Yes its me again
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm |
Hello everyone,
I'm so sorry to continue to bother all of you, but I'm just very confused today.
My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good.
The day he got back, he was kind of crabby. He was upset my mom was at our home (watching our kids - he expected them to be at her hosue), he said that the kids said I went out every night (i didn't) and a few other accusing things.
Then I threw a big fit about how I felt "attacked" and that I was the one who was home for four days, toting the kids around (taekwondo, cub scouts, etc), I worked all day (I work full time) while he quit his job and went on a four day trip to Idaho and Oregon with his dad. I was mad!
He said he only went on the trip because he thought it would save our marriage. He said he wanted to do the "right thing" and help support his family, but that I keep telling him I need "space" and he thought this would help. And to be honest, I did encourage him to go on the trip, I just didn't encourage him to walk out on his job.
So then the next day it was like "invasion of the body snatchers." He changed 100% from being a jerk to "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you" and he's not getting upset with things that he used to.
So yes, he is walking around not getting mad at stuff he would have in the past. Most people would say this is nice but to me, its wierd, kind of eerie. When I said that to him, he just said that his ride "made him realize how much he loves me and if the world ended tomrorow, he would want me to know that"
So how do I know these are real changes and not because he wants to pacify me because he knows I want out of the marriage? How do I know this is because he wants to change and not because he's just feeling bad he no longer has a job and wants me to continue to support him? And why should I stay with him, even though he's changed, when I don't love him anymore?
I'm sorry for whining. Thank you for listening.

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You're not obligated to stay with him; as someone wrote in another thread, he does not own you, and you can choose to end the relationship at any time for any or no reason.
As we've said in other cases, odds are that he has not changed. I'm going to post the thread again on "How to Tell if He is Changing"; however, you're not obligated to stay, even if he is, which I doubt. Take a look and see what you think:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25539.1
Best of luck, and do keep us posted.
Hello!
I wanted to check in with you to see how things are going, whenever you are free.
Thanks!
Blessedgirl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Thank you for checking in with me. The things are the same. Well, he was "nice" for about a month and now he's all bitter and angry with me again. He told me that his self esteem is low enough, he doesnt' need my help to bring him down, yet he isn't very nice to me.
We are supose to be selling our home for him to go to flight school. Since he isn't working, I've been having him do most of the work (fixing the bathroom, making teh arrangements, everything). And he's mad at me because I'm not doing anythign to help him get going and I'm just sitting back and making him do all the work. Well hello! I have a job! He is home all day doing nothing but playing video games and works in the yard. NO housework. Oh sure, he takes the kids to daycamp for me and picks them up. Woo hoo
I'm sorry, I'm bitter and angry today but very happy I"m leaving the job where I sit next to his ex-affair partner.
You're welcome, I'm glad to check in with you!
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I know what you mean, they'll be "nice" for awhile, then they start with their stuff. Please correct me if I'm wrong, didn't he quit his job without discussing it with you? I can't see what he's got to be bitter and angry with you about. Sometimes, they make it sound like the whole world is against them, no one understands them. If you complain about something they do, they claim that you're out to get them. (Atleast, that's what my ex used to do)
How do you feel about selling your home? That's a pretty big sacrifice for him to go to school. It seems to me that since he's unemployed, he should be the one to deal with the home repair/arrangements. That's only sensible. What I'm wondering is.. why does he feel that you're not helping him? It doesn't seem to me that you're sitting back, and making him do all of the work. It sounds like he expects to live like a teen-ager, playing video-games and such. Forgive me, but he sounds very irresponsible. I used to feel like it would take an Act of Congress to get my ex to do anything around the house,(LOL) he was always with the video-games, as well. I know it can be very frustrating.
Please don't apologize! You're merely expressing how you feel. This is pretty tough to deal with. If you don't mind me asking, are you going to a new job? I can imagine that you wouldn't miss your neighbor at work, that sounds very difficult.
If you don't mind me asking, what does your family think of this? (Please let me know if I need to mind my own beeswax..)
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello,
I have started a new job so its very difficult for me to post now. I finally left my old job and found something much better. I'm so happy now that I am no longer sitting next to his ex-girlfriend.
I am not sure why he thinks that I am not helping. Probably because he is taking the kids to daycamp every day, making dinner and dealing with selling his motorcycle without my help. The problem is that I am working through the week, and I don't have the time to do these things that he has. Plus, I still clean, do the luandry and the grocery shopping, all the "mandatory" things that he is still not doing.
Anyway, my family is very supportive of me and don't understand why my H is the way he is. They keep telling me that I will eventually have enough of him and walk away. Unfortuantely, that has not happened yet. I just don't understand why I can't just up and leave him, why I feel so responsible for hime.
I have to run, thanks again for listening.
Hello! I'm glad to listen anytime.
Congratulations on your new job! That's wonderful. How do you like it so far? It sounds like you're doing alot of work at home as well. I suppose he thinks you're not helping, because he's gotta do some things. I hate to say it, but that's what it looks like to me.
Here's a thought...let's try to understand why you feel responsible for him....If I'm understanding what you're saying, it seems like you don't understand, either. That is a tough question, it's hard to be objective about your own relationships. There is too much emotional investment. One thing I find helpful is to think of what I would tell someone else. Say that you're imaging what you would tell a friend who was in your situation.
I used to feel responsible for my ex, too. One reason was I tend to be an enabler, and make excuses for people. The other was we'd been together for years. We met when we were in college, and he'd been supportive of me through a tough time. At one time, I was unemployed, and had alot of family problems. He was very supportive, believe it or not. Eventually, he changed into an abuser. My problem was I kept seeing that schoolboy I fell in love with, and made excuses for his bad behavior. Anyway, that was my experience, I don't know if your reasons are the same or not. Everyone is different.
Have a great weekend!
Best Regards,
Blessed Girl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello everyone, its me again. I need to give you all an update.
First of all, thank you blessed for your comments below. I feel the exact same way you do! I keep seeing the guy I fell in love with. I don't know why I feel sorry for my H, I think you're right when you say there's too much emotional investment. Because trust me, if anyone else were in my shoes, I'd say run! I read these posts and in my head I'm saying "RUN RUN RUN" to the women and yet.. I stay. So why I am I such a mess that I can't leave? Okay.. lots to tell you.
I dont' remember where I left off so forgive me. But basically in June or July, I forgot which, my H quit his job to go on a motorcycle trip with his father. He was supose to be gone a few weeks but ended up coming home after four days. When I would get upset because he quit his job, he would blame me telling me it was my fualt because he figured that the time away from me would make me "happy" and it would save our marriage since I keep telling him I need a break from this relationship.
Well of course we all know that you aren't free of someone in four days so when he got back, we fell into the same pattern as normal and no, he still does not have a job.
So when he got back from his trip, he decided he wanted to be an airplane pilot. I found a school in AZ where he would finish his flight school in five months (here in WA it would take over 2 years). So he was totally agreeable to it. Our plans included selling our home and taking the equity and paying for his school. While he was gone, the kids and I would move into an apartment and then when he got home, we could evaluate our relationship and either purchase a new home or split up.
He was supose to leave in August and asked for one more month to get everything settled. So I gave him until September 5th (his class was supose to start the 5th). So we put our home on the market, checked out apartments and everythign was going well until a week before he was supose to leave when he started telling me he needed one more month. This is a pattern for him and I told him that even if I gave him one more month, he wouldn't go, so he needed to either go now or never. We got into a huge fight and didn't talk for a week. The day he was supose to leave was freaking crazy.
He walked around the house mumbling to himself over and over about what he should do. he would say "I'm going" and then "I'm not going" back and forth, back and forth. Then finally we got into a huge fight and I told him to just go. Just go and see if you even like it! I had already paid a non-refundable $1500 deposit, a $250 plane ticket that I changed and spent another $250 so he could get a later flight and I just wanted him gone.
You can guess it.. he was back in two days. The first day was alright but so much had happened while he was gone that I had a ton of stress built up inside and at dinner one night, a few days after he was home, I blew up at him for the way he was talking to our daughter. I threw soda pop on him and threw his dinner on the ground. Then I grabbed antoher soda pop and started throwing it all over the kitchen. I was out of control and I couldn't stop even when my 9 year old son was laying his head on the table and sobbing. I feel like the worst mom ever.
So he flipped out on me and proceeded to beat the crud out of me. Over and over he smashed my head into the hardwood floors, grabbed me by the throat so I couldn't breath, hit me, kicked me, ripped my underwear right off me without taking my pants off. Did some other really degrading mean thigns to me. All the while saying horrible nasty things about me and my family. Mean horrible things about how I am just like my mom and my mom forced my dad to beat her up when I was growing up. He of course learned this from my brother while he was in Phoenix.
My brother, of course, denies saying anything of the sort and to be 100% honest, I believe my brother. Anyway, there's more but I'm writing this at work and can't talk about it anymore without crying.
The next day he apologized to me and said he thinks it is because he was drinking and that drinking makes him mean and he wont' drink anymore. He hasn't drunk since and he's been nice but he's hit me before and not been drunk but never, never like that.
And to be honest, I can't even look at him anymore. I haven't moved out either and I am kicking myself. I hate myself. I'm so mad.
So any suggestions would be great. Tell me how dumb I am for staying.
Hello, Flowergirl:
Thanks for your posting. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
It sounds to me like you're in alot of danger right now. The beating you're describing sounds life-threatening. His excuse of being drunk is not acceptable. My advice is to make an exit plan immediately. I'd be glad to help you with that. Guys like his don't like to lose control, and tend to become more violent when this happens. He probably feels like he's losing you, because of talk of ending the marraige. His return from school so quickly tells me that he wants to keep you under his thumb. He doesn't want to leave, because he fears losing you. The beating he gave you may even get worse..I don't like telling you all of this.
You mentioned that you would tell someone else in your shoes to RUN! Here's a question for you..is your compassion for him enough to keep you married to a violent man? You're saying that you hate yourself? That's a tough one...are you sure that you're not being too hard on yourself? What have you done to yourself which causes you to hate you? Please don't allow his abuse affect your self-image.
This is a life-altering decision, which is emotionally charged. I'm hopeful that you'll consider it. What do you think?
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
I think that maybe I deserve it, I think. I made my son cry when I was throwing soda. I am not affectionate to my husband, I think I even hate him at times. I don't know. My family has often asked me if he is violent and I lie. They see his verbal abuse. They see his laziness, they see the way he is turning my children away from me. They hear his lies from my children.
Even my children feel sorry for him. They tell me to give daddy money because daddy's broke. They told me that I should be nicer to dad because I make daddy sad. They tell me that they want to live with their dad and not me. That kills me.
I don't know. I saw my mom get smacked around while I was growing up, so maybe I feel like its alright, as long as he doesn't hit the kids. I swear I thought he was going to kill me and to be honest, no matter how nice he is now, I'm terrified. He's threatened that if I leave he will tell CPS that I am doing drugs, my family is doing drugs and he will coach my daughter to say she is being touched. I know he is mean and vindictive when he wants to be.
You DO NOT deserve anything of what has happened to you. You do not deserve to be hit or even yelled at. You deserve so much more.
I also agree that this will get much worse. He has really hurt you and it will continue until you put a stop to it.
You need to get out fast and I mean fast. He left to eschool because he didn't have control of you when he was away from you. He wants to be near you all the time to control you.
Of course he is threatening you now. He will say everything and anything to make you stay. He will make threats about telling people about you doing drugs, he will threaten you about the kids.... he will do anything.
You need to run away fast.... He is dangerous.
Keep us posted.
Lauren
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