A Worried Mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
A Worried Mother
17
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 2:57pm
Hello. I need some advice, prayers, whatever you can offer.

My 22 year old daughter married her abusive husband one month ago today. One week ago today she called me from Texas in the hospital. I got her a plane ticket and she was home in Georgia by the next morning. As far as I know this was, at the very least, the 3rd time he has beaten her. The day after coming home she started trying to call him (he was in jail for one day, plead guilty to assault, then was bailed out by friends). She is now waiting for him to send her money to get back to him. I have talked to her until I have almost made myself sick and she is mad at me, trying to convince her not to go back to him. I am so afraid he is going to kill her.

He's left messages on my cell phone that when he gets her back I will never see her or talk to her again. I believe him.

What can I do? Is there anything I can do to save her? She now believes that he won't ever beat her again and she "loves" him. She says she has to give her marriage a chance.

She had a miscarriage and he beat her the next day because he was so "sad and disappointed". I don't understand why anyone wants to live like this and risk their life. Anyone who loves you would NEVER hit you!!! Why can't she see this?

I know that she has to make the decision to leave him and stay away for good. I am trying to make sure that when she goes back with him she is prepared with a safety plan, but I am afraid that she doesn't think that she needs a safety plan - remember she believes that he won't do it again.

Are there any support groups for mothers of daughters abused by their husbands? Are there any books I should read?

GrammySmocks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 5:52pm

Hi Grammy, and welcome -


You are in a very unenviable position, but you are also aware that there isn't much you personally can do save locking her in the basement (which isn't a recommended activity).

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:18pm
Thanks for your reply, cl-blueliner4. I thank God that at least she is still in Georgia and he is still in Texas. As long as she is here and he is there she is not being beaten. But he continues to abuse her mentally and emotionally over the phone. Her calling card finally ran out and I won't put more time on it, so she can't call him unless she goes up the street to the payphone, but he still calls her.

A few hours ago I heard her on the phone crying and begging. I think he has decided not to send money for her to go back to him. He is mad that I got her here and wants me to send her back (which I will NOT do). She begged me on her knees to send her back but I calmly told her that I will not send her back to be abused. Then she went up the street and called her grandmother and asked for money - she also told her no. When she got back home she had calmed down and said "This would be so much easier if I didn't still love him." I don't know if she found anyone to give her money or not.

I think I will take the phone off the hook tonight so he can't call again. One night she kept us up half the night on the phone, crying, etc. My husband has to work.

What are your thoughts on that - keeping the phone off the hook or changing the number?

Blocking his number wouldn't work because he calls from different numbers.

GrammySmocks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 9:17am
I know your heart is breaking. I recently filed for divorce from my H after 27 years. My parents watched me be physically, emotionally, and verbally abused all that time. Now I look back on it and wonder how on earth they managed to get through all those years of seeing that happen to me. I put them through a living hell. I was brainwashed and so emotionally and mentally 'brow-beaten' that I didn't have the strength to get out of it. I had in my mind that I worshipped the ground he walked on and I couldn't live without him. I think the 'conditioning' there is that they make us believe no one else would want us, that we aren't worthy of anyone and we are very lucky they give us the time of day.

I'll be honest with you. Your daughter is not going to stay away from him until she decides she will. He is purposely torturing her right now to 'punish' her for leaving, to make her feel like she can't have anything to do with you when she goes back out of allegiance to him - to make her feel like she did something so bad to him. Is there any way you can get her into a therapist right now? Would she speak to a pastor or someone such as that you know?

Just be there for her whenever she needs you. Don't pressure her. Yes, if I were you I'd take the phone off the hook, change the number without her knowing it, or anything. The more he calls, the tighter he is drawing her in. Keep her busy.

I feel for you so much. I just pray I don't ever have to see my daughter go through what my parents had to see.

Hugs and prayers,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 12:58pm

Changing your phone number will work only if she doesn't give it to him.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:20pm
My heart goes out to you as I also have a 22-year-old daughter who is being abused by her boyfriend. To my knowledge he has not gotten physically violent with her (yet), but the fact that she tolerates the verbal and emotional beatings has me terribly frightened for her safety. Like your daughter, mine feels she must give the relationship all she has, to the extent that she is moving across the country next week to be with him. I'm heartsick and despondent over her decision and the fact that she will be isolated from her support system, but she told me I need to "back off" and stop interfering in her life. That would be a lot easier if she hadn't brought the situation into our home, where our entire family became witness to the abuse.

I've ordered several books on domestic violence and am trying to educate myself about it, but the realization I've come to is that there is not a lot we can do for our daughters other than support them nonjudgmentally. This is a HUGE challenge for me, as my instinct is to do whatever needs to be done to protect my child from danger.

Please keep us updated. You're in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:43am
My daughter finally visited this site and wrote a message on the New Beginnings board under my ID with the title "I need some advice. ASAP".

Her husband has a bus ticket waiting for her to go back to him tonight(Friday). She will be checking the board.

Please, everyone, give her some advice.

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 7:15am
grammysmocks - I posted a reply to your daughter. Show her around this boards home page. Have her do a search from any of the search engines about physical emotional abuse. Yes, she will probably go back. On average it takes a person 7 times leaving before they are finally able to stay out of an abusive relationship.

My advice to you is to let her know that no matter what she decides, you will be there for her. You must be. If she goes back, HE will not want her to contact you if he thinks you are going to try to talk her into leaving. Just keep reminding her that you are there for her when she needs you - and then be there. Even if it is to listen to her cry and complain about him.

You continue to read and learn, there are many articles on the web about helping and being there for someone in an abusive relationship. Learn all you can so that you can be her rock.

Hugs to you and take care

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:54pm
Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to respond to my post and especially thank you to those of you who wrote to my daughter.

She seems determined to catch the bus back to her abusive husband if she can find a ride to the bus station 50 miles away. I will not take her and I've already explained that to her. Maybe I can't keep her prisoner in our home to try to save her life, but I won't be put into the position of putting her on a bus so she can head back to a life of abuse.

We've discussed a safety plan. I've made copies of all of her important documents (drivers license, SS card, birth certificate, marriage certificate, car title with tag number) to keep here and also to give her copies to hide in several safe places. I don't know if copies will help, but since he always takes these documents from her to try to keep her from leaving maybe having copies is better than nothing. We also have a code word that she is to use if she wants me to call the police. She has phone numbers for police and the women's shelter there. Is there anything else she should do (besides not go back)? I know that she may have a hard time implementing any of these plans because I am sure he will keep a very close eye on her from now on and probably take her documents from her right away and never let her call me or anyone for help.

If she leaves, then I will have to Let Go and Let God take over.

All prayers are welcome.

GrammySmocks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:05pm

I think you've done just about everything you can within the bounds of reality and the law.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 5:08pm
She left this morning. She missed the bus because no one would take her, so he drove 800 miles to get her.

My heart is broken and I am so afraid for her safety and her life.

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