What am I going to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-1999
What am I going to do?
6
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 11:33pm

Everything - everything!!! is a problem with DH. Nothing I say is right. He gets mad at me for no reason. I can't ask him to do a SINGLE thing without him getting mad. Then he holds it against me and attacks me at every turn. We had a great talk this weekend. I thought we had reconciled a lot of things... then today, he threw something back in my face that we had (or so I thought) worked through! It's like he WANTS to fight with me...

but then he does the whole martyr thing, "Why does everything have to be a fight?"

Because he MAKES it a fight!

I don't know how much more I can take. I am tired of his anger. I'm tired of his hatred and venom being spewed at me every time he doesn't get his way.

Today he accused me of being angry that he had money in his wallet. WHAT?!?! That came from NO WHERE. I never said a single thing about him having money! I knew he had cash from a small bonus he got at Christmas time. I was glad he had it. I thought it was good for him to have some cash in his wallet. He never gets to have cash. Then today I asked him if he could put $20 in the bank because he had gone out to lunch and spent some of the money in the bank that I'd been saving to get my car fixed. I didn't have enough, so I asked him if he could put $20 in there. HE FLIPPED out at me. That's when he said I hate the fact that he has cash. What?!?!

I am just about done.

I don't know what to do. I can't even stay out of his way, because he seeks me out to fight with me. He hates me. I know he does.


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 2:35pm

Ryswife1,

Has this been going on for a long time? Have you discussed having an intermediate help you with this, be it a counselor or your pastor?

To me it sounds like there is some underlying anger going on. A lot of fights with couples start because of lack of money. Maybe he is feeling bad that he has cash while you are saving money to fix your car, and wants to have cash, but feels guilty he didn't give it to you for your car. It can be a vicious circle.

I know right now my husband is feeling bad because he can't work due to his diabetes, surgery and blindness in one eye. His temporary disability has run out, so I work a few side jobs to bring in extra income. The stress also does not help with his diabetes.

We sat down and talked about the issues and I reminded him I support him no matter what happens and that we will keep fighting for him to get disability no matter how long it takes and I will keep working extra hours to make up the loss. He supported me when I was home pregnant or taking care of the kids, now I feel it is my turn.

So see if it is all money related, and not some other issue.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-11-1999
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 5:38pm

First let me give you a {{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}!  I don't think Dh hates you...I think there is something going on inside of him.  I will be praying for him to come to terms with whatever is bothering him.  You are one of the most nurturing women I know...you are always putting your family first and thinking of others.  I will be praying for you as well...hang on to God's promises...you are loved, cherished, celebrated, chosen and created!! 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-1999
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 12:34pm

Thank you Angie. It just seems like it's never going to stop. Every year of the 15 we've been married has gotten worse. I always thought it would get better, but the longer we're married, the more resentful he gets. The more angry he gets. The more withdrawn he gets.

He meets with our pastor (some)Saturday mornings. It's supposed to be a weekly thing, but he's had to cancel more times than not, due to scheduling his work stuff on Saturday. He shared with me that he's been praying every morning as Pastor's request. That's a huge step fo DH. I want so badly to believe that he's trying to grow, but I just don't see any evidence of it. I realize that whether or not he grows is not supposed to be my concern. That's between him and God. I just wish there was a way that I could be unaffected while he works that all out. I know, ridiculous. Unrealistic. I know.

He told me (during a lull in the fighting) a couple weeks ago that he loves me more now than he did when we got married. I literally shook my head in disbelief (he told me via email - he didn't see my reaction). I just can't fathom how. All he ever says to me is how miserable I make him; how I've stolen his joy; how I've taken away everything he ever found any happiness in... how can he love a person who does that to him?

I don't know. I come here to vent, you know that. I don't have many IRL friends - not for lack of trying. I don't have anybody to talk to, and I'm a verbal processor. I have to talk (or type, I guess lol) things out to get to the root and figure out what to do. It's real hard for me when I have to go weeks and sometimes months without talking things through. Thank you for always being here, even though most of my posting is negative. I don't know what I'd do without being able to come here and feel safe. :)


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-1999
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 6:58pm

Ok, so what do you make of this:

(background) We've always had an issue with DH keeping his word. He has even admitted to agreeing to things to shut me up with no intention of doing them. I've explained how that affects our trust, etc. During a meeting with out Pastor about 2 years ago (that's when he admitted it), he agreed to stop doing it. Pastor explained to him how that undermines the trust I have for him, etc. He hasn't stuck to that agreement, either. He doesn't have an answer when I try to ask him why. He hasn't admitted it since.

(Ok, now to my current question) We've had a back and forth tug-o-war over his dog. He wants her to be an indoor dog. We tried having her in, but our youngest son and I are both allergic to her. We put her out. DH got mad at me and told me that since I won't let her in, I've "rendered her useless" to him and I should just get rid of her. I'm not falling into that trap - if I got rid of her, he'd be resentful of that. After about 2 months of DH hardly speaking to me because of it, I decided we'd just suck it up, DS and I would take allergy pills every day, and we'd let her in the house. While DH was at work, I bought her a bed, a chew bone, a toy; bathed her, and installed a doggie door so she could come in and out. I took down the dog run she was in because DH didn't want her in the dog run. The only thing I asked in return was for him to clean up her poop each morning, because the reason I installed the dog run in the first place was to keep her from pooping in the grass. He agreed. He hasn't been doing it. He also agreed that, since the gardener comes on Tuesday AM before I get up, that he'd be responsible for cleaning up the poop before the gardener got here, and he'd put her in kennel so she wouldn't bother the gardener. He did that part of it one time. Yesterday I got up hearing the gardener, and checked out side - there was dog poop all over the grass and the dog was roaming free, barking at the gardener. I jumped out of bed, in my pajamas, grabbed DS (my 11 y/o) and had him run outside in his pajamas and pick up the poop real quick while the gardener waited, and in the meantime, I corralled the dog and got her in the kennel. DH was already gone for work. I was FUMING at DH. I wanted to call him at work and chew him out, but I didn't say anything to him. When he got home, I calmly explained to him how my morning started, and he immediately got mad. He started saying that there's no reason he should have to pick up the poop, that one of the kids could do it, etc. I finally got him to understand that it was more than just making sure it got done; I wanted HIM (DH) to have some sort of connection with the goings on of our household. I appreciate that he works to support us, and that's great, but I would like to see him do SOMETHING to connect him to us and to the family, and to how we run the household. He calmed down, and said he understood. I told him that, if he has to leave for work and forgets or doesn't have time to get the poop, just call or leave a note and let me know. I don't mind covering for him sometimes, but I want to see that he at least has the intention of doing what he said he'd do. He agreed.

This morning, I go outside to take out the trash, and there's dog poop all over the lawn. I felt like somebody lit a fuse at my feet and it instantly burned to my head. I wanted to explode. He KNEW and he AGREED that if he didn't have time, to CALL ME and let me know, so we could take care of it for him. He blew me off - again. I haven't seen him yet today, but I really don't know what to do or say when I do.

Part of me says to forget about it, and part of me says to hold him accountable for what he said he would do.

This man is going to be the death of me.  


 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-11-1999
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 4:49pm
Oh my goodness I could have written your previous post. I really don't know how men are involved in the conversation, agree and somehow totally forget all about it. But then again, I guess it is just one of those ways that we are created differently. I could also relate to needing to talk/type/write things to work through them. I am so glad you feel safe here! How was the rest of your week? How is your weekend going? {{{{Hugs my friend}}}

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-1999
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 4:26pm

I'm not doing well at all. I just feel done with everything. I always thought being able to disconnect and let go would feel good; liberating; but it doesn't. I feel depressed, isolated and completely indifferent about most things. I just want out. I've spent the past 21 years of my life devoted to raising kids and it's left me completely unable to support myself financially. If it wasn't for that, I'd be outta here.