Yes its me again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Yes its me again
71
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm

Hello everyone,

I'm so sorry to continue to bother all of you, but I'm just very confused today.

My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good.

The day he got back, he was kind of crabby. He was upset my mom was at our home (watching our kids - he expected them to be at her hosue), he said that the kids said I went out every night (i didn't) and a few other accusing things.

Then I threw a big fit about how I felt "attacked" and that I was the one who was home for four days, toting the kids around (taekwondo, cub scouts, etc), I worked all day (I work full time) while he quit his job and went on a four day trip to Idaho and Oregon with his dad. I was mad!

He said he only went on the trip because he thought it would save our marriage. He said he wanted to do the "right thing" and help support his family, but that I keep telling him I need "space" and he thought this would help. And to be honest, I did encourage him to go on the trip, I just didn't encourage him to walk out on his job.

So then the next day it was like "invasion of the body snatchers." He changed 100% from being a jerk to "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you" and he's not getting upset with things that he used to.

So yes, he is walking around not getting mad at stuff he would have in the past. Most people would say this is nice but to me, its wierd, kind of eerie. When I said that to him, he just said that his ride "made him realize how much he loves me and if the world ended tomrorow, he would want me to know that"

So how do I know these are real changes and not because he wants to pacify me because he knows I want out of the marriage? How do I know this is because he wants to change and not because he's just feeling bad he no longer has a job and wants me to continue to support him? And why should I stay with him, even though he's changed, when I don't love him anymore?

I'm sorry for whining. Thank you for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:26pm

I think I am going to give up. We got into another argument this weekend and it escalated so he tossed hot coffee on me and burned me pretty bad. You should see the marks on my back. I don’t think they’ll scar but they sure hurt. Uhm.. I basically told him I didn’t want to be with him and he told me how I haven't even tried to make the marriage work and a lot of other really cruel things. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I would stay after what he said to me (so many horrible things that I can’t even write them I’m too embarrassed) but he did cry when he burned me and told me he was sorry. Eh.. I’m in need of serious psychological help I think. I think I'm going to quit posting because all I do is whine and yet I won't leave. Something is wrong with me. Thank you for always being there for me but honestly.. if I don't leave after that and I still feel sorry for him, what's it going to take? My aunt thinks I feel like I deserve it. Honestly, maybe I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 4:57pm

Hello!

Please don't feel badly, I still feel badly for my ex at times. I remember that I was frequently making excuses for him, and didn't tell people how bad I had it. I felt like if people knew how I had to live, the embarrassment would be too much.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I don't think you're whining, at all. Please don't feel pressured. I used to think that, about myself. What makes you feel like you deserve it?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 5:55pm

Because I don't leave. And because I know when I'm making him mad and I don't stop my mouth and shut up. Because he said such horrible things to me and then when he starts saying how I have everything because his mom is gone and I have my mom, he has nobody, I feel sorry for him.

That's why I think i deserve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:45am

We all get mad, it's not your fault he reacts the way he does, you have to believe that. I understand you feel bad cause he has nobody, but it's because of how he treats them. It's hard to leave when you're afraid of someone. You don't deserve it. I don't think you're whining either. You should feel proud of yourself for reaching out for support. We all understand what you're feeling. We want to keep hearing from you.

Lots of hugs!
Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:15am
Thank you. Thank you everyone for your support. I think I'm going to try and leave tonigth or tomorrow. I am actually scared. I'm not scared of my safety (how weird is that) but scared he'll be lonely and sad and the kids will end up hating me because he has taken over their emotions so throughly this last year. My 8 and 10 year old feel sorry for their dad and I see them acting like I acted towards my abusive father. Anyway, thanks everyone. I don't know if I'll go through with it but I'm going to try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:56am

You know what, I was afraid to leave my abuser. He knew I was leaving, but I was still afraid. When I first packed up a few things to get outta the house I was very scared. He didn't know I was taking a few things. We got in a huge fight the night before and I was so afraid that he would come home and smash all my stuff. I was scared to live alone, but now I am so happy I made the choices I did. I am free, I am more confident, I can do what I feel like and not worry about HIM for a change. It is wonderful.

"My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good."
*** You said this in your very first post. I really truly believe that you want this back. If you keep your mind to it, you can do it. If you want to be happy then you might need to go thru some hard times.. but you know what. It is so worth it!

Just like the quote "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain"

Keep Posting.. we are all here for you :)
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 4:09pm

Hello, Flowergirl!

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm hearing you say that you think you deserve abuse, partially because you feel that you make him mad. You seem upset with yourself, because you don't stop talking when he gets angry at you. Do you think that being quiet would make him happy? If so, would you be comfortable with that?

I can imagine that you'd feel sorry for him, because he says how his mom isn't here anymore. He says this after saying awful things to you.. How is the absence of his mother responsible for his actions?

What awful things does he say to you, if you're comfortable with sharing.

Are you tolerating a horrendous situation, in which you feel stuck? If so, does that mean that you deserve it?

For example, say I go to visit a relative. During the time of my visit, they are very nasty and mean to me. I stick it out, I don't want to be rude. Does that mean that I deserve their nasty treatment?

Would you like to go to your apartment and think about things a bit? If so, you needn't tell him what you're doing. You could always say that you're going to see your mom, or something. I'm sure she'll back you up.

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:35pm
Thank you for responding. I went to lunch today with my best friend who I have known since grade school. She cried when I told her the things that have gone on and then she got really angry with me. She does not understand why I am still in this situation. I don't either. I don't even really know what I'm afriad of. I am just lost, I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:29pm

Hello again,

I do think that if I would shut my mouth at times he would be happier. I dont know why I feel like I have to comment on everything. I just see him as so mentally abusive to me and our kids that I feel like I need to say something. Plus, I feel like if I egg him on and he hits me again that will be my reason to leave. Oh I know, I haven't left yet but I keep thinking if it gets worse I will leave. How sick am I?

I had a lunch date with my girlfriend yesterday. She and I grew up together and I caught her up on my life. I felt bad because at the end of our lunch, she was crying telling me that she doens't know how to help me and she was so angry with me for not leaving James. She said I need to leave for the kids, if I don't care about myself I should leave for the kids. How selfish did I feel when she said that. I would do anything for my kids yet I won't leave their father. My mom said (when I told her this) that everyone loves me but me. That I am the only one who doesn't care about my own safety, others care more about me than me. I don't know if that's true. If I thought the children were in physical danger, i would for sure leave but is hitting me is okay, I guess.

You asked about his mom. Well, the thing is that he always plays the "poor me" and when he talks aobut losing his mom, I feel sorry for him. He tells me all the time that he doesn't have a mother to hug and that he's all alone now in his life, that he has nobody. I feel sorry for him when he says that because my life is full with two mom's, two dads, grandparents, siblings... lots of friends and people to love. He is alone.

And no, you do not deserve the nasty treatment that your relatives dish out but I understand why someone would stay and take it. That's how I feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 6:12pm

Hi Flowergirl,

Your friend won't understand what is going on with you and your Husband. She has no idea what you go thru. She never will understand because she hasn't been in an abusive relationship. That is why this board is so great. I understand what you are going thru. I understand the cycle that you are dealing with day in and day out. I understand the guilt. I understand it all. It is all horrible!

I don't really understand why we stay in the situation for so long. That is something that always puzzles me about the victims in the relationship. I stayed for too long. I look back now and go WHY?? I am just glad I'm out of there.

Keep on posting on this board. If you decided to leave, you will feel it and you will leave. You won't do anything until you are ready.

Lauren

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