Wondering if I am doing the right thing
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| Wed, 01-19-2005 - 8:00pm |
I finally called my lawyer and made an appointment to meet with him next week to get divorce proceedings and custody going. My problem is that I find myself wondering if I am doing the right thing...if I am doing the right thing for my son and if I just blew everything that happened between me and my husband out of proportion.
This Saturday we will have been seperated for a year from eachother. He really hasnt made any great effort to get me back...at first he tried talking me into moving back but has stopped that after the first month or 6 weeks, maybe less, I have a hard time remembering. For those of you that dont know me I have posted under 2 other names before....having to switch after I left him and then having to stop posting all together for a while after I found out that somehow he had found my second posting name. For a brief summary of my background...we have been married about 9yrs and have a ds that is in elementary school. Husband started sleeping on the couch about 6-9 months after our ds was born and didnt move back into the bedroom until I told him I was unhappy and was thinking about leaving. He talked me into staying and trying to work things out but in reality things got worse. He was more controlling than ever before...looking back he was emotionally, financially, sexually abusive, isolating and would try to distort my reality so that I would believe everything he said as reality. Not sure if that makes sense but looking back I just dont really remember being HAPPY with him. It was ok but I dont remember alot of happiness or laughter with him...just day to day living. I think maybe the last straw was when he told me it was tough if I wanted(and our son wanted) more children. That it didnt matter what I wanted.
I guess I just wonder if I am doing the right thing. Am I just giving up too easy? I always feel ashamed when I talk about getting divorced or think about it....I feel like a failure. I just hope that I am doing the best thing for my son and myself.
Thanks so much for reading all this if you have made it this far. I love coming to this board when I can, even though I am somewhat afraid to post here now for fear of him reading what I have to say. I love you all. Take care of yourselves.
Hugs
Blueminnow

Give up on what, honey?
"looking back he was emotionally, financially, sexually abusive, isolating and would try to distort my reality so that I would believe everything he said as reality. Not sure if that makes sense but looking back I just dont really remember being HAPPY with him."
He has done nothing but continue to make things a living hell for you, he has been in cahoots with your mother (who has NOT helped at all with this), he has not given you any money for your DS, he has taken your car against your wishes, and has continued to abuse you since you left.
CL-Blueliner4
Blue! Thank you so much for all of your support and kind words. Yes I do think that part of this feeling I have is the conditioning and the pressure that I feel from my mother and somewhat silently from my husband. I guess that my mom has let up on me about going back to him but I still sometimes feel an unspoken disappointment from her. I am getting worn down right now from the stress of starting a new job. I have so much to learn and get so angry with myself when I make mistakes.
I guess that I just worry if I am doing the right thing. Sometimes I feel like YES this is the right thing to do and other days I wonder if I am making a huge mistake and just making things more difficult for myself. I guess that going to church isnt helping me either. That I feel like I may be going against God and what he wants me to do if I file for divorce. I dont know.
Thank you so much Blue for helping me think through this. Outside perspectives always help me so much and this board is a wonderful place to come to so I can try to clear my head and see things properly.
Hugs and take care.
Oh and if you are out there Dharmagirl....I have been thinking of you and hope that you are doing ok. Drop me an email if you see this please and let me know how you are.
Minnow
I dont know the history ... but this gives me a glimpse - GO! FILE! DO IT! I doubt very much anyone like this will change. He has lost his home & his family, yet it seems he continues to abuse emotionally, financially ... etc.
I think you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing ... there is a world of HAPPINESS out there, you just have to reach for it! Good luck, R~