Working my way out of here

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Working my way out of here
3
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 3:10am

Hi guys, it's me, Shellie. Just wanted to let you all know that I am in the process of pulling away, and getting out of here. It is so bad around here, no actual "physical abuse" yet, but anything and everything else.I think he has pretty much decided that I will put up with anything, and I'm afraid of what might be next. My stepdaughter is getting more and more out of control. She and he are influencing my daughter more and more each day. Stepdaughter is now in contact with her biological mom who abandoned her to me at age five. It's just an open door there. The three of them really seem to enjoy making fun of me and putting me down.Like they have a system going. Hubby has been lurking around, stomping, throwing, being loud, berating, the whole time he is home from work, and comes in when he is working every chance he gets and does the same. He has closed out our checking acct and opened one in his own name only. Claims I am irresponsible, and an "ignorant ass" to be exact. I never had access to this account anyway, unless I was putting money in. I was able to take out a temporary check and get ten dollars cash for myself to eat on when i was out of town on business for the weekend. I get reimbursed, and he knew I had no money to eat on, but wouldn't help me. Half of that went for my daughter to eat out at school for her good behavior. I was not going to let her go up there with no money to eat on, when there's plenty in his acct. Now he says I owe him and he'll call it even at $100. However, he keeps asking when my checks will be here, I get my paycheck and milage check in the mail, and he looks out for them. He really seems to think he's entitled to it all, and yet still expects me to pay utilities, etc. Well, I opened my own acct and am in the process of filing paperwork to have my regular check direct deposited, and I rented a P.O. box for my statements, my mileage and insurace reimbursements, and other personal mail.I'm going to start looking to see if I can get some assistance as far as housing etc. With my current job, my income cannot count against me when applying for public assistance because it's a community service type of thing where you recieve a living stipened and work for a scholarship, and I know others I work with are recieving quite a bit of aid that I don't qualify for being married to one who makes too much money for this. I just hope that I'm able to get assistance before going through the whole divorce process. I can't very well live here with him and divorce him and get back on my feet from there if you know what I mean. I'm thinking of friends who might be able to help me too.

I'm also considering getting evidence of his and my stepchilds behavior. Somewhere we have a device that records phone calls that he purchased to use against me years ago. We also have a camcorder that I could use. I know that he will try to use the kids against me, he has a history of it not only with me, but with his exwife (who btw, told my daughter he was the best choice she ever made, she has a history of abusive relationships, but has different standards than me too). I'm dealing with a bunch of manipulators here, and I feel like I need to protect myself. My stepdaughter tells her friends Im a bitch, and I'm mean, and she hates me, and her dad should never have married me, he deserves better, and he should divorce me,etc. Unless she wants something from me, then it's different. She's moving into her own abusive relationship, and of course won't listen to me, it's none of my business she says. But right now I'm really concerned with helping myself and my own daughter.

Well, anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I hope I'm on the right track. Any advice or comments are always appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 6:45am

Your story is identical in many ways to mine!!! I know exactly how you feel with the husband closing out bank accounts (mine did it to me three times) and the foul mouthed step-daughter who shows you no respect and talks trash behind your back (I had 2 step-daughters and a stepson, along with three of my own)!!! You definitely are being abused (I found out way too late), and you need to get out ASAP!!

Smart move getting your own checking acct.! I don't know why I didn't sooner than I did. Good for you for getting a P.O. box and having all your mail sent to it, however, if you are not ready to move, this will send up red flags to your husband. He can and will make it alot harder on you so find somewhere to go before he gets suspicious. Also, make sure he doesn't put a change of address in for the "entire" family (or put the mail on vacation). Mine did this, and I didn't get my mail for 5 months even though I complained to the Post Master General 8x. Finally, someone did something about it and his oldest daughter and him were charged with obstruction of mail. He had so much stuff, like my bank statements and bills and tried to use it against me in court. When the judge found out how he got all my mail, she told him he was the most dispicable person she had ever met and told his attorney that she will report him to the bar for his participation in this. Anyway, he couldn't use anything against me in court, not that there was anything to be found, so he's resorted to calling me an alcoholic and drug addict. Now he's grasping because he's running out of things to use in order for him to get custody of our dd.

I took their crap for 6 years and they are still behaving in the same manner as you've described in your post. Call or go to your local DV center as soon as you can. Report his and stepdaughters behaviour immediately. The threatening way he is behaving is emotional, financial, and somewhat physical abuse, just because he doesn't hit you does not mean its not abuse. Be prepared for the aftermath though. If you think they are nasty now, just wait. It does get worse!!! Cover your butt!! Get your daughter and yourself away pronto.

Take care and keep us posted as to how you are doing!!!

Images hosted by photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:43am
Thanks so much for your response. I never thought about him putting in a change of address. A girl I work with has a second job at a DV shelter so I might just give it a call. I also have a close friend that is a social worker. She has helped my stepdaughter alot in school, as we both worked in the school system together. She knows alot about her issues, but not as much about how my hubby treats me. I'm thinking of giving her a call, too, because I think she would be very supportive. She always has been in other ways. I'm fairly lucky that I've been able to work and be in situations where people know my personality, how I am with children, and how I am with my family and my own stepdaughter and daughter.It's obvious that I have been the primary care giver just by my husbands job alone. He's only home a couple of days a week and spends the night there. It gives me a break too. I have close friends in the school system where I've worked, still work with kids, friends in the social services area too, so I think at least I have some good character witnesses if it comes to that. My own daughter is an outstanding student and I've always been involved in her life, which others can attest to, and my stepdaughter as well, though she has been influenced by others more than I. I know that my hubby and stepdaughter will most definately try to paint a bad picture though. I think the one thing he has going for him is her. She'll say anything for him, and to trash me, or to get what she wants from whomever at any given moment.For that reason, I feel like I need to get some kind of proof of what goes on in my home when it's just us. Now others have witnessed my stepdaughter's behavior towards me to a point, but of course hubby is really hardly even known by anyone. I talk to him on the phone alot when he's at work, so maybe if I can record some of our conversations with him being abusive (which is every conversation), that might be a plus.I hate to be that devious, but I know they have no shame, so I feel that I have to. Also, part of my motive in opening my own checking acct. is because I feel that he'll say he provided solely for the family and I'm irresponsible. This is untrue, and actually kind of backwards as he was bankrupt when I met him. He makes a considerable amount of money now, but he likes to spend it as he pleases, while I pay the utilities, etc. He never helped me at all when I was pregnant with our daughter. I had to get state assistance for prenatal care, after my mom helped me. When she found out I was pregnant, she made an appt. for me and we went from there. He was already isolating me and working on me at this time, but I didn't realize it. I remember being afraid to acknowledge that I was pregnant, and even more afraid to go to the Doctor. When I did go, I got a bill in the mail and he saw it and got extrememly mad that I had been to the doctor. I remember him calling me a liar for this. Of course all while I was pregnant (high risk at that) I was not allowed air conditioning, only when he was home, or I had his daughter. The day I got home from the hospital, he left for work and left his child with me to keep as well. Then he announced that he was talking to his lawyer and planned on filing for custody of her. The next thing I know, he never takes her back to her mom, and I'm raising her. Claims her mother just left her. Her mother tried to tell me a little different story recently, as she is back in her life now, but I suppose I'll never really know because the whole bunch of them from what I can see are liars and manipulators. I never felt I could leave, and leave my stepdaughter whom I felt responsible for. I feel like I have been really used for all these years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:53pm

"right now I'm really concerned with helping myself and my own daughter" - THAT is a great outlook & goal. It sounds like they have a long history of craziness & the best thing you can do for you & your child is what you are planning.

Best of luck to you, R~

Photobucket