Yep, one year here
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| Fri, 11-19-2004 - 9:59pm |
I have such a busy day tomorrow coming up and I have been waiting so long for this anniversary, I'm writing it a few hours earlier. Nov 20th, 2003 Wendell ran away from home after 27 years of marriage.
It's too perfect a night not to write this. It's light up night in Pittsburgh and a particular radio station is playing only Christmas music.
This time last year I thought I would never survive. I came home and everything of value was gone. The most valuable thing was my son. Just a note from him saying "I'm sorry."
I don't want to dwell on that night...that was just an event. The years before were the actual downfall of Terry. Through this idiot's own unhappiness he almost destroyed me. He latched on to me so tight that his thoughts were my thoughts. His happiness was my happiness. If I didn't think his way, then I wasn't thinking right. If I had a thought of my own, there was something wrong. I had gotten to a point that I shook all the the time. Every day I came home I had to assess the situation before I walked into the door.
There was no physical abuse, it was all sick manipulated mental abuse. Anything he could do to make his life "happy."
Both my children turned against me and I really didn't think I would ever make it. They had been my life. What they were seeing was a shell of a woman that had been beaten down so much that she no longer cared. She had quit fighting a long time ago. She was ready to go down...almost.
I'm glad to say I'm still here and I'm going to make it. Oh, I'm not quite there yet. I still have a horrible tendency to want to "fix things." I can't just say no. I worry about hurting someone elses feelings and negate my own. I defend myself on what I think when I really don't have to. YI have down times that I don't want to move. But every day I get better at this stuff. My eyes are slowly opening wider now and I am amazed at how I feel about things.
Old Wendell is still out there playing his tricks, my children are slowly realizing that maybe I'm not such a bad person. I'm starting to realize that it isn't my job to make the world happy. I am me, sitting here with my baseball cap on my head,just hung up a vinyl art flyer that was laying in the streets of Cleveland and have a ham and turkey in the fridge that I have to cook for a work party tomorrow. My life is good. As I journey on my trip to become whole again, I am so amazed of the people I meet and how they are playing an important role in my life. I just have to learn to trust again...that is the hard part.
Speaking of people that have helped me, need I say more. This board saved me. I am not going to name names because I will spend all night trying to figure out who I forgot....the new Terry, yeah right. Some things take a while. I don't think there is a way to thank you all. I don't know how many of you have seen the country song video with the train....anyway you guys pulled me from the tracks. For that I will ever be grateful.
For those of you searching...keep doing it, don't stop. Identify and realize the ramifications abuse has. It takes away the self esteem that is so important to make you whole. Rebuilding it is a slow process. Only one person can build it...you. I think of myself as the "money pit"....just when I get something fixed, something else breaks. That's okay though. Last weekend I cleaned my own chimney. Miss afraid of heights was on her roof with a chimney brush. Cleanest chimney on the mountain!
Enough
Terry

Terry:
It was a miserable night last night in Pittsburgh!!! It was drizzly yet warm but you seem to be at a point of happiness! I live near Pittsburgh. I cried when I read your post. Sometimes I just don't know how I can deal with this. You talk about shaking? I'm on medication cause I shake so much. STBX makes my life miserable every weekend. One night a weekend I go out with friends. Guaranteed he's calling me the next day with his verbal and emotional abuse. He sucks me into his world all over. Last week he was dying. Went to the doctor and had test done for his spots on his lungs. Thought he had cancer. He was crying and just wanted all of us not to fight anymore. He gave me $100 out of the goodness of his heart because he got a $900 bonus check. Mind you, I get $125 every two weeks to take care of DD. We share custody. She's been with me more than him. He thinks I have some boy friend. It just goes on and on and on and he beats me down. Some times I just want to leave the area on my own. Start a new life because he won't leave me alone. He can't understand why I left him. He keeps conjuring up this boyfriend thing in his mind. Why else would I leave him after 27 years? DAH!!!! Cause you were a control freak, a possessive, jealous, untrusting maniac that wouldn't let me have friends, that wouldn't let me socialize, that controlled all the money.
My DD hates both of us. She's going to counseling. These boards got me to where I am today. I'm pretty independent but I just wish he'd go away.
It's hard finding friends at this age when everyone has a life. I'm making a few here and there but it's hard. It's hard finding things to do when you're adjusting to a new single life. Thank goodness I work. I wish I worked 7 days a week.
I'm going to look into this board to find out how I can put in my email because I would love for you to email me. We sound like we could have a lot to talk about and beings we're from the Pittsburgh area, that's pretty cool.
I need to get my head together. To be strong, to stop letting him beat me down.
Thanks, Terry.
Happy
Hey Terry,
1 year of freedom!! Congratulations!!
I know that this has been a tough year at times for you, I've followed your "story". It took a leap of faith in regards to your kids and you are now seeing the results. I can't remember how old you kids are. Are they school age or older? Are they getting help, as in seeing a therapist?
Take care of yourself! It was good to read your post. You sound like your doing good.
hugs,
Pam
Congrats on the one-year mark! I know how I felt when I hit that mark. And having been there with you over the last couple of years, I know how important that anniversary is to you, Terry. You've come such a long way. I'm not going to say enjoy the new Terry. Enjoy the REAL Terry now that she's had time to come back out again. I'm sure glad to see her!
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
Thanks Pam,
My daughter is 23 and my son is 16. I've been following your posts too. Keep the faith and hang in there. As mollymyangel said the journey is just a huge bump in the road. I hope someday you will find the peace and freedom you so much want.
Terry
Thanks Cheryl!
It did feel good. It made me realize that my life is no longer stagnant. Hope all is going well with you and your two girls. I know the rebuilding of the relationships with my children is going to take a while, but I have the time. It's funny because the biggest thing that Wendell accused me of was not having a relationship with my children. He was right. He worked so hard at making sure I didn't. I'm mad at myself for allowing this, but I also know that living with him there was no other way. Actually now will be better. I don't have to justify my thoughts or actions to anyone anymore. Amazing that we allowed someone to take over our lives isn't it?
No more...
Terry