Yes its me again
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm |
Hello everyone,
I'm so sorry to continue to bother all of you, but I'm just very confused today.
My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good.
The day he got back, he was kind of crabby. He was upset my mom was at our home (watching our kids - he expected them to be at her hosue), he said that the kids said I went out every night (i didn't) and a few other accusing things.
Then I threw a big fit about how I felt "attacked" and that I was the one who was home for four days, toting the kids around (taekwondo, cub scouts, etc), I worked all day (I work full time) while he quit his job and went on a four day trip to Idaho and Oregon with his dad. I was mad!
He said he only went on the trip because he thought it would save our marriage. He said he wanted to do the "right thing" and help support his family, but that I keep telling him I need "space" and he thought this would help. And to be honest, I did encourage him to go on the trip, I just didn't encourage him to walk out on his job.
So then the next day it was like "invasion of the body snatchers." He changed 100% from being a jerk to "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you" and he's not getting upset with things that he used to.
So yes, he is walking around not getting mad at stuff he would have in the past. Most people would say this is nice but to me, its wierd, kind of eerie. When I said that to him, he just said that his ride "made him realize how much he loves me and if the world ended tomrorow, he would want me to know that"
So how do I know these are real changes and not because he wants to pacify me because he knows I want out of the marriage? How do I know this is because he wants to change and not because he's just feeling bad he no longer has a job and wants me to continue to support him? And why should I stay with him, even though he's changed, when I don't love him anymore?
I'm sorry for whining. Thank you for listening.

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Thank you. You are so right with everything you said. You all are the only ones who UNDERSTAND. My mom the other day said it again "you must just like drama" - no no no.. I hate drama. So thank you so much. Its wierd because I know what I need to do, I know how horrible things are.. I know, I just can't seem to break out of the feel sorry for him mode, you know?
So the last few mornings when I was going to work he's been all sweetie nice. "Oh, I'm so sorry I'm such a mess up. I should be in a better place, I am trying so hard to get a job..." things like that. Its very frustrating for me because this is why I feel so bad for him all the time.
Anyway, i just wanted to say think you for making me feel better. After lunch with her, I felt like a total loser.
I know what you mean about the "I'm sorry for him mode" My abuser was all.. I'm going to fall back into a big black hole, I will get involved with drugs again... yadda yadda. I did fall for it. I felt horrible. He begged and begged me to stay... but by that time after being treated like sh*t on my birthday, being called a wh*re, bitch, loser and everything else, hearing him say how much he hates me and always telling me to F off.. I had enough! he didn't love me like he said he did. If he loved me, he wouldn't have treated me like that.
You are not a loser!!! You are far from a loser, so don't think that.
Keep you chin up :o) You are getting stronger and stronger
Lauren
Hello, Flowergirl!
Thank you for your response. I apologize for my delayed response, I've been swomped at work, it interferes with my e-mailing/posting.
I wouldn't say you're sick. I'd say that you're dealing with an extremely difficult situation. I remember thinking the same thing, if I'm understanding you correctly. I didn't feel like I was being treated well, but I decided I needed something more to happen for me to leave. It did, and I left.
It sounds like your conversation with your friend was tough. I agree with the poster who said that people who haven't been in this situation really don't understand it. I'm of the opinion that you can't judge someone, unless you've been in their shoes. I hate to say it, but I don't think your friend understood the situation. On this board, we've all been there. I remember feeling alot of the same things that you've been describing. I would like you to know that I'm proud of you, I just have a few questions, if you feel like answering them:
How did you feel about your mom's comment?
If you don't mind me asking, what would make someone person feel when they stay, and take nasty treatment from relatives?
Regards,
Blessedgirl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello,
I just need to talk. I'm sorry.
Friday night started off bad because my H and I had a discussion about me staying late at work and I thought we agreed to me working until 6:00. Well needless to say at 6 he called me and was upset because I was late and I had told him I would leave at five and come to work over the weekend. That is not how I rememebered the conversation but nonetheless he was upset at me Friday.
So then Saturday he got mad at me because of our daughter. I don't remember what she was doing but I said something and he came all unglued about how I always take her side, never stick up for him, never defend him, etc. Oooohhhh yess.. I remember what happened.
My H and I were upstairs and when he came down our daughter was letting the dog in. She did it without permission which always upsets us both but I guess my H grabbed the dog and was towling him off (it was raining) and hurt the dog. I don't know, pulled his tail or something, and the dog whined and he pointed at our daughter saying "its her fault not yours" and poked her in the back so I guess it hurt her. When I came downstairs, she started to tell me what happened (whispering) and he became quite upset. He was like "you have taught her to go behind my back and tell you stuff underminding me" And I know its wrong for her to whisper to me, but he upset her.
But that's just the type of things he says to me. I don't know.. its so frustrating because I still feel sorry for him. I am sure he doesn't love me, he doesn't even love himself. I mean he tells me that he wants to be a team but I'm sure he doens't even know what a team is. You know waht I mean?
Anyway, thank you for listening. I'm so stressed out about money and I'm mad at him for not finding a job.
Oh yes.. on Sunday when I was at my mom's house he went through my work phone and quizzed me on who I was calling. I am so mad at myself for leaving the phone in his reach. i said "why are you going through my phone?" and he said "because I believe you're being sneaky and I think you're goign behind my back. But seriously, I hate it that I can't have anything without him going through it. Not that I have anything to hide, but its just demeaning.
Anyway, here's my question. How come everyone else seems to "have enough" and is able to move on and I haven't? Why do I continue to stay when I'm so unhappy and my children are being mentally abused? I don't understand.
Anyway, thank you again for listening.
Rose
Hi Rose, Welcome :o)
Seen your post and wanted to reply.
Here is the board website: http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
There is tons and tons of information on there.
I honestly don't know any way to help control the abuser from exploding. Abusers are walking time bombs, and anything can set them off. You might hear the term walking on egg shells a lot... it is so true.
Has he been physically abusive to you? Most emotionally/verbal? Just wondering what kind of danger you are in, considering you do have chilren with him.
Feel free to post as much as you like to. We are all here for you.
Lauren
My situation has mainly been verbal and emotional. But in the last couple of weeks things have escalated - he threw a drink at me (just the ice and liquid, not the glass), that same night there was a hole in our laundry room wall (he says he fell but I don't really believe that), this past weekend he flipped a solid wood coffee table and he literally shred the shirt and fleece vest he was wearing right off of his body trying to punctuate his point of view. He seems out of control to me and I am very anxious and concerned.
In the last couple of months he has been reflecting and has decided that life is passing him by. Two weeks ago he decided to leave - I was very upset and asked him to wait until after the holidays for the sake of our children. He agreed - but he was away for two days. As upset as I was that he left and refused to try and work on things, I felt surprisingly relieved that he was gone for those two days and that I might not ever have to have sex with him ever again. That has been our big issue. He has a very high libido. We have always had sex a couple times of week - but I will admit my heart wasn't in it and I didn't hide that. He has put me down for years about my body, my lack of seduction, my inhibitions, you name it. I have been made to feel extremely self conscious in bed. But to keep the peace I have been doing it. The big thing is he wants a much more exciting sex life and I do not want to do what he wants/insists on. He feels - I have it in me if I would just let my inhibitions go. Bottom line - I hate being with him, I know I do not love him and maybe being inhibited was the only way I could control the situation - you might be able to make me have sex with you but you certainly can't make me enjoy it. I don't know if that is true - that is just a guess.
I am sick of walking on eggshells all the time, I just want out. I am trying to make it seem that it is best for everyone that we split, that no matter what - I am not as sexual as he is and that is not likely to change. I do not crave it like he does. He sort of agrees. Right now we are moving towards splitting in the New Year but that is still a few weeks away and you could cut the tension with a knife at our home. His eyes are dark and solemn. I think he is worried about losing the girls - I know he loves them with his life. He blames me for things getting to this point in our relationship. We he started talking about splitting he kept emphazing that he hoped it could be very amicable and that we could still function as a family at times. I have been trying to remind him of that. I think I need to do a better job in order for him to better understand that that is a possibility. We have two very young daughters so I think he realizes it would be best for me to have primary custody with visitation for him. I should add - he is literally twice the size of me - no exageration. So when he throws a table - I cower. The girls haven't seen any of his tantrums but they do hear the rude way in which he speaks to me - he treats me like an idiot. I have been the major wage earner in our family for most of out married life (eight yrs). This year was the first one where he earned more than I did and he is likely to always do so now. Approx 4 yrs agao he hated his job so I encouraged him to make a switch which temporarily cost him half his salary. His has bounced back up and has started a second, more fulfilling career with great earning potential.. I do feel a bit that to him - I have outlasted my usefulness now that he makes more money. Honestly I don't care. I just want out. He decided to go to counselling on his own (despite me asking him to go together for years now) I too decided to go on my own. We had one session together with his counsellor but I didn't mention his tantrums. Not sure why I didn't. I am continuing with my counsellor and I am encouraging him to continue with his. If I find out he does have an appointment with her again, I would like to contact her to let her know what is going on at home so that she can see that this might not be the safest situation..... In the meantime I just need some coping strategies.
Sorry for the long rant - thanks again
Rose
I posted a new post for you.... so we don't hijack this one.
Lauren
Hello, Flowergirl!
I'm sorry to butt in here. If you don't mind me asking, when you think of leaving him,(if you do) how do you feel?
Hang in there, you're stronger than you think.
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
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