worn out & really confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2005
worn out & really confused
2
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 6:26am

I am feeling so so worn out and confused right now... It's been about a year since I last visited this board, and I think I've spent the past year pretty much pretending nothing is wrong, pretending I have a perfect marriage.

Just for some info... I am 27 years old, married, with 3 boys (2,5&8). My husband is a long haul truck driver, and he's home maybe 4-5 days each month. Geez... I don't even know where to start, my head is just spinning.

Things have been alright on the surface I suppose, but I honestly am not sure about us anymore. I guess you could say we have what you could call an "open relationship". He is bi, and he is free to do what he wants (except with other women) as long as he is safe. I have come to the point where I honestly don't care what he does.. no jealous feelings or anything like that. That is my first concern. Shouldn't I be feeling jealous or something?? Why is it that I just don't care?

OK well now he is telling me that he wants me to sleep with another man... and that this would be his wildest fantasy come true. I just don't know what to think. He keeps saying "it's just sex", but I can't bring myself to come to that conclusion. It's not "just sex" to me! This all started when we tried some fantasy stuff in the bedroom, and it came out that yes, the thought of another man does turn me on... but he thought I wanted to make it a reality! And now... he gets really upset if I tell him that no, I don't really want to do it with someone else.

WTF?!?!?! I am so tired of having these long, drawn out conversations / arguments about whether I should sleep with someone else. It seems so surreal to me. To top it off, he calls me from the road, wanting me to talk dirty to him so he can... well, you know. And it always seems he calls when I'm trying to put the kids to bed or something, and he expects me to drop everything just so he can get what he wants!! Tonight he did it again and he said "just get him (our 2 year old) out of the room already so we can talk". So we had another big argument tonight because I said I wasn't in the mood to be doing that, because I'm sick and it hurts to talk, and besides, I need to put the kids to bed.

Aaarrrrghhh... I'm so frustrated. He accuses me of never being in the mood and yes, it is true. I am a full time student, full time mother, and I have a business on the side that I've just started up (for the extra cash, because he seems to need $100 per day for his road "expenses" but that's a whole other story). Actually, maybe I should mention his need for spending cash on the road, because we just got 2 utility disconnection notices in the mail. Fun fun.

Every time I tell him how stressed I am, he says something snarky like "oh you have no idea". He loves to make it seem like he is the only one who is stressed all the time, being away from his family, working so hard for a crappy company, etc etc.. and I am the one who is completely nuts by thinking I might have a little stress in my life. Even when he is going on about how stressful his day was, I try to be supportive and say supportive things, but he still has the same reaction.. "you have no idea". I can't win for losing with this guy.

I am so sick right now (literally). My house is upside down because I've been sick for about 10 days now, half of which I couldn't even get out of bed. So yeah, I'm way behind on my studying, and I am stressed to the max. But according to my "wonderful hubby", my life is a bowl of cherries. He makes me feel like I'm going crazy, or maybe I'm making myself crazy, I don't know.

All I really want it someone I can confide in, a shoulder to cry on, someone I can feel comfortable telling the truth to (even if I disagree with them), someone who will honestly appreciate how much I do every day, and someone who doesn't think sex is "just sex". I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I am so sorry this is so long... thanks to anyone who actually read it lol. There is so much more I haven't even started on here. I feel about ready to crawl into a hole and give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 7:27am

Welcome back, Edmonton.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 8:28am

You are way too young to be dealing with all of that! Sounds like you are just so used to living this way that you don't even realize how unhappy you are. (this is something that I have just recently realized for myself.) It's not ok, and you deserve to have someone supportive to your feelings and someone who cares to listen to you when you are feeling helpless and need to get back on your feet...
Hope it gets better for you, keep us posted!

Ceejae