Yes its me again
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm |
Hello everyone,
I'm so sorry to continue to bother all of you, but I'm just very confused today.
My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good.
The day he got back, he was kind of crabby. He was upset my mom was at our home (watching our kids - he expected them to be at her hosue), he said that the kids said I went out every night (i didn't) and a few other accusing things.
Then I threw a big fit about how I felt "attacked" and that I was the one who was home for four days, toting the kids around (taekwondo, cub scouts, etc), I worked all day (I work full time) while he quit his job and went on a four day trip to Idaho and Oregon with his dad. I was mad!
He said he only went on the trip because he thought it would save our marriage. He said he wanted to do the "right thing" and help support his family, but that I keep telling him I need "space" and he thought this would help. And to be honest, I did encourage him to go on the trip, I just didn't encourage him to walk out on his job.
So then the next day it was like "invasion of the body snatchers." He changed 100% from being a jerk to "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you" and he's not getting upset with things that he used to.
So yes, he is walking around not getting mad at stuff he would have in the past. Most people would say this is nice but to me, its wierd, kind of eerie. When I said that to him, he just said that his ride "made him realize how much he loves me and if the world ended tomrorow, he would want me to know that"
So how do I know these are real changes and not because he wants to pacify me because he knows I want out of the marriage? How do I know this is because he wants to change and not because he's just feeling bad he no longer has a job and wants me to continue to support him? And why should I stay with him, even though he's changed, when I don't love him anymore?
I'm sorry for whining. Thank you for listening.

Pages
Hello, Flowergirl!
I'm sorry for my delayed response, I wasn't near a computer this weekend. I know what you mean about how they check everything, mine could've been a detective! LOL A narcissist, or someone who is self-absorbed. I want to say that's how you spell it. I don't really know.
You're saying that "If I didn't upset him, he wouldn't hit". Do you know what upsets him? You mentioned that if you "didn't push". Can I ask what you mean by pushing?
I also find it very scary that he blacked out. If you don't mind me saying, he doesn't seem capable of handling his temper. The getting angry and losing it makes me think that he's a loose cannon, and very dangerous, I'm sorry to say. What you described to me was life-threatening.
I'd be curious as to why he came back after only four days, then? Does it seem to you that he's trying to blame you for his quitting?
No worries! Do you know why you feel guilty over having the apartment? Thanks for sharing this with me. It sound to me that you had guts to do that, especially with his checking into everything. Please don't be so hard on yourself, this is tough emotionally. It's like you said, you know you need to leave. What is it that he says that breaks your heart?
You have more courage than you think.
Regards,
Blessed Girl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
You don't have to apologize for not responding. I can only write during lunches and breaks at work so I truly understand. Plus, I know I have to be getting on everyone's nerves because I won't make any changes and get I won't stop writing. So if you can tell me how to get past this block with not moving out, that would be helpful. How do you get to the point where you have had enough or just go?? I want to be there. Everytime I think I'm there, something is said or happens so I start feeling like I'm being selfish.
Well when I "push" him its like the other night he had looked on the computer and saw in the history that I had looked up a cab company for my brother. When he asked me about it, I told him what it was for. Well, he didn't tell me he found it in the history, he told me that we received an email from the cab company saying thank you for using their service. I knew it was a lie because 1) I just got a quote for my brother, he didn't use the cab service and 2) I used information to look up their phone number to call and I just got a quote so I knew there was not an email and I told him that. So when he denied it, and didn't trust me that it was a quote for my brother (he thought I had a cab place bring someone to my home) I kind of flipped out and started calling him a liar. That's what I mean by pushing him. That was totally rude and inconsiderate of me to do that but I was very upset he didn't beleive me.
He completely blames me for him quitting his job. He blames me because he said he only went on the trip to give me "space" he went on the trip for me. He came back after only four days because he wasn't havign a good time with his father.
The stuff he says that breaks my heart is when he says things like "the kids want me to go because I'm always screaming at their dad" and when he plays the "poor me" part. Like today his motorcycle sold and he's so sad. So I feel bad that he sold it. I don't know, it breaks my heart when I think the kids think I'm this horrible person and their dad is perfect. I mean he told me the other day that the kids said that they don't undersatnd why dad always has to leave, why I'm always kicking dad out. Stuff like that.
Anyway, I just want the courage to leave.
Hello, Flowergirl!
Thanks for understanding, we business women are on the go. LOL I can't speak as to anyone else's opinion. As for me, you haven't been getting on my nerves, not even in the slightest. In terms of when you've had enough, my view is everyone has their saturation point. In my marriage, I had people tell me that I should leave my husband, that his behavior was emotionally abusive. For some reason, that wasn't enough for me. My breaking point was physical abuse. The main reason is that my grandmom really drummed that into my head...If a man hits you, you need to leave him. Still, my ex would slap me, and push me...for some reason, I didn't think of it as physical abuse. I even had people ask me why I would be late alot to school, and why I had bruises. I always had an excuse. Something like, "I have a long ride" or "I bumped myself while moving furniture". I grew adept at covering up at-home diffculties. Looking back, I think I was in denial about it. I didn't realize that I was really in an abusive marraige, I never thought that would happen to me. I talked with some ladies about their former abusive relationships, and things kind of clicked for me. Some part of me was truly hoping that it wasn't happening. In addition, I was tired of being fearful all of the time. My thought was, anything is better than this.
How do you define selfish?
Thanks for explaining what you mean by "push". In my opinion, it doesn't seem like you're pushing him. There's a law in physics that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. He was the one who was snooping, and looking at the computer history. It also sounds to me that he lied, from what you're describing. That is incredibly frustrating. It sounds like he was confronting you with something, which he made up. It was like he had some made-up scenario in his mind, and was asking you to defend yourself. He made up some "evidence", if you will. To me, I wouldn't say it was pushing. It's a reaction to his trumped-up accusation.
It's not cool that he blames you for quitting his job. It doesn't sound to me like he discussed it with you before-hand. (Please correct me if I'm wrong.) From you posting, it didn't seem that you liked that he quit his job. You can't take responsibility for something over which you had no control. It sounds to me like that was his unilateral decision. It sounds like he's trying to push responsibility on you, for something you had no choice in. He needs to accept responsibility for his own choices, in my book. Further, if he were trying to give you space, as it were, he could have done that many other ways.
I'm sorry to hear it! I'm wondering if the kids are really saying this stuff? Please keep in mind that you're shielding them from alot of his problems, I'd venture to say. Is he wallowing in self-pity? The fact that he sold his motorcycle made him sad, but I'm wondering if he brought it on himself? You feel bad when you see him sad, do you know why?
What would provide you with the courage to leave?
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello, Flowergirl:
I wanted to check in with you, to see how things are going. I hope that you're well!
Best Regards,
Blessedgirl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello,
Everything is alright except I'm going crazy with wanting to leave him and not being able to. He is all sad and "sick" lately. He told me that since he's been back from Arizona he's been ill, not feeling well and needs my "help." I am not sure how to "help" him. I don't know. I'm frustrated with msyelf for staying where I don't want to be.
Thank you for checking in with me. I just am frustrated with myself all the time. So its hard for me to write and whine about how bad I have it when only I can change my life.
Hello!
Thank you for your response. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it is a tough one. In my view, I don't think he knows how you can help him, either. He sounds pretty messed up, if you don't mind me saying. I remember wanting to leave my ex, and being frustrated that I couldn't seem to do it. I felt like I hate to stick it out, for some reason. I felt like darned if I do, darned if I don't. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it were. Please don't forget to be patient with yourself, this is not easy. Feel free to write whatever you're comfortable with. We could even talk about other subjects. You mentioned you're a reader, have you read anything good lately?
Do you think that it's a good idea to set up an exit strategy, should you decide to leave?
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Thank you again for responding. I'm very busy at work and that is why its taking me so long to respond. I guess I am at the point now where I wish he would hit me, just one more time, because I think that would be the escuse I need to leave. But of course, he's being 100% super duper kind and sweet. Even took me to the mall to look at wedding rings. I haven't worn mine in about a year and a half when it broke in half.
What kind of exit strategy should I have? I am not sure what that entails. I do have an apartment that is furnished and ready for me to move into that I've been paying for six months, so its not like I will be destitute. I'm not patient with myself anymore! I'm angry and angry and angry for staying. Maybe I like living this way? That's what my mom and some of my friends tell me that I must like living this way.
Thank you for asking me about my reading, to keep me calm. I read all the time but mostly silly stuff like Jude Deveraux and Linda Lael Miller. Romance stuff. :)
If your Mom and friends are telling you you like living this way, it's because they have NO IDEA how this affects someone. Do not believe them, they just cannot understand. I can't recall or not if you have ever received counseling or contacted a DV center in your area, but they understand the cycle of abuse, and I'm assuming your family and friends don't.
At my appt Friday I received a financial planner as well as other info. It explains planning an exit strategy. Start hiding cash, possibly open PO Box or safe dep box with emergency items. Cash, family documents, or if you can open a seperate cc acct, have bill sent to po box, it goes on. Include family pics, jewelery, sentimental but small items an abuser might seek out to destroy. Call your local center, they'll have this book.
Please don't be angry with yourself, you are in a sense, trapped. Bset of luck to you! Keep us posted.
Hello, Flowergirl!
You're quite welcome. No explanations are required, post when you like! If I'm understanding you correctly, you feel that if he hit you again, that you would leave? I'm asking, so that I can understand what you're saying. He's being very nice now, it sounds like. I hate to say it, they do that. Unfortunately, they turn to their old ways sooner or later. I agree with the poster who was talking about the cycle of abuse. There's nice, then there's a tension period(walking on eggshells to avoid them being angry), and then they get mean and violent again.) My ex used to be super-nice at times,looking back, I can't believe it was the same person who was so mean and nasty. It seems that abuse is a pattern which repeats itself. In my ex's case, he'd been abused as a child. I think he really tried, but he ended up repeating an abusive pattern with me. His trouble was he claimed he couldn't help it. He didn't take responsibility for himself, he blamed his troubles on others. He wouldn't go to counseling to get his head straightened out. (To put it bluntly)
In terms of an exit strategy, I like the one which the previous poster had suggested. I didn't have an exit strategy myself, looking back, I wish I had. I basically just fled, and hid. My understanding is that you get a safe place lined up, contact someone whom you can call if things get nasty, and have a place to put your private info/possessions. I recommend visualizing what you'll do. I highly discourage you from telling him, prior to leaving. That would put you in alot of danger. I know it sounds cold, but you'll keep yourself safe.
It sounds like you have a place already, that's great! Please be patient with yourself, this is tough stuff. Please don't be angry with yourself, but use that energy to create the life that you want. From what I'm understanding, this situation doesn't seem to be what you want. I recommened visualizing the life that you want, after relaxing a bit. It doesn't sound to me that you like living this way, if you're angry about it. If someone lives in a tough situation, it doesn't necessarily mean that they like it, in my view. I know that I definitely did not. How do you feel when your family and some friends say that?
I'm glad to, I'm always eager to discuss books! I'm glad that it calms you. I remember that I used to read, and listen to music to calm myself. I found deep breaths helped as well. I'm reading a book called, A Purposeful Life, it's really profound, but it's not dry, if you know what I mean. Are romance novels your favorite?
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Pages