you deserve better

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
you deserve better
2
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:05pm

I've been reading the posts and replys not only here but on other forums. so many women, so many chldren whose lives are full of uncertainty and fear. They deserve better everyone does I hope this helps you find it. So many seem to think staying may be better or that by leaving they have failed well you haven't.

By leaving you do not tell your children that nothing is worth fighting for. You tell them that they are worth fighting for. You tell them that you are worth fighting for. You tell them that your futures are worth fighting for. That is why you need to leave. Will it be easy no. Leaving is never easy and it usually gets harder before it gets easier. But it will get easier. There is help keep looking. Take one step at a time and every time you think it would be easier and better to go back think of these things:

an abusive episode is NEVER an isolated event

abuse tends to increase and and become more violent over time

40- 60% of men who abuse women abuse children -it will get worse for them and you

boys of abusive families are 3X more likely to grow up to be abusers

35% of women in an abusive relationship witnessed their mother being abused

The reasons for going back and not being able to make it are words he's put in your head over the years. It's like a bad recording replace it with a better one.

You and your children are worth it

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:11pm
I agree with you 100%--We do deserve better! Thank you for your thoughtful post. My situation is this. I can't see moving into a shelter or a project as a positive thing for me and my kids at the moment. I know staying with him is wrong, but I really do not want to see my kids in a project getting beat up on every day by other kids, etc. Where we are believe it or not is safer than if we go to a project. I have no job, no family to take me in and the kids in. I did not marry a rich man. People say how they just can't understand why we stay in situations like this. Well that is why some people do. Getting out would be MORE of a struggle than staying in as I see it. My h is verbally abusive and yes, it's hard. It would be totally different if I had someone to run to, or if I knew I was going to get more money out of the deal. But I know my situation, and that is just not the case. We live in a nice neighborhood where the kids have many friends. I just can't see pulling them out of a nice neighborhood and sticking them in an environment that they have no clue about. I can't afford this house on my own, I can't even find a job at the moment! I feel if I had the support of my family it would make things alot easier, but I just don't have that luxury right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 10:16pm
you say staying with him is wrong so you have already thought about better alternatives. so build towards that. start putting away money, looking for jobs, collect evidence against him, go to a crisis center for support and legal advice (usually free). i'm not saying this is easy or that your standard of living won't change for awhile but it also doesn't mean that you have to end up in the projects or a shelter. i know help from friends and family makes all of it easier, is there anyone you can turn to? there maybe someone who you least expect will help. let those around you know of your troubles maybe they don't realize. it's so easy to keep the pain to ourselves.

take care