X abusers wife called me

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
X abusers wife called me
8
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:55am

I don't know what to make of this,or how to feel about the whole thing. My X recently remarried,and they now have a new baby.He and I separated 11 years ago,we have 2 children together but he has rarely made contact with them.I have to say,given his character I feel blessed that he hasn't.Last fall I filed papers with the court to have his child support re-evaluated.His new wife came to court with him and I spoke to her briefly.She reallly seemed like a nice lady,too nice for HIM lol.

When their child was born,he called our children from the hospital to inform them that they have a baby sister.At first they had mixed feelings,he has never been a real father to them and quite frankly they were a little jealous,and hurt.They've since warmed up to the whole situation and even want to see her/know her.We went shopping and they bought her some things and we sent them to her.The new wife called me to let me know she'd received the gifts and she thanked the children and I.We began emailing pictures back and forth to each other,pictures of the kids,the new baby and so on.

She called me again yesterday,I could sense she'd been wanting to talk to me but was hesitant.It turned into a 3 hour conversation.She wanted to know what my X was like when he and I were married,why we separated... She asked questions about alot of things he'd told her about me,my kids,and things that have happened throughout the years.Apparently when they met she thought he was a nice guy,but it didn't take long for him to show his true colors.He has been abusive to her as well.The good thing is that she didn't come off as the kind of gal that's going to sit around and take it.He told her so many lies about me.I mean I know that X spouses recall things differently,there are always two sides to every story.But I mean this man is a compulsive liar,and thankfully for her she's caught onto this.
Something that she said is really bothering me,she said she felt like this man could totally lose it someday.I have always known he was dangerous,when I left him I literally had to run for my life.She said that he hates me so much,when he talks about me she can see the sheer hatred on his face.She laughed sort of nervously and said,"If he ever loses it,you and I will both be goners". I was floored, I knew he had issues with me,but I had no idea it was this bad.
I almost wish I hadn't spoken to her.I'm sure if he knew he'd be livid,and I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.I feel badly for her and her baby.I want my kids to know thier sister,but I don't want this psychopath back in thier lives.
Sorry so long.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:48am

Wow, what a story. Unbelievable. I feel badly for the current wife, and I'd like to say be supportive of her since you know EXACTLY what she is going through. However, I'd be really careful with that because if anything happens to their relationship (as I'm sure it will!) and he learns that you've talked to her about him (and she might blurt it out in a moment of exasperation) he might be so angry as to come after you. Even if he didn't come after you physically he could do other things to make your life miserable, like take you to court or refuse to pay child support or anything.

I don't know what I'd do were I in your shoes, but just reading your post makes me nervous.

Take care,
Vonique

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:01am

Serenity,

I have talked to my stepdaughter's mother lately. She and I have talked about my ex and how I was his mouth piece when we were together and how he never made decisions about her daughter when he should have. I saw many similiarities between my and her and now the ex and the GF. We have since become friends sort of and I know my stepdaughter loves the fact we talk and are both trying to be civil for her. She wishes her dad was the same way, but hey everyone needs dreams.

It helped in that I see how he used me just like he is using his current GF and how I didn't see it. I saw the lies he told and the things that were half truths. I wonder too sometimes how the GF can believe I am crazy and my mom's crazy and that I actually abandoned him while pregnant and refused to live in our marital home with him. Surely, this must sound as far fetched to her as it does to me.

I would be supportive and let her know where she can get help. I would be careful though not to get sucked into their marriage and or a really potentially dangerous situation. It's good you know his mindset though and it's good she knows what the game is with him. It may save her and her child in the long run.

Hope that helps, but it just goes to show that they don't change and eventually they all show their true colors.

-Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:03am
Thank you for your reply vonique,that's exactly what I'm afraid of..that he'll blow up and come after me in some way. I feel really torn, I *DO* know exactly what this poor woman is dealing with and my nature is to reach out to her and help. But I just can't.She did mention that she has family around her who support her,namely a few really big "beefy" brothers lol Something I didnt have. The whole thing just really stinks,ya know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:13pm
It would give validation that it wasn't you who had the problem in the marriage. It was him, and now you know without a doubt that you did the right thing and got rid of him. It's her problem now, and let her deal with the choices she's made. I wouldn't talk to her again, drama free your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:29am
Geez, Serenity, this one has been my fear all along.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:27am

Thank you Gonna,
I agree I shouldn't speak with her anymore,other than things pertaining to the kids.And even that should be limited.I just pray she makes it through this unscaved.Thanks to all of you for your input and much needed support as always,

Hugs,
Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:34am

"It would give validation that it wasn't you who had the problem in the marriage."

AMEN! I realize that in alot of situations,that validation never comes.This was a big issue with me when I left him.He had everyone beleiving that *I* was the horrible one.

It is HER problem now,unfortunately for her.But I'll continue to pray for her.
Just makes me so angry,sometimes I'd like to give these men a big ol' dope slap!!

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 8:53pm
You were wonderful to talk to her. My husband lived with a girl named "Sarah" for a few years before we started dating. I've heard that Sarah said my husband was really abusive to her, and that Sarah's mom hated my husband for what he did to Sarah. Really, I know nothing beyond off-handed comments. But considering some of the things I've been dealing with, I've always been curious to call Sarah and talk to her, if for no other reason than to find out that maybe I'm right to be concerned. You were sweet to open up your heart to this woman. Bless you.