getting husband to help with child

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2005
getting husband to help with child
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 7:35pm

I am a SAHM so I understand that most of the time I'm going to have my daughter and that's fine, but how do you get your your husband to share in taking care of your child when he's home from work and on the weekends? I never get to go anywhere without my daughter, if I go visit a friend I take my daughter, if I go to the store I take my daughter. It's fine most of the time, but I too would like to have time alone by myself or time alone with my girlfriends. My husband works 10 hour days 4 days a week, he's also a volunteer fire fighter. On the days that he's off he's usually gone on a call or sitting on the couch "relaxing". It frustrates me because I would like a break once in a while. When I do go to try to do something by myself and I ask him to watch our daughter for a few hours(Like if I want to get my haircut or something) he'll say "why don't you get my mom or your mom to watch her"? It angers me that he can't take care of his own child by himself.

As we speak he's gone paintballing with his friends and I'm at home taking care of our daughter. He's been gone since 9 this morning and said that he didn't know what time he'd be home tonight. I can understand if he was working or something like that, but when you are hanging out with your friends, the time you leave is in your control. I just wish for once he would be a man and act like he is married with a child(with another on the way!)

We've had this conversation so many times it makes me sick. Last summer he was a full time student, a part time worker, a volunteer fire fighter and an assistant coach for his best friend's son baseball team. He was everywhere but home with us. When I brought it up he got all mad and yelled "FINE i'll just QUIT the fire dept and the softball team" and that's not exactly what I wanted, I just wanted him to relize that we want him home too and that when he's home I want his attention to be on his daughter and not in front of the tv or on the computer trying to "relax" because he was never home. How should I go about this conversation without sounding like a nag, or is it just a lost cause and I just need to suck it up?

I'm trying to remain peaceful about this whole thing, and not get too angry so that I blow up when he finally gets home, but I feel like i have a right to be angry. I don't want to be a pushover! I feel like satan though is trying to make me angry and cause more problems in my marriage. What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 4:23pm

When I do go to try to do something by myself and I ask him to watch our daughter for a few hours(Like if I want to get my haircut or something) he'll say "why don't you get my mom or your mom to watch her"?

Maybe part of it is that you ASK him to watch his own daughter? Because you're asking him you're giving him the option of saying no. How about you just say to him, "I'm going to get my hair cut, I'll be back in two hours, don't forget to put DD down for her nap at *timehere*", and kiss him, plop the girl on his lap, and walk out the door.

Or, when he says why don't you get your mom or his mom to watch her say to him "because you're here and DD needs some daddy time".

A lot of men just sort of don't know how to deal with young children, especially babies. They feel incompitent and like they're going to screw up and hurt their child. Then top that with far too many women criticizing HOW they DO deal with their young child. She'll say things like "feed her this way...." or "you're doing that wrong, do it like this...." or "he doesn't like that do this instead..." or "why'd you do this, you shouldn't you should do this...". Basically every time he does do something she's there telling him how he's doing it wrong, incomplete, or stupid. It makes them stop trying. Loads of compliments and encouragement and (albeit exaggerated at first) praise goes a long way in getting what you need out of your man.

I say you set up a lunch on the weekend when he's home with one of your girlfriends. Make sure to kiss your hubby on your way out and tell him you know he'll be fine with her because he's a fantastic loving daddy, that DD is so lucky to start building this bond with him. That you'll be back before 3pm and that you love him. Then go. When you get back give him a big ol' sloppy smootch and thank him for being such a wonderful hubby.

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