Yes its me again
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:17pm |
Hello everyone,
I'm so sorry to continue to bother all of you, but I'm just very confused today.
My H went away on a motorcycle trip. He was gone for four days. During those four days, my life was wonderful. I was happy, the kids were happy and life was good.
The day he got back, he was kind of crabby. He was upset my mom was at our home (watching our kids - he expected them to be at her hosue), he said that the kids said I went out every night (i didn't) and a few other accusing things.
Then I threw a big fit about how I felt "attacked" and that I was the one who was home for four days, toting the kids around (taekwondo, cub scouts, etc), I worked all day (I work full time) while he quit his job and went on a four day trip to Idaho and Oregon with his dad. I was mad!
He said he only went on the trip because he thought it would save our marriage. He said he wanted to do the "right thing" and help support his family, but that I keep telling him I need "space" and he thought this would help. And to be honest, I did encourage him to go on the trip, I just didn't encourage him to walk out on his job.
So then the next day it was like "invasion of the body snatchers." He changed 100% from being a jerk to "I love you so much. I couldn't imagine my life without you" and he's not getting upset with things that he used to.
So yes, he is walking around not getting mad at stuff he would have in the past. Most people would say this is nice but to me, its wierd, kind of eerie. When I said that to him, he just said that his ride "made him realize how much he loves me and if the world ended tomrorow, he would want me to know that"
So how do I know these are real changes and not because he wants to pacify me because he knows I want out of the marriage? How do I know this is because he wants to change and not because he's just feeling bad he no longer has a job and wants me to continue to support him? And why should I stay with him, even though he's changed, when I don't love him anymore?
I'm sorry for whining. Thank you for listening.

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Hello, Flowergirl!
Thanks for your e-mail, and the compliments. I'm glad that we on the board have been helpful. We've all been there.
Wow! It seems like he's saying he talks to you like you're dumb, because you won't understand otherwise? If that's what he's saying, that doesn't seem too cool. It doesn't seem like he's taking responsibility for his words, if you don't mind me saying. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Then, it seemed like you were trying to provide examples of what type of communication style he should have with you, such as his dad or friends. He then says how you're not around... It seems to me that he has a way of deflecting responsibility.
I hadn't heard of the "family first" slogan.. that's something else. It seems like he doesn't understand what it takes to keep things going financially. I'm wondering if he doesn't want you at work so much, because he's jealous? I dunno. My ex used to give me that kind of stuff all of the time. I was in law school, and worked three jobs.(I don't know how I did that). Anyway,he bitterly complained about how I wasn't home much. Atleast in my relationship, I think he was jealous that I was doing so much. He didn't really have definite career path, I loved going to law school.
I can imagine that you'd be frustrated! My understanding is that he's unemployed..I'm wondering why he doesn't go shopping..I'm thinking that you'd worked all day, and he's home. The household things he could do. (Please don't mind my two-cents.) It seems unreasonable that he'd expect you to go to the store, and not be later coming home. He's saying that by you're agreeing to go, that it wouldn't take long, or you'd leave work early? I can imagine that you hadn't implied either, people usually don't. They simply stop on their way home. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he expects you home by 5:30, no matter what happens. I'm wondering why?
He was storming around because of cheese? That's a tough one to understand... Then, he says that you don't go out of your way for anyone...yikes! It seems like he's reads alot into things. The fact that he's storming around about such a minor issue concerns me.
You're not along..my ex used to do things like that. He'd call me up at law school, and ask me to pick up things on my way home. There was always some problem. Either I didn't get the right thing, or I was home too late. Atleast in my case, I think it was a control thing.
I'm happy to listen, anytime! Have an excellent morning!
Best Regards,
Blessedgirl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello,
I am sorry I have not written in a while. So much has happened. I moved out of my apartment due to the lease being over and I am out of money and I am so i am sad that its gone. It was hard to move everything into storage. I feel sad I had the place for nine months and never had the courage to leave.
I think you are right. My H is jelouse because I have a great job. Friday night I got chewed out for over four hours. It finally stopped when he came after me, I ran and fell skinning my knee, because I thought he was going to hit me. He went up to his room and went to bed saying "I won't ever hit you again" but I was sure he was going to. Part of his tirade is that he has "stepped back and let me succeed in life" and so I am doing well but he has never had anyone help him succeed. That his whole life has been about me and what i need and he is always forgotten.
Anyway, to say nothing has changed is pretty much the honest way. Except the counseling, which I posted in a separate thread. I am still lost.
Thank you again for everything.
Hello, Flowergirl!
No problem, write when you're free. I'm sorry for my delayed response, this week has been very hectic.
The losing your apartment sounds like a bummer. You might feel like it was your only out, but it isn't. I'd venture to say that you have several options of places to stay, should you decide to go. You may want to think of where you'd be comfortable. As someone looking back on my own life, I can say that this is one toughest experiences someone can have. Please don't beat yourself up over it.
I'm also sorry to hear about your husband's chewing you out. I don't understand him...he seems to be mad that you are successful..shouldn't he want that? When he says that his life if all about you, I can't say that I agree with that. It seems to me that you've done alot to help him. Honestly, I don't think that you could have done anything more for him. I thought that you were overwhelmingly supportive of his efforts to get a career. When he says that no one has ever helped him succeed, to me it seems like he's having a pity party, if you don't mind me saying. It seems that he expects people to give him success, as it were.
When you say that you skinned your knees to run away from him, because you feared him hitting you, I know what that's like. I used to run away from my ex alot. It was so bad for awhile that I felt like I had to keep moving...I felt like if I sat down, or stood in one place for too long, he'd get me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He also told me that he'd never hit me, but I had an instinct that he would. When you say that you felt like he was going to hit you, I know what you mean.
If you feel lost, you're not alone. I remember that feeling, I used to feel like I didn't know which end was up. If you're lost, you can find it again. If I can, anyone can. I think it's natural to feel lost in this type of situation. I felt like my ex was going to hit me, I didn't want to be with him anymore. Then, part of me felt guilty that I didn't want to be with him, because I was married to him. I also felt wierdly responsible for him, like if he felt a lack of support, it was all of my fault. My problem was I didn't realize that my ex didn't help himself.
What do you think?
Thank you for everything! This one day I was having a lousy day, and you sent me a post saying how cool I was for being a paralegal, tutor, etc. It really made my day.
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello Blessed,
Thank you for writing. I meant what I said, I'm so impressed that you left your abuser and for all you've acomplished. Its very very impressive.
I feel so lost without the apartment. It was my safe haven. My H is thinking of going back to flight school, this time in Florida. He wants to hurry and sell our home so he can go. I am excited but I'm sure its just another fly by the seat of his pants decision in which he will not do. The good part for me is that if he left for FL, I would not go with him.
I do have places to go and people to stay with. The hard part would be for the kids, and commuting them to school. Plus, they would miss their home, I know.
I am not going to make any decisions right now. I just feel lost. I also think he's drinking before I get home from work now and that totally scares me. He smells like beer but I can't find any cans or proof. So I think he's hididng it from me. That totally freaks me out.
So thank you for responding. I just like knowing I'm not alone.
I'm sorry about the apt! A place w/o them is definitely a safe haven. Hang in there. I'm here w/ my kids too, looking for a place for 7. H could be back in a few weeks, it would temporarily destroy me.
We CAN do this! We deserve this, all of us! Slow down if you have to. You don't need to do it all at once.
Take care of you!
Carrie
Hello!
I'm a little on the run right now, I'll be sure to write more later...you've never alone! I know what it's like, when you suspect them of drinking. My ex used to mix the booze with gatorade.
Have a nice weekend!
Blessed Girl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello, Flowergirl!
I'm finally getting back to you, my apologies. The past few weeks have been very hectic. All of us on the board have been there as well, we're here for you. Thanks for the compliment! It really helped me, I've been a bit bummed because I was forced to resign from my job more or less. I was able to get a temp job for now. THe funny thing is, I think they did me a favor. I really don't miss the place. Also, my old job said they'd like to hire me back. I really enjoyed working there. It's amazing to me how things can turn around in life.
I can imagine you'd be bummed about the apartment. We all want a safe haven of some kind, I'm sure. You may find that something else presents itself as a safe haven of sorts. I know for me, that kind of thing has happened.
It's good to know that you'd have places to stay. You sound like a popular gal. With whom would you prefer to stay? I can imagine that it'd be hard commuting, for the kids, and they'd miss their home. However, you might be surprised that they may like a new home, and the commuting could be worked out. In fact, it might help them.
If you don't mind me asking, what makes you think that he's drinking? I know that his smelling like beer is a big one. My ex used to conceal his drinking, it took me the longest time to figure out what he was doing. One tip off was he used to drink while playing video games. If I came up to him, he'd seem kind of protective of the glass. He used to mix the booze with gatorade, to lessen the smell. I kind of concluded that later on.
The whole thing about the school in Florida, I agree, I think he might change his mind. (Hopefully, I'm understanding correctly what you're saying. Please let me know if I'm not)If you don't mind me saying, he seems to change his mind alot.
How are you feeling lost? When you say making decisions, what kind are you speaking of?
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello Flowergirl!
I wanted to check in with you to see how things are going. We on the board would like to hear from you. I hope you're having a great day!
Best Regards,
Blessedgirl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello and thank you for asking about me. I haven't been visiting the board because I think I'm feeling like I'm in this mess and I'll never get out.
Let me catch you up. We are still going to counseling but of course the counselor doesn't know much about our past. He is focusing on us realizing that the other person is their own person and we cannot control them. I do get that, its my H that does not. Anyway, everytime we leave my H says "that was dumb" and cannot handle if the counselor takes my side on anything. he seems to enjoy his alone time with the counselor but seriously doesn't approve of anything the counselor says when I'm there.
We are in the same situation as always. Meaning he constantly complains and bitches at me and doesn't get it that I don't like to be told constantly that I'm doing this wrong or that wrong or putting my job before my family.
For example, I had to come back to work last night because we put on a dinner for our night shift and I had done the major preparations. At 9:00 he called me (I told him I would be home at 9:30) and started in on me how "the kids would not go to bed when I wasn't home" and "why did I have to go back when someone else could do my job" and "when he was at his last job and something happened like this they handled it this way..."
I listened to him for a few minutes, told him I was on my way home (I had just been getting ready to leave) and he hung up on me. When I got home, he was asleep with our daughter so I went and got into my pajamas and while I was changing he came in and accused me of "changing to get rid of the evidence" meaning I had been with another guy.
So then for the next two hours he followed me upstairs, downstairs and around the house, telling me I do this wrong and that wrong. I finally snapped and told him that he's making me hate him and the more he finds wrong with me, the more I will hate him. I told him that he is disrespectful and rude and I would never talk to him the way he talks to me. I was shaking I was so mad.
Of course he hasn't hit me in about six months and so I'm feeling brave now, feeling like he truly won't hit me anymore. He just went to sleep when I stormed out of our room and I slept on the couch.
This morning and today I have not talked to him. The problem is that I know for a fact that I do not love him. I pity him but I think I almost do hate him. I don't care if I don't do this or that right for him. I don't care if he's unhappy with me, I kind of just wish he would leave me. Where are all the women who want to seduce my husband into leaving me?? hahahahaha Am I the only woman who is jelouse when other when say their husbands walked out on them? probably.
Anyway, he's working but part time now and its just not enough to pay the bills. He whines because he's stuck in a dead end job and makes only $9 an hour. He whines because he's a loser and its all my fault. My goodness!
Thanks for asking. Sorry for overwhelming you!
Hello!
No worries, you're not overwhelming me. You're always welcome here on the board, we understand what you're going through. If I may ask, what makes you feel that you're in this mess, and can never get out? Life is a long time,many things can change. You have more the power to create the life that you want.
I went to counseling with my ex, too. He also seemed to enjoy talking over his issues(i.e. stuff that he felt like he wanted to discuss) with the counselor. However, anything involving out relationship he seemed to feel that the counselor took my side.
How would you feel about telling the counselor privately? Would your comfortable with that? If your H asks why, maybe you can say it's Ladies' stuff. Something like that. Or, you could explain to the counselor that you don't think that you're H would be comfortable with you getting private counseling. (I'm assuming that your H wouldn't like it,maybe I'm wrong)
It's tough to be in a situation where you're constantly being criticized and accused of things. The example you're giving sounds pretty tough to take. It sounds like you had to do something extra at your job, and he thought that you were messing around. Man, that's tough. How do you feel when he does that? For me, my ex used to accuse me of messing around, practically constantly. There is no way I was. I remember thinking..he must think that every guy wants me, where does he get this stuff? It would be the most outlandish things you can imagine, and he'd make an affair out of it.
I glad to hear that he hasn't hit you for six months. I'm sorry to say,I'm 100% sure that he will again. If they've hit you once, they tend to repeat. I don't like telling you that, but I've got to be honest with you.
I can imagine that you wouldn't be speaking to him yet, after all of that. You've sound that you don't love him anymore, do you know why you pity him? You kind of wish that he'd leave, and your jealous of women whose husbands' have left. He sounds like he doesn't take responsibility for himself, am I right? I'm wondering why he's blaming you for his dead-end job...It seems like you've done everything you can to be supportive of him. I honestly don't know what he wants from you. He doesn't earn much,so you've got to be the primary breadwinner. Yet, he hassles you when you've got to do things for your job, but he doesn't try to improve himself to get a better job. My goodness is right! I don't know how you deal with all of this.
Have you done any summer time reading?
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
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