iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 9:17pm

I wanted to tell you I think alot of your thinking is self-sabotaging.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
In reply to: sweets35
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 12:51pm
Sweets35 - First of all, I am so RELIEVED you are ok. I was getting worried about you and thinking the worst. I am so glad you are able to get help and turn this around. Please continue to do all the Positive things. Remember, life will not be like this all the time. It can only go UP from here.

About changing my way of thinking, hmm..I have mixed thoughts about it.
Can I deny that what he does is emotional/mental abuse and can escalate to physical? There isn't a way I can change my thinking about that. Yes, I could be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, work full time..and still there will be something that is not right at home. If I try to make justification, I am berated or insulted or worse. Walking on eggshells and sacrificing my health to cater to his expectations, has lead to depression and Stress.

But having said that, I also know if I just CANNOT do this, I should have stuck to it and changed my way of thinking to say - well..he is not gambling, or asking for sex, or doing porn, or losing his job..(all the stuff I see around here)..yes..that makes it sound like ok..there are some positives and like you said, take the positives and ignore the negatives.

I was willing to ignore the keep the house clean, do this, do that..what I could not ignore that he would display that behavior with DD making her feel so bad that she would want to run away. After a whole 2 last years of that, I decided it would be best to take her and leave. But then she wont do it. So now I am at cross roads..that she will have to learn to deal with him no matter what. I have learnt to deal with him somehow..though I admit the times that I couldn't things escalated..some counselor once told me" one day the woman snaps and kills her husband" can no longer take the emotional put downs, nitpickiness and you revolt.

Anyway..but like you said, if I am NOT ABLE to take it to the next step (divorce), then you are right..I should have somehow lived with it and tried to make the best of it and looked at the positives. My counselor just told me this week..maybe you will leave when your DD is in college..and sometimes, that is what a lot of women do. It is what it is. Like you said, next 2 years of back/forth and divorce court won't be pretty either.