Yes its me again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Yes its me again
71
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm

Hello everyone,

I'm so sorry to continue to bother all of you, but I'm just very confused today.

My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good.

The day he got back, he was kind of crabby. He was upset my mom was at our home (watching our kids - he expected them to be at her hosue), he said that the kids said I went out every night (i didn't) and a few other accusing things.

Then I threw a big fit about how I felt "attacked" and that I was the one who was home for four days, toting the kids around (taekwondo, cub scouts, etc), I worked all day (I work full time) while he quit his job and went on a four day trip to Idaho and Oregon with his dad. I was mad!

He said he only went on the trip because he thought it would save our marriage. He said he wanted to do the "right thing" and help support his family, but that I keep telling him I need "space" and he thought this would help. And to be honest, I did encourage him to go on the trip, I just didn't encourage him to walk out on his job.

So then the next day it was like "invasion of the body snatchers." He changed 100% from being a jerk to "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you" and he's not getting upset with things that he used to.

So yes, he is walking around not getting mad at stuff he would have in the past. Most people would say this is nice but to me, its wierd, kind of eerie. When I said that to him, he just said that his ride "made him realize how much he loves me and if the world ended tomrorow, he would want me to know that"

So how do I know these are real changes and not because he wants to pacify me because he knows I want out of the marriage? How do I know this is because he wants to change and not because he's just feeling bad he no longer has a job and wants me to continue to support him? And why should I stay with him, even though he's changed, when I don't love him anymore?

I'm sorry for whining. Thank you for listening.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 3:37pm

Hello, Flowergirl!

I used to feel like I deserved abuse, as well. My thought was if I was getting treated poorly by my husband, I must have done something to cause it. The abusers want to convince you of that exactly. Basically, as long as you do whatever they want, they won't hurt you. This is manipulation. What I didn't understand then was ...I didn't deserve it, and no one does. The abuse wears on your self-esteem, and your dignity. If you're constantly critized and bullied, you feel like you can't do anything right. The abuse they heap out is for violating the rules in "their world", not in everyone else's world. In "their world", they make the rules, and are in complete control.

I know that you feel badly when your son cried, when you were throwing soda. To me, that shows me that you have a good heart, because you felt so badly. It sounds to me that you were under a tremendous amount of stress when you did that. Here's something I did once...I threw a phone on the floor! I forget what led up it, but I remember my ex was on some "tirade". He would pick fights. If I resisted, he would bully me. Anyway, I remember feeling at that moment that I had really lost it, I'm usually pretty mild. He told me I was crazy for doing that. I spoke with people about it later, and what they told me was people are designed to take only so much. If my idea of "losing it" was throwing a phone, that was no big deal. It's hard to always be in control when you have constant stress.

Your family is very perceptive, I'm sure that they will help you. I remember lying, too. I lied to my family, friends, schoolmates, everyone. I'm a very honest person, and I didn't like lying. I was asked why I had bruises on my arms, and why I didn't want to go home..I always had an excuse... It was like I had a double life. At school, I was very popular. I stayed there as often as possible. I felt extremely embarrassed by my home situation...I was ashamed. I didn't want people to know what was happening... It was like ..bad enough that I had to live like that, let alone have people know about it. I'm told that the lying about the abuse is common for dv victims, because once you tell people, it's like admitting that you're really being abused. That's a tough one, because people don't always know that they're in an abusive relationship. Sometimes, they try to convince themselves that they're not.

I'm sorry to hear that he's conning your children. That's another toughie. I don't have kids, so I can't talk from experience. I can imagine that it kills you when they seem so supportive of him. It seems to me that he's taking advantage of them, and that you're shielding them from him. If they knew his "real deal", they'd sure see things differently. He probably really lays it on for them.. If you don't mind me asking, how old are your children?

If you saw your mom get smacked around, I'm sure that has an impact. I can't speak from experience on that one, either. However, my mom grew up in a home with dv. Her mom was smacked around, and threatened. My grandfather didn't hit the kids, only my grandmom. It's probably just like you're describing, that you'd seen it growing up, and it seemed alright. He wasn't hitting the kids. I think that the environment in which we grow up, kind of sets up our version of "normal". If there is abuse in the home, one could think that it's "normal" behavior, it becomes a pattern.

I don't blame you for being terrified! I would sure be. You're very wise to acknowledge that no matter how nice he is now, there's still reason to be terrified.
He's threatened you if you leave? My goodness, what a so-and-so... The abusers usually threaten like that. For example, one of my friend's ex-husband's threatened to hire someone to kill her. She left him anyway, and is doing fine. Anyway, your H may have his threats to say you and your family are druggies, and allege molestation. However, I don't think he can con the authorities. Believe it or not, former spouses make accusations like that, and coach the kids' testimony, frequently. (I work in law) The agencies investigate. He can say whatever he likes, but he's got to have evidence.

How would you feel about telling your family about what happened?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 6:31pm

Hello again, sorry it takes me so long to respond but its hard to find time here at work to write and I don't dare check at home.

I would never tell my family because if I did, I know they would take the situation into their own hands, meaning I would be phsyically moved out. And I guess I still have that feeling that I deserve it. And when he's being nice, I feel such guilt and so sorry for him that its hard to want to hate him. Like today, he called me and I was busy and he was like "want to go to lunch?" And I lied and said I couldn't take lunch, I was too busy, and he was so sad. He said he was out looking for jobs and he was close to me and wanted to see me. I was planning on going home and telling him I was leaving (I plan that everyday) but now I know I won't becuase I feel bad for not having lunch with him. See the pattern?

Thank you for sharing the phone story. I would never hurt anyone on purpose but I cannot explain the rage I felt that day. I am just exhausted from thinking of it. I'm emberrassed also that my son saw me lose my temper. I feel like a rotten mom. I know its understandable but its still not right.

My son is nine and my daughter is eight. I do not mind any questions. I feel at peace when I'm reading the responses here. I wish mostly though that I could just go home, grab my stuff and walk out.

But like I said before, since that day he beat me up pretty bad, he's been the picture of a perfect husband/father. I hate it when he's nice more than I hate it when he's mean.

Thanks for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 11:15am

Hello, Flowergirl:

Thanks for your reply. No worries, write whenever it's convenient for you. You're wise to not repond at home, he'll probably check the computer. As for me, I usually repond from work, I don't have a computer at home. If you don't hear from me on the weekends, that's why, my apologies.

I see, your family would move you out. It may feel uncomfortable with that, it sounds like. They may seem overbearing to you, if I'm understanding correctly. Believe it or not, it sound to me that they really love you. They will see you through. The feeling that you deserve it.. do you know why?

I know what you mean about how nice they can be...it is hard to hate them. It seems to me that most people aren't all good, or all bad. I remember that my ex cooked me a really nice dinner for Valentine's Day, and then asked me if everything was perfect. He couldn't have been sweeter! Then, two weeks later, he went into a rage..I ended up leaving him. I've heard it said that there is a pattern of sorts..there's an explosion, then a honeymoon period, then a tension period. The abuser is not always abusive.. It's the cycle of abuse. I don't like saying this to you, but even though he's being nice, it that won't last. Thanks for explain your pattern with him. I can see that you feel badly for not having lunch with him...you sound like you are nice. You plan everyday to go home and leave him, what do you have in mind?

No problem, I'm glad to share my stories. I know what you mean, it's understandable, but not right. Your kids are youngsters, eh? I'm glad that you feel at peace while reading these responses..do you know what it is that makes you peaceful about it? You wish mostly that you could go home, get your stuff and leave.. How do you think that would make you feel?

I know what it's like to hate when they're nice. It's like, you think you have them pegged as a "bad guy", and then they're not. If they're mean, it's easier to dislike what they do. I've heard the theory that as humans, we are creatures of duality. The sweetest, nicest person can also have a mean side, and the meanest, nastiest peron can have a nice side.

Thanks for your willingness to put up with my questions.

What would you tell someone else in your shoes?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:41pm

Oh trust me.. he definately checks my computer. While he was gone in AZ, I looked up a taxi ride for my brother on the internet and he saw it and flipped out wondering why I was looking up taxi rides. I totally got mad when he didn't believe me about who and why I was looking it up.

I know my family loves me and would do anything to see me happy. Unfortunately, I will not allow them to step into my life and make the decisions I know they would want to make. And that's why I lie to them. plus, I feel responsible for my Husbands feelings and I know I would be happy if we separated and he would not. And that is one of the reasons that I think I feel like I deserve it when he hits me. Its like though he knows how far to push me and then he backs up to being nice.

I think you're right with the pattern. Its like he goes into self pity mode. He was telling me this weekend that he has tried really hard by making dinner all week and he just doesn't understand why I don't appreciate him. Well hello!

I guess my plan is to talk to him and get him to understand that us living apart is a good idea. I don't know why but I need him to understnad why I want to leave. I guess I just don't want to hurt him.

I think if I truly went home, got my stuff and left, I would feel guilty and selfish. I don't know. I feel bad for the kids, and him, I think. Its hard for me to truly know what is the right thing to do at times. I know that if I played the happy wife, he would respond in kind. Its when I do something he doesn't like that the hammer comes down and when I act nice to him, he is nice back type of thing. But the problem is that I don't love him anymore and I hate it when he touches me. No matter what I've done in the past, I just don't feel like I can pretend to love him anymore.

I think that if I was talking to someone in my shoes, I would tell them that their happiness is important and to not settle. I have a g/f who is very unhappy in her mairrage and I tell her all the time that she deserves to be happy. Well, I know I deserve it too but I guess I truly don't think that. If that makes sense! Because I would leave if I truly thought that right? I don't know.

Its like today he is out looking for a job and he's calling and telling me that he's so sorry for messing up. That he should never have quit his job to go on the motorcycle trip and he's sorry that he went to AZ and maybe he should have stayed there. He's so lost so of course I'm like "we can talk about it when I get home" and I am trying to figure out how to help him. So do I want to dump on him when he's already low? Not really.

But here's the weird thing. He hasn't even called his dad since he's been home. How wierd is that!

So how did you get the courage to leave? How did you leave? Thank you again for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:54pm
Flower, I agree with the poster who said your H is very dangerous.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:09am

Hello, Flowergirl!

That's something. I find that those kind of folks usually check up on everything. Mine used to question the books I was reading. Can you believe that?

Do you know why you feel responsible for your husband's feelings? I can imagine he wouldn't be happy at all if you seperated. If I understanding correctly, you think that his violence is your fault? Kind of like, if he feels badly, it's my fault. I make him feel badly, or he wouldn't hit me?

He seems to want praise for cooking dinner, eh? You must find that incredibly frustrating. It seems like you're working alot. He's not working, and my thought is, that's the least he could do.

Thanks for sharing your plan with me. I understand that you don't want to hurt him, and that you want to explain things to him. However, you're very likely to place yourself in alot of danger. Abusers tend to be folks who feel like they're out of control. I'm concerned that he'll flip out. My advice is not to tell him before you leave. I know it sounds cold, but you've got to be safe. If you get a chance to read dv materials, they say that the woman is in the most danger when she leaves her abuser. Believe it or not, that is when you're the most vulnerable.

You'd feel guilty and selfish...Do you know why? I can see that you'd feel bad for him , and the kids. Do you know why you'd feel bad? I'm familar with what you're saying, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is, sometimes. You don't love him anymore, and seem to be acting. (I did that, too) I know it's not easy..

I see..why is your advice different for your girlfriend, than for you?

I know what you mean about not dumping them when they're down. It's like, you don't want to kick someone when they're down. Do you think he brought these troubles on himself? To me, it seems like it. He quit his job to go on the trip, then had a chance to go to AZ to be a pilot. He bailed on it. It seems like he doesn't see the consequences of his actions. You try to help him, and you'll have a plan. He doesn't seem to do what you both agree to. Then he's back at square one. Is this correct?

That is wierd that he hasn't called his dad. I wonder if they got along on the trip?

Thanks for the compliment! As far as the courage part goes, it didn't come easily. I had it in the back of my mind for months..I knew that there was some problem, but I didn't really know what it was. I talked with a few people about their abusive relationships, and things started to click. I always felt like I was on eggshells at home. It was so bad, that I could stay still in one place. For example, if I were standing, my ex would come up and push me out the way. (Sounds like a sweatheart, eh?) I didn't want to get pushed or hit, so I was always moving. I would like, come into a room, and walk away. I felt like it I was moving, he couldn't get me. He would pick these ridiculous fights...One day,(it was Easter Sunday!) he picked such a fight. I had really had it. I took issue with what he was saying. He got really mad, and came into the room, with a look of rage. He then put his hand on my throat, and pushed me back. I really thought he was going to kill me right then and there. He then expressed remorse, and almost tried to get me to feel badly for him. I was tired of his excused by then, and I was tired of being scared all of the time. Also, I had reservations about leaving, partially because it would mean a new life. I feared what they would be. I reached a point where anything was better than what I was experiencing. Easter Sunday means alot to me. I took it as a sign that I was being pushed into a new life.

I called a classmate/friend, and asked her if I could stay with her. She said no problem. I went to school the next day, and then went with her to her home.

I'm sorry to tell you this story, but it's true. My concern for you is the severe beating that he gave you, I'm worried for your life. I encourage you to plan an exit strategy. One of the posters suggested leaving something at a friends, that's a good idea. Is there someone with whom you could stay for awhile?

I'm glad to listen!

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 3:41am

Hi, Flowergirl. I've been thinking about you and worrying about you all day. You always talk about the concern you have for your husband's happiness, as if it were your responsibility, but you can't make him happy. You also sound as if you think it's your job to fix him, but there's no way you can do that.

I'm really sorry--you've tried and tried, but your husband is broken. He doesn't work right, and there's nothing you can do to repair him. All you can do is remove yourself and your children from a dangerous situation that you did not cause, and for which you are not responsible.

The stress you are experiencing is not going to get better as long as you stay, and the grief, guilt, and fear you are feeling is also active in your children. I know you don't want this for them, and they don't want it for you. Please consider that your husband is an adult, with many options open to him if he chooses to take them, but you are your children's only hope for a happy life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 6:57pm

Hello and thank you for thinking of me. I do worry about my husbands happiness and I think I am beginning to realize why. Basically in our whole relationship, even when we were dating, he would constantly tell me how I would not think of him. And he would always tell me how I could do more for him, to make him happy. He would always complain if I did anything that inconvenienced him or if I did something for someone else. He was completely involved in himself and what he wanted.

Sometimes he would do things for me but he never did anything for me to be kind. What I mean is that he has the motto "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" and if he did anything for me, he would expect something back. If I didn't do something back, he would get upset and say things like "I did that for you.. you haven't done anything for me" that type of thing.

So I became accustomed to "doing" for him first or better than he did for me. Does that make sense? For example, if we said we were going to spend $20 on a Christmas gift, I'd spend $100. One Christmas I got him a bunch of little things and he complained about them all. Told me why he didn't want every single thing and what was wrong with it. it was a tough lesson and now I only get him gifts that he has asked for.

And yes, I feel like I have to "fix" him but the more I think of it, the more I don't think I will ever be the "one" for him.

And you're right about my children. I need to think about that very seriously. If I can't do it for me, I should do it for them. Its just hard because they love thier dad so much and it breaks my heart when they say they miss him or want him and not me. But on the other hand, he says things to them that hurts me. I need to get out, but why I haven't is freaking me out. My mom is almost so annoyed with me not leaving that I'm afraid I'm going to distance her like I have many of my freinds. I am afraid the people on this board are going to finally go "Enough! Quit posting!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 7:06pm

I love romance novels and yet my husband calls them "p*rn for women" and says that since I read those books, I should know how to treat a guy and yet I still screw it up. So yes, he makes sure to know what books I'm reading and seems to find them over the house when I try to hide them. Plus, I purchased a book on narcisit (sp?) because my aunt told me that's what he is and he found the book. He also found the book I had on DV. So yes, he checks EVERYTHING I do.

And yes, if I didn't upset him, he wouldn't hit. If I didn't push.. etc. He called me today and said "I need to find a place for my anger management and I don't know who to call. I don't know why I blow up like that. I get mad and I black out" meaning he doesn't remember all he did to me. Its very scary for me.

He tells me its my fault that he quit his job because he went on the trip with his father to get away and give me some space (because I've been asking for space) and so that's why he went.

Okay, here's where you're going to think I'm weird. And this is why I feel so guilty. I have an apartment that I have rented. I've had it for about five months now. I've been planning on leaving but everytime I go to leave.. he says something that breaks my heart and I stay. Why I don't go is just upsetting me because I know that I need to go. I know that I'd be so much happier without him. I have a place to go and no escuse not to go.

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I had your courage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 7:09pm

I hae to tell you that I was terrified for a few days after that incident but since then, he's been very, very nice. I have an exit plan and a place to go. The problem is when he's mean like that I hate him and I can leave but he won't let me go. When he's being nice like this last week, the guilt sets in and I can't leave. So that's why I'm so upset. I'm mad because I feel sorry for him and care more about his feelings than my feelings and the kids' feelings. So why am I so messed up? I am getting upset at myself just thinking about it!

I feel like I have to explain and make him understand why I wnat to leave him. Its like I have to have is permission. I am a grown up, right? I can make my own decisions. Ah.. obviously I can't.

Pages