Younger sister already being abused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Younger sister already being abused?
2
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:54pm
Hi all! I'm new to the iVillage message boards, and I'd like to see if I can get all of your input on a problem.

I'm 21 years old, living with my partner, who I've been in a committed relationship with for the last 3 years and going strong. My younger sister (17 this month) and I (2 of 3 siblings) have both removed ourselves from a verbally and emotionally abusive household, where the abuser was my father. Through the support of my partner and my own drive for independence and healing, I've gotten past it, but I think my sister is getting into troublesome habits.

My sister and her boyfriend have been dating on and off for at least 2 years, in which time my entire family has become convinced that he's no good for her. She was sneaking out of my father's home to be with him, having sex and taking pictures with him in her room, to say the least of her side of it. He doesn't let her hang out with her girlfriends too much, and doesn't want her to have any guy friends at all. She told me he once got so mad he put his hands around her neck and started choking her, at which point she ended it, and about six months ago he broke her phone by throwing it against a wall and shattering it. He still hasn't paid for it, neither has his father (he promised).

It seems like when she's really into him, too, she loses sight of all of her goals and everything she used to be so excited about, and he's always suspicious of her. She recently ran into a bad situation and decided to rid herself of the people she was around, including him, even dropping out of school and planning to get her GED so she could still go to college. She wanted to start over fresh and do what she wanted, which wasn't so bad because she was motivated. I even offered to pay her for cleaning my mom's house so she can pay her own cellphone bill (she's very independent and stubborn) and so she can get her GED faster. She accepted, and was doing great at first, and was so excited.

Now, less than three weeks later, the boyfriend is back in her life, and she's once again seemed to lose sight of her goals. She isn't looking for a job anymore (I'm convinced of this... no newspapers anywhere, they used to be EVERYWHERE), she doesn't clean house anymore, doesn't seem to care about getting her GED, and has been spending every free moment at the boyfriend's house. My mother and I have decided to intervene, even threatening arresting him for contributing to delinquency or statutory rape (he's over 18). But because my mother leaves for work very early in the morning and doesn't get home until almost 9pm, it's hard to keep tabs on her at all, since her cellphone is still broken.

How can we get my sister to realize for herself the type of relationship she's gotten herself into? She's very stubborn and doesn't like to be told what's good for her, and as a hint I even sent her the list of warning signs of abouse I found on the iVillage site. She shrugged them off, saying her boyfriend had "changed." I don't believe it at all, because one time he called her cellphone twice when she was out to dinner with my mom and I, just trying to find out why she wasn't at home. How can we open her eyes? How can we protect her from this relationship, short of having the boyfriend arrested? I don't want to see her get into a pattern of choosing abusive men, because it seems that from my dad she went to him and that type of man is all she knows...

Please help,

Scared for my Sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 12:30pm

Hi Serena, and welcome -


You and your mom are in a really bad situation.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 1:40pm

It's hard to be on the outside looking at what you KNOW is an explosive situation.

Photobucket