Worse than scheduling a pap smear exam

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Worse than scheduling a pap smear exam
24
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 4:01pm

I made an appointment with a counselor. Boy - that was difficult. It is one thing to say you will and then another to do it.

I guess I think if I don't think about it - it will all go away, but isn't this what got me to stay in this mess in the first place?

I had no idea that looking at all of this would be so painful.

I do it just about the time I think to myself "maybe it wasn't so bad." Especially when my parents were over here trying to convince me that it wasn't. God - I need this appointment badly. At times I think - "Am I just a drama queen - trying to drum up sympathy?" But then I remember - I never told anyone. I kept it a secret. So no - I am not.

Since I can't go just yet - I will make my way to an al-anon meeting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 4:49pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:13pm

I started writing my list out yesterday of things I have just begun to remember. You know the stuff you say to yourself in any other relationship, you put in the past and don't bring up again. But with this type of relationship, it is just avoidance of the real issue.

I am grateful there are people that are out there that empathize with what I am going through. When I hear things like - others have trapped themselves in the bathroom - others have been "zoned out" for self-preservation and that I am not alone.

He called today to ask if I was going to pick up the kids (we would have done this ritual when he was here) and I told him from now on, unless there was an emergency, I would pick them up.

He then began to ask me about my day and I told him it was fine and got off the phone.

A friend of mine said that my inner thoughts and feelings no longer need to be shared with him. If I open myself up to be vulnerable, he will take advantage of that. He has done that the entire time we have been together. I can not allow that - so my boundaries are no discussions of feelings. I am not here to fix him, just myself, so I am no longer sharing.

Another person posted that sometimes she "missed him." I too find myself feling that way at times, and then I get angry at myself. I guess I missed the person I had painted him out to be. I missed the connection I had to the good side of him - but like I told him, it only made up 20 percent of who he is - and the other 80 is abusive. I need 100% good. I can't have that with him.

Thanks for the post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:45pm

"I missed the connection I had to the good side of him - but like I told him, it only made up 20 percent of who he is - and the other 80 is abusive. I need 100% good. I can't have that with him."


You are right on the button here! He might be

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 6:01pm

I think you have a wise friend. Keep this one. :)

It's good to journal as you've begun. I think we question ourselves after the fact is because our feelings have been so consistantly invalidated we doubt ourselves. We also just can't BELIEVE someone of whom we believed the best and invested so much of ourselves in could return our love with such horror.

I take issue with this statement: >>You know the stuff you say to yourself in any other relationship, you put in the past and don't bring up again.<< Think about it. If you're doing or have done that, what does it say about THAT relationship? Can you find a pattern here in the people you (or your heart and subconscious) have chosen for you in the past? And, harshly as this can come across, did you choose your father in them?

I really applaud you for getting off the phone. Part of the abuse can be to batter our boundaries. Sexual abuse, hitting, raging, restraint, threats, all come into our space. Control of our environment is given over to an abuser just to get them happy/quiet/asleep/out of your face. We have such a hard time realizing we have a RIGHT to say no, a RIGHT to not share. A RIGHT to privacy. This might sound convoluted, but good boundries let ourselves give ourselves permission to CHOOSE to let someone in.

I'm glad you made the phone call. Frankly, I'd rather swing my legs up in the air and let them Rotoroot me. BTW. Have you ever noticed if your gyno is a male, there is a really good chance when your legs are up in the air, that they're facing the door? So when the nurse thinks she's sneaking in quietly, you're crotching the entire hallway?

Just a thought.
C.

(Did it distract you?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 7:44pm

Ha!! No - always a girl for the gyno - I will remember that though!

Yes - I married my father. Holy cow - and I told myself I wouldn't. Which is exactly why I need counseling. I can not imagine falling into this trap again.

Man is it hard also not to call him to talk to him about different things. I know it will take time to get over that, but I can feel the "missing" in me. I talk myself through the emotions of it. It is like cutting a person out of your life - a cancer like person but a person nevertheless. Almost like removing a mole - you know it's gone and you might even think something is missing when you look in the mirror - familiarity, but it wasn't something you needed in the first place - and you had to get rid of it before it spread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:11pm

The missing cancer can be filled by joyful, quiet moments. It's hard to learn how to appreciate the quiet. It's also hard to learn to be alone without the apprehension that he's going to come home and xxxxx when he walks through the door. We get so darned conditioned.

Write here. Call some of those good friends of yours. Spend some time putting something together to surprise kids. Look over your finances and plan. Establish your own, new rituals. Something revolving around YOU.

After all, you deserve it. :)
C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:52pm
I started going Al A Non a couple of weeks ago with some friends who have an alcoholic son. I find i can relate to some of the things they talk about. I am their sponsor, but I find the conversations can be some what relieving for me.too.
Im thinking of you.
Angle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:02pm

Sweetie, once again you're on top of things.

If I had my way, everyone would be required to go to Al-Anon if they plan on having children. The only way to get out of it would be to be sterilized. Teenagers are chemically insane and life is a HUGE drama. Al-Anon works really well on not being drawn into THAT drama, too. Plus, it teaches people secondarily to let people be responsible for their actions, rather than parents ruining kids by NOT teaching them to be responsible. We teach them to be kids, then at 18 expect them to be adults. Huh? And statistically, boys are the worst. Al-Anon is the answer! :) (Ok, I have some weird yet logical ideas.)

I have to ask you this, because I smile every time I read your signature. You're using a canned one on your profile, aren't you?
I'm fairly certain you meant it to say "Angel" not "Angle" didn't you? I typo that word all the time.

This board needs the smiles, Ms. Wild Angle. :)
C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:25pm
Wow. So much in your post reminds me of how I feel myself. I like the cancer analogy,too. It is hard to "miss" the person that you spent so much time with. My ex made my life miserable but occasionally he did support me emotionally. I am sure it was only to get a return for his "investment" if you will. They never do anything that they don't get something out of.
You sound like you are doing great. How long have you been apart from your ex?

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:35pm
I love al-anon. My ex is addicted to crack cocaine and part of our chaotic life was because of that. Al-anon made sense of what I was going through and provided people/support for things that nobody else understood. I went for about a year before I was ready to end things with my ex. When I ended it is when he totally went over the edge and our "incident" happened. I would probably still be with him if not for the strength I learned from al-anon.
Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of discussion about the abuse in alcoholic/addictive relationships. So I didn't realize that our relationship involved domestic abuse. I knew ex was totally jealous/obsessive and had other control issues, but I thought it was because of his addiction and fried brain. You know, low self esteem from drug use,etc. After surviving the break-in and assault back in Sept, I have learned that he is an abuser AND a drug addict. Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That, really taught me a lot about these differences. She must have interviewed my ex,(kidding) for her book cuz it had him all through it.
Just had to give al-anon a plug. It's great. I miss it, but will go when I can. My work and DV support group keep me from attending right now.

Stephanie

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