Will you all pray for me today?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Will you all pray for me today?
10
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:05am
Today DH is going to therapy w/ 2 of our children. They are going to get a chance to confront him. I am not sure they can face him or tell him how he hurt them. I am afraid they will come home, all smitten with him and ask again if he can come home.
He is in therapy, but I am feeling that the changes are superficial. I am afraid we will re-enter the cycle after he is home for a while. I am just AFRAID all around.
I need someone to pray for me and for them. I don't want to count out a miracle, but I also don't want to be railroaded into a fake reconciliation. Lately he has been really impatient and frustrated b/c I haven't taken him back.(He has been out of the house 3 mos. now) I need to make a decision, but I feel so paralyzed.
I am going to therapy, I am reading my Bible. I just feel so stuck.
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:21am

You and your children are in my prayers. I am sorry for the situation you are in. I thought you might like to read this post - it's in the resources section of this board. Maybe you've already read it, maybe not. But if you have, it might help to read it again. Hang in there, be strong and trust your instincts. Above all I'm sure you want to keep your children safe.

{{{HUGS}}}
Lisa

HOW TO TELL HE’S CHANGING

*He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he’s done, fully acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong, and he isn’t blaming you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other outside circumstances for his choices. He is no longer denying it, making light of it, or making excuses for it. He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can’t control himself. He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did was wrong. He admits lies, he admits what he’s done and is not longer making up stories to make himself look better. He is no longer trying to hide his behavior from others. He understands that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and he’ll have to work at it for a long, long time.

*He understands what his behavior has cost you. He understands fully that you and your children have been hurt by what he’s done, and the ways in which you’ve been hurt. He will talk about it with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and understands fully that it is his behavior that has caused it. When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying to shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something’s wrong with you for feeling that way. He is sorry for what he’s done, and is working hard to overcome the damage he’s done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms, choices, etc.. He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what he’s done to them.

*He is proving to you that he understands that you’re a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double standards. He understands that you’re an equal human being, and he’s not superior to you. He’s pulling his weight. He’s respecting your opinions, even the ones with disagree with his. He’s accepting your right to be angry with him for what he’s done, and you can talk about his abuse with him. He’s respecting your right to independence and your right to freedom. He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends. He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who’s there. He stops expecting sex on demand. He is taking into account how you’re affected by his behavior and choices. He’s stopped drinking. He’s stopped doing those things that are inappropriate for a committed relationship. Affairs, keeping all the control over the money, etc.. He’s fair with money, allowing you to have your assets in your name, a job if you want, etc.. He takes responsibility for what he does and how it affects you and the children. He’s no longer treating you like a servant. He acknowledges the contributions you made to the relationship.

*He is no longer blocking communication, he listens and respects what you have to say. He will discuss with you the controlling behaviors and attitudes he’s had. He listens to you, even when you’re angry instead of trying to bully you or threaten you into shutting up. You are able to express yourself, speak freely and feel safe doing so. You’re able to express your anger, feelings. He accepts your right to be angry and he listens when you express it and thinks about your points, he makes an effort to understand. He listens to you without interrupting and allows your thoughts even if he doesn’t agree. When you discuss his behaviors that hurt you and the children, he takes them seriously and stops them. You can speak and act freely without him retaliating. He’s communicating without manipulation, his usual tactics to block you. If he tries to control you, you can point it out to him and he’ll stop. Accepts feedback, criticism.

*He stops cutting you down and starts focusing on what’s good, your strength and your abilities. He is not putting you down, trying to convince you your perception is off, that you’re crazy, that you’re stupid, etc.. He stops his abuse. Completely, once and for all. He’s respectful and doesn’t guilt you into things or throw fits. He does not pressure you into things or out of things. He’s not intimidating you, he’s not threatening you. He’s stopped undermining you, and supports you instead. He is making a big effort to be non abusive.

HOW TO TELL HE’S NOT CHANGING

*He says “I can’t change unless you do.” Which means that he’s trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for him not abusing you. Also stated as “I’ve changed, but you aren’t changing”; “I’m not the only one who needs help”.

*He tries to get sympathy from you, family members, and friends. He is still lying to you, the children, your family or other people about what he’s done. He continues to attempt to cover up what he’s done to you and the children. He won’t acknowledge that it was wrong. He doesn’t seem sorry that he did it, he only seems sorry that he has suffered some consequences for it.

*He refuses to let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry when it does. He won’t discuss his controlling behaviors and attitudes. He still tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it. Defends his behaviors. He insists you just get past it.

*He plays victim. He says “How could you do this to me.?” He still whines and blames you for all the problems.

*He is overly charming, always trying to remind you of all the good times you had together and ignore the bad. He tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers. All while trying to convince you that you need to stay together to work it out.

*He will not get help or He says he’ll get counseling or other help, but never does. Or he does and tries to convince you that he’s cured and you need to take him back now. “Now that I’m in this program, you have to be more understanding.” Or “I’m learning a lot from this program”. If a man is pressuring you this way, then as soon as he gets back in, he will most likely drop the program. This is why it’s so critical, if you’re considering taking him back, to watch his behaviors, to talk in depth, and to give it time. Sometimes, instead of counseling they will suddenly claim to have found God; he goes to church a few times.

*He cries and begs, they particularly like to do this in a public situation so that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold hearted”.

*He does things to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own.

*He harasses or stalks you. If you ask him for space or time, he refuses to allow you to have any and continues to make contact in any way he can. Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at work, hanging around family.

*He continues to restrict your rights. He still behaves as if he’s superior. You aren’t able to express yourself and speak freely. He still demands constant attention, won’t allow you to take care of your own needs. He still picks at you and criticizes you, and ignores your strengths and contributions to the relationship. He doesn’t support your independence, still refuses to acknowledge that you have rights. He hangs on to double standards. He is still denying you your fair share of the marital assets, money. He puts his wants and needs above yours.

*He doesn’t recognize the damage he’s done. He gets angry with you over the consequences you’ve suffered over his abuse. He’s mad or seems confused as to why you fear him, don’t trust him, are hurt, and angry. He tries to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something’s wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences. He behaves as if he’s above reproach. He claims that he would never hurt you, despite that he’s done many things to hurt you. He’s mad that you left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so. He still acts like you owe him. He’s impatient or critical with you for not forgiving him immediately, for not being satisfied with the changes he may have already made, especially if he hasn’t made the changes you requested, or hasn’t changed but claims he has.

*He’s only concerned with how hard the situation is for him, and no one else. He feels sorry for himself. He doesn’t show appropriate concern for how you and the children feel about what he’s done. Abuse does more than just hurt, it is damaging, and if he doesn't show appropriate concern for the damage he's done, then he hasn't changed.

*He still does things that are inappropriate for an intimate relationship. Cheating, not including you in family decisions, hoarding all the marital assets – money, property, cars, stocks, bonds, etc. and won’t allow you to have access to them.

*He says he can only change if you help him, he wants emotional support and forgiveness, and give up your break from him.

*He says I’m changing but you can see that he’s not. He gets angry with you for not realizing how much he’s changed. He gets angry for not trusting that he’s changed for good. Abusive men often say I’m sorry then get mad if you don’t immediately forget what they did, he thinks his sorry resolves the matter and it should be dropped and you should just move forward.

*He pressures you into taking him back because he can’t wait forever.

*He trash talks you to the children.

*He threatens and tries to intimidate you. The next step of behavior is generally one of threats and attempts to intimidate. This will often include threats to attack family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out a contract on you." Threats that he will take the children away or get custody of them himself, or threats to kill himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:04am
Prayers sent, hon.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:15pm

Lisa and Erin,
Thank you for the prayers and the hugs. The posts on this board are such a help to me. Even the days I just "lurk", I get something out of it.
Lisa, I have read that article before, but I needed to read it again. Thank you. It keeps me clear-headed... (well, sort of. can't be too clear headed in this situation).
My friends are all worried I will take him back. How much credit do you give your friends? I know they are biased because they know I was hurt. But he is hurt, too. Sick and depressed...and I am starting to think bi-polar. He has thrown the "in sickness and in health" back in face frequewntly. The guilt card works on me!! I have made some bad choices, too, and I think he will bring them up the rest of my life.
No one knows I am this much of an emotional mess. I am so good at faking it...strong, secure, professional. But up against him I just can't hold my own. Feels like he is my parent, not my partner. (actually, my parents are more like partners now. HOw weird is that??)

{{{{hugs graciously accepted and returned}}}}

God will get us through this. He has handled bigger crisis than this.
Thank you all for listening and for praying.
V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 8:39am

Although our marriage vows say, "In sickness and in health," they don't say that the sick person is allowed to infect everyone else in the household, nor is there anything about "no matter what honoring the preceding vow may do to any innocent children." He has hurt your children, to the point that you fear they may be too traumatized to express themselves to him. He is already becoming impatient because you aren't willing to take him back (after just 3 months!), and you know from your reading that that's just not long enough for an abuser to accomplish anything significant in terms of therapy, if he ever will.

I've been following your posts for several months now, and my heart goes out to you. Please continue to be strong for your children's sake--you will be shown the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 9:46am

I know this is a stressul situation for you and the kids & the ladies on here have given you excellent advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:17pm
Val, you've gotten great advice from the other posters:

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:31pm
Thank you all!
Just posted an update.("Kids' therapy session") The kids were in a great mood when they got home. He was in the "pitiful me" mode. As much as I see his efforts, I feel like they are still manipulative. And I feel like my emotions are numb. Just numb. Not working this out with him will mean the next year (at least) will be pure turmoil. I have to ramp up my emotions to deal with that. My kids will be hurt and mad, and honestly, I will be separated from them at least part of the time. This is so NOT FAIR. And now, I am the "pitiful me" mode.
You guys are so great for listening and responding. Thanks again for the encouragement.
No one seems to think I should go back to him except him (and the kids if I asked them).
AAARRGHGHG. And we have to take the kids to a party together tonight. Trying to be nice for the kids sake. I would rather just climb under a rock!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 3:48pm
Valmarie,
You didn't say whether you were Christian, but I am happy to pay with you. If your are not, please disregard.
Heavenly Father, we ask your blessing on this family. Please give valmarie the strength to do the right thing for herself and her children. We know that you are a merciful God and that your power if of infinate measure. Watch over this family and give them peace. We ask this in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ.
Amen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 8:53pm
Greeneyed,
Thank you. Yes, I am a Christian and it means so much to have someone pray w/ me. My faith makes this situation so much more complicated. While I know God wouldn't want me to stay in an abusive relationship I struggle with an obligation to give my H another chance because he is asking for forgiveness. I see him trying to change; sometimes successfully and sometimes still quite superficially. And I do have some work to do on my relationship w/ God as I have recently made a huge mistake. My guilt is palpable...know God forgives me, but feel a need to make "good" to the others I hurt, including my H.
Thank you for the prayers. I know God can get me thru this. He has already done so much for me.
Thaks again!
V.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:40pm
I'm glad to pray for you! Take one day at a time, and pray.

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl