The Women After Me

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Registered: 02-04-2006
The Women After Me
11
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 11:42pm

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 01-25-2011 - 6:19pm
Jem, the bottom line is he is most likely abusive to her too, or will shortly start abusing her. Abusers don't change themselves, only their victims. Please don't rent them space in your head as you can do absolutely NOTHING about their relationship. Therefore, don't waste your time or energy on it. But I know you can't help but wonder ;-)

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 3:48pm
i think about the same things with my ex's new gfs. they are most likely being lied to and manipulated like we were in the beginning. his true colors will come out and she will eventually see the real him. my stbx husband had a new girl two days after he left. i still wonder how he couldve covered up the fact that he has a two week old son and wife who he had verbally abused for years. she was oblivious, because i know if she knew the whole story she would not be with such a scumbag. time will tell. and she will find out the truth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 3:48pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 11:43am

Hi;

I often wonder also if my ex is abusing his new gfriend and why would I care?

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 12:25pm

Just a thought..it is better that all of your abusive Ex's have found other women..since that means they will let you go and you can start to live the life you want. You are much much safer this way. About whether he abuses them too, it is 99% that they will abuse them - verbally/emotionally. Abusers dont change spots..they just change their tactics. Few men may change, but most don't. Just be happy that they are over you..and if you were married, just use your energy in getting CS/SS out so that you can decide on the divorce settlement. Maybe he will be more agreeable to custody and such if he has other interests. A neigbor whose H left (he cheated on her) pretty much left the whole house, half his pension to his ex-wife and kids..since he just wanted to be with this 27 year old..

(Guess there is a bright side to everything).

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 6:27pm
Outstanding book, almost our bible here, lol. Weellll, sometimes it's true, others not. Some move on to another victim but "save up" on the ex as well. The one rule of dealing with domestic abuse is that there are no hard and fast rules. Every situation is unique and contextual. There are mountains of similarities, but every single situation has its own dynamic. If he's leaving you alone and things are peaceful - great, he probably has moved on and will leave you alone. Or not. And if that's the case - be extra careful because the time that a woman is at greatest risk of being severely injured or killed by her abuser is during or right after she has left.

I often write on here that the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. To love someone, OR to hate someone, you have feelings for them either way. If you've reached a state of apathy, you don't care, one way or the other, if they are alive or not. They no longer mean a darned thing to you. That comparison came from Dr. Leo Buscaglia, by the way, in a book of his I read about Love. It really stuck with me. It's a pretty good sign when a domestic abuse survivor realizes she just doesn't give a flying fig newton anymore. And that's a pretty darned good place to be. When I found out that the abuser in my life had died, I did cry, but it wasn't for him, it was for his mother. He needed to go. But no mama should ever have to deal with the death of her child.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2011
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 7:54pm

OMG, I think of what he's doing and who he is with all the freaking time and I hate myself for it. Did he finally change? Is he treating her how I begged begged begged to be treated? What lies is he saying about me and while all of a sudden he changed his number..is he buying HER stuff? And I realize it's because I have no social life at all. And I wonder how he could just move on so quickly. Just Saturday he wanted to 'get thru all this' and be with me and it has been silent since. I hate the silence. I just try to remember how much it sucks with him.

I cant wish I never met him, because of my 1 year old. I just wish he wasn't her dad.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 8:15pm

hi cl_harmony,

"If you've reached a state of apathy, you don't care, one way or the other, if they are alive or not. They no longer mean a darned thing to you. That comparison came from Dr. Leo Buscaglia, by the way, in a book of his I read about Love. It really stuck with me. It's a pretty good sign when a domestic abuse survivor realizes she just doesn't give a flying fig newton anymore. And that's a pretty darned good place to be."

Gosh - this is exactly where I am. I don't love, I don't hate. I am just apathetic. yes, if he doesn't come home, I will call the police just to file a missing person report. Other than that, I just dont care. I honestly want him to go cheat or find other woman..so he can let me be.

Does this mean I am in a good place? The only reason I can't take that step is I am afraid of DD's reaction to all this. Afraid to start anything that I may not be able to handle. Divorce/finances..all that stuff. Is there a way out? Only way would be to strong and believe..or try to talk to DD again to come. She is so full of her HS anxiety and stress she doesn't want to hear anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 02-12-2011 - 11:16am

Hi Bella;

I know how you feel but trust me your ex will abuse the next victim and so on. I know how hard this is because I went through the same thing. The minute I walked out the door from abuse my ex had a new victim (I mean gfriend) ,, When I first initially left I went to a hotel and ex stalked me and stalked me for months.. I did think he would harm me but he didnt. I stayed away in another state for like 15 months. Ex found me there and continued on stalking and harassing me and on and on. Well? After a bit he sort of gave up and mailed me divorce papers that were so bogus.. So what I did was arm myself with education; information and a host of other things to stand up once and for all to the bully; the enemy as they say.. So I was out of the marital property for atleast three years and then lo and behold I had to go back and get divorced and get a settlement. So here I went back to live with ex because nothing was finalized because I just ran ..So I took a room in the house and ex did not bother me because he had his new victim. I lived my life and he lived his.. I wouldnt recommend this to anyone but its what I did cause I finally wanted to get out and I wanted my settlement and I wanted the divorce and on and on. This lasted for about a year and half and it did hurt at times I didnt care what ex did and what happened to him..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 1:36pm

I agree with Freeatlast.........this is a normal reaction, but it's also holding you in the past, instead of letting you move on with your life.

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