worried and confused

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
worried and confused
1
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 5:56am
i am the mother of 2 children under 6 yrs of age. i have been married for just over a year, to the father of my children. he is very controling in a gentle way, he doesnt want me working and wants me to raise our children full time and i have for the last 6 years.

after living together for 7 1/2 years his constant remarks have started to make me angry. the most recent one being 'im just waiting for your inattention to allow me to get custody of alicia because jacob will be dead because of your actions'.

a few hours later it was like nothing happened.

he has this dr. jekell/mr. hyde act. im not sure if its steam or his true worries.

yes i had a hard time getting up in the morning that day but i wasnt feeling well and my mother was in the living room with them.

everytime i try to approach a conversation about me going to school or working he brushes me off or tells me no. he doesnt want me working unless it makes above average money, like 40,000/yr. or it is my desired field. then when i try to talk abt going o school, he says talk to me when you have some numbers for me. when i do, he says wait, next year when things calm down.

im going stir crazy here, im not sure how much more i can take. i dont know what to do anymore. please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:07am
Hi there, as I read your post I can feel the anxiety and pain. You are in a very difficult place right now. I can see why you titled your post "worried and confused". The confusion is because of conditioning and you should be worried about this. I'm worried for you and your children.

What a terrible thing to say to a mother - or any human being for that matter. Imagine what you would have to witness to utter a statement like that to another child's mother - that she'd be responsible for the child's death. Honestly, in that context, do you still need the answer to the question, "steam or his true worries"? Stuff like this is meant only to hurt you and make you second guess your judgement and make you feel like you are going crazy.

If he was right up front with the physical abuse, there would be no denying but, this way, I think this way takes longer to escape from and I know it takes longer to heal from. You start asking, "am I loosing my mind? Am I imagining it? Am I peranoid? Do I cause it? Am I really a bad person, mother, wife, friend?" With no one telling you otherwise, you start to doubt yourself.

You said your mom is/was there. What is your relationship with her like? Does she see/hear it? How well do they get along, she and your H? Do you have any friends or other mom's that you talk to? Is there anyone around you that tells you good things about your mothering abilities? Does anyone encourage you to do things for yourself? You just do not seem to have a life or say in anything. You should not have to live like this.

Over a period of time, I became very isolated and extremely depressed, eventually very near suicide. I was on increasing doses of anti-depressants for almost four years. It was made clear to me that my only use was to serve his existance otherwise I was to be seen and not heard. There was zero respect for me and I counted for nothing in his eyes. He actually said to my face, "I'm not at all interested in your feelings, stop telling me about them." So I did. I felt like my soul was being sucked right out of me. The ONLY thing that stopped me from that ultimate escape was imagining the life my boys would be condemned to, with only their father to raise them.

I finally decided, That's it! Enough is enough! I can not live like this anymore, I'm not even living! He does not see anything wrong in the way he acts so, he's not ever going to change. It was up to me to make a change. So, broken and alone I started to look for a way out. The first thing I did was pull out my Bible and ask for help but, that's a whole other post.

The thing that popped into my mind for you (after 'pull out your Bible') is that you could sign up for a course take you can take during the day. One day a week plus a couple hours of home work. Start small as soon as you can. He wants the numbers but, they're always too big? One course, inexpensive, very little time and, if you plan it right, none of the time will be taken from him. He'd have an impossible time finding fault with your decision. (assuming you let him in on it, that is an option you know) At least be signed-up and paid-for before you let him know so it's too late to stop you. Surely he can see the justification in wanting to further your education so when you do go into the workforce when the kids are grown, you will be able to earn - how did he say it? - "above average money". He'd really have to act like an out and out jerk to try to stop you. Did you ever want to be a (no, you fill in the blank)?

If you start with one course, it will empower you and get you back out into the land of the living and growing. If you absolutely can not get out, sign up for something on line. Plenty of woman do part time studies toward degrees. Add courses as you can manage them. If you stay with this guy or not, this is something you do for *you*. Give this to yourself now. You'll never regret it. Keep it for yourself, don't let him in. Even if he knows that you are doing it, he doesn't have to know all about it, he'll only try to sabatoge your efforts. You already know that, don't you?



While you are waiting for your course to start, read the book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. You can probably get a copy from your local library. This is one of the best books I've read to help you answer your questions about what you are going through.(and I've read everything I can get my hands on) Definitely keep this book out of sight. If you've read much here you know that we've all been were you are. You aren't alone. Keep posting and reading.

I also recommend that you call 1-800-799-SAFE. It's 24 hrs and you can ask them for information on resources in your local area. There could be something already set up to help SAHM's like you that are in the same sitation. Education is NEVER a bad thing. *Quietly* start to gather information. Educate your self on abuse, what you are up against and find out what options you have available to you.

One of my favorite quotes: --IT'S A PECULIAR THING, ISN'T IT, THAT A WOMAN CAN PREFER THE SAFETY OF CAGES TO THE HAZARDS OF FREEDOM?--- Sue Monk Kidd

Keep looking up^, Susan.