Yes its me again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Yes its me again
71
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm

Hello everyone,

I'm so sorry to continue to bother all of you, but I'm just very confused today.

My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good.

The day he got back, he was kind of crabby. He was upset my mom was at our home (watching our kids - he expected them to be at her hosue), he said that the kids said I went out every night (i didn't) and a few other accusing things.

Then I threw a big fit about how I felt "attacked" and that I was the one who was home for four days, toting the kids around (taekwondo, cub scouts, etc), I worked all day (I work full time) while he quit his job and went on a four day trip to Idaho and Oregon with his dad. I was mad!

He said he only went on the trip because he thought it would save our marriage. He said he wanted to do the "right thing" and help support his family, but that I keep telling him I need "space" and he thought this would help. And to be honest, I did encourage him to go on the trip, I just didn't encourage him to walk out on his job.

So then the next day it was like "invasion of the body snatchers." He changed 100% from being a jerk to "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you" and he's not getting upset with things that he used to.

So yes, he is walking around not getting mad at stuff he would have in the past. Most people would say this is nice but to me, its wierd, kind of eerie. When I said that to him, he just said that his ride "made him realize how much he loves me and if the world ended tomrorow, he would want me to know that"

So how do I know these are real changes and not because he wants to pacify me because he knows I want out of the marriage? How do I know this is because he wants to change and not because he's just feeling bad he no longer has a job and wants me to continue to support him? And why should I stay with him, even though he's changed, when I don't love him anymore?

I'm sorry for whining. Thank you for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 12:14pm

haha... now I'm butting in! Just Kidding

I just wanted to respond about:
"I feel guilty I think. I feel sad for him and sorry that he'll be alone and I will be happy."

I felt very guilty about my abuser. He made me think that after I left he would fall into a big black hole and get into drugs again. That really tore me in 2 different directions. I felt extremly guilty and it is very normal to feel guilty. I felt bad for him too. But you know what, he had to take care of himself. I had to move and take care of myself and only myself. I was allowed to be selfish and happy. I was allowed to go to the bar and dance with a guy and not feel guilty. I could wear what I want when I wanted and didn't have to think about HIS reaction or feelings. You need to think about YOURSELF here, and only yourself. Nobody is thinking about YOU, because your partner, I doubt thinks about you and your feelings. All abusers are selfish and only think about themselves. You are a wonderful person, you are putting him before yourself. That is great to have as a quality. The downfall about having that quality is that you forget to take care of youself... and that is the MOST IMPORTANT thing!!

Keep you chin up girl. Do what YOU want!
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 5:23pm

Hello, Flowergirl!

Thanks, you're very kind. I remember feeling sorry for my ex. I used to feel like if he was angry or sad, it was all my fault. If he was in a good mood, I felt like I finally did something right. I felt guilty if I were happy, and he was upset. I almost felt like how could I be happy, when my hubby is down in the dumps. What I didn't realize was, I couldn't help him with his problems. He was abused as a child, and had alot of issues. No matter how nice I was to him, it still would not have helped him. He didn't take responsibility for himself, not at all. I took him to four different psychologists, and it still did no good. I found the old joke to be true.."how many psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to really want to change." I couldn't do something for him, which he had to do for himself. I don't know if this describes your situation or not. If it does, I can totally relate.

If it doesn't describe your situation, this is tough stuff, you have alot to think about. Please go easy on yourself. You're stronger than you think. We all support here on the board. Did you have a good day today?

Best Regards,

Blessedgirl

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:06am
Thank you for responding to my post. I have another question for you. Do you still feel guilty for your abuser? When does that go away? My problem is that when I'm not with him, I feel strong. I KNOW I can leave but as soon as he's in front of me sad or angry, I don't feel like I can leave. Does that make any sense? How long will it take before I no longer care about his feelings and only care about mine?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:17am

Yes yes yes! You know exactly how I feel. Its nice to have people understand. Nobody else I am around understands. Of course they do not know the extent of the abuse (physical) that you do either, but they do know the mental.

I am becoming the happy person I used to be though. I love my new job and I have found that talking on this board is giving me the ok to be happy. Its wierd because I used to be such a happy person and the last few years its been like I've been spiraling downwards. I think I'm getting stronger. Obviously not strong enough to leave yet, but I see hope.

He went on a job interview yesterday (my H) and may get the job. I hope so because I'm so broke and haven't even paid the mortgage on the house for December and here it is almost the 15th of Jan which will put me two months behind. I'm very frightened about it but I just don't make enough money to pay our bills.

Anyway thank you again for letting me vent. I feel happy today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:54pm

Hello, Flowergirl:

Happy 2007! Thank you for your posting. I'm glad that you are feeling better. Feel free to vent, that's why we're here! I'm glad that you love your new job. What type of work do you do, if you don't mind me asking? As for me, I'm a paralegal, and I moonlight as a tutor. I have a law degree, and I'm planning on taking the bar exam.

I can imagine it would be alot of stress to be behind on the mortgage payments. The income doesn't always meet up with the bills, as it were. Things'll work out.

Everyday, you're getting stronger. Never lose hope, it is the anchor of the soul!

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 4:54pm

Do you still feel guilty for your abuser? When does that go away?
Nope I don't feel guilty AT ALL anymore! He is the only one in control of his life... HE is the only one that has the choice to do what he pleases. I had nothing to do with it, no matter how many times he blamed me. He is only hurting himself in the end. I heard from a friend that she seen my abuser around Christmas in a store with glazed over eyes that were all red. OH... I wonder if he had been smoking pot!... hmmmm. BINGO. He will never change, no matter how many times he told me he would. It is a waste of my time to feel guilty or feel bad for him anymore. I hope he rots in hell for what he did to me and his girlfriends before me. It did take me awhile to feel this way though, don't get me wrong. Yes, some days are bad still... but I have way way more good days!

My problem is that when I'm not with him, I feel strong. I KNOW I can leave but as soon as he's in front of me sad or angry, I don't feel like I can leave. Does that make any sense? How long will it take before I no longer care about his feelings and only care about mine?

Yes - It does make sense to me for sure. I still can see my abuser sitting on our bed crying his eyes out begging me to give him one more chance. I don't know how I did it, but I said I couldn't give him another chance. I gave him numerous chances to get better before the last time. You have gave him many many chances to get better and he keeps failing.... HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! HE DOESN'T DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE! He knows that you will give him another chance, that is why is he still the way he is... he knows that you won't end things. He knows how you work... He thinks that you aren't strong enough, but you need to prove him WRONG!!!!!!

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:40pm

Hello again and thank you for answering. I think I will forever feel sorry for my H. He's sooo lost.

The last few days he has been telling me how down he feels and like he does not want to go on. Almost suicidal. but then today he calls me (he finally got a new job and is supose to start on Monday) and he's like "I don't want this job, I'm going out today and I'm going to try to find a new job ASAP" and he seemed okay. Not happy but okay. Well maybe almost desperate because he didn't want this job.

Its just hard because I know i am short and rude with him and yet I still dont even like him. Last night I told him that I had made us a counseling appointment and he said "I don't know why, I know you want to go your own way and its over" and I said "because I think you and I need to deal with the arguing and miscommunication" but mostly, I want someone to tell him what a jerk he is to me. And he needs help for his depression.

Then he said "we need a pshycotherapist, not a counselor" because I guess he saw some show where this woman didn't want to have s*x with her husband and the pshychotherapist said for her to "just do it" and it would come back. But what he doesn't realize is that I will never want to do that with HIM again. I hate him for all the mean things he has said and done to me. And when he touches me, I want to vomit.

Anyway, I didn't even know how to respond to that comment. I know we're not supose to go to counseling with the abusers but that is the only way I can get him to go. And he needs to go, he's sooo depressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:46pm

I am very, very impressed with all you do. A paralegal, tutor and the bar exam. Its amazing to me that one person could do so much. I can barely work one job and deal with my children, I feel like a chicken with her neck chopped off all the time, trying to find the time to do all I need to do in a day.

I am in Human Resources. I love it. My new job is amazing. I feel so much better here than I did at my last job. The girl I sat next to there was the girl that my H had the affair with.

I dont know what I would do without you and this board. You give me so much strength. When we were talking the other day, I told him that he talks to me like I'm dumb or he's annoyed at me for asking a question and his comment was that "I misunderstand him so much, he needs to make his comments clear to me." and then I said "just talk to me like you're talking to your dad or a freind" and he then told me that I don't know how he talks to his dad or friends because i'm never around.

His latest thing with me is the "family first" slogan, have I told you about that? He makes me feel bad when I have to work a weekend or stay late at work. he does not undersand that we are going to lose our home because I cannot afford the payments. He acts like I am at work all the time because I don't want to be with my children. That is not the case. Its hurtful and mean.

He called me yesterday and told me that he needed some items from the store to make tacos. I wrote down what he told me and stopped on my way home. I got off at 5:00 and was home by 6:00. Normally I'm home by 5:30 so it took an extra half hour.

Well when I got home he immediatley started yelling at me for being late. then he said that he had offered to go to the store so I would not have to stop but I said I could do it and he figured that meant it would be quick or I would get off a little early to go. I never implied either thing.

Well when I got hoeme, I didn't have the cheese and he was pissed. He stormed out of the house and went and got the cheese, the whole night he was pissed because I never go out of my way for anyone unless I get something in return.

Its just frustrating. Thanks again for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:01pm

Here is a link for you to check out on Early Warning Signs. I have seen a few in your post that are on this list.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&x=y

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:57pm
thank you for the links, I read them both. I also read that book and then my H found it and read it. He told me that book was stereotyping and not accurate to him at all. Are you saying that a counselor will not be able to pick up on the emotional and physical abuse if we go together? Thank you again for responding.

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