had premarital sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
had premarital sex
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:20pm

I'm really having a rough time right now. I've been with my fiance for three years (engaged for 8 months) and we're both born again Christians. We had said from the beginning that we wanted to wait until we got married to have sex. Well the more time we've been together the harder it got. A couple months ago I started getting away from God in my praying and devotions. Not intentionally it just sort of happened. Around that time I really started wanting to have sex with my fiance. I am so in love with him and started saying well it's not so bad...God will forgive me (which of course He always does when we come to Him for repentance but we are not to use that as an excuse)...we're engaged and going to be married, isn't that close enough...and the excuses went on and on. I talked to my fiance about it and he said he really thought we should wait so we agreed. This past weekend it wasn't planned but we started having sex. Neither one of us were thinking and just wrapped up in the moment. After about a minute we realized what we were doing and stopped immediately. I bust into tears because I had sinned against my Lord and Saviour and I left everyone that trusts me down. We were both feeling so guilty and prayed together asking for forgiveness and promised ourselves it wouldn't happen again. Now I'm still wrestling with the guilt and disappointment in myself. I feel like I'm alone...like we're the only Christian couple that has done this. I'm worried I might get pregnant even though he didn't orgasm and I'm on birth control (for PCOS). I'm saddened that our first time won't be on our wedding night and feel like our bed will be tainted and not pure. How do I overcome this? Has anyone gone through something similar like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 9:03pm
First of all I will tell you that I am the last person to sit in judgment of you. You already know this was not what God wants for you. However I think now maybe you should focus on the promises God has given us. God has promised us that when we truly repent our sins will be washed away. It sounds to me as though you have repented. Yes it was wrong and no you can not undo what has been done but God looks at the heart and he knows yours and your fiances. Remember that Romans tell us that nothing in heaven or earth, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons can separate us from the love of God. My advice would be to be disciplined about those devotions and find time to pray with and do devotions with your fiance. This will help you to keep

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 7:45am
Yep, I understand. My tale is a bit different. I had plenty of premarital sex ending up with 3 children. God does heal and restore. Repent and be done with it. Be accountable to someone until you get married. It actually is much different when you wait until you are married.



You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:28am

First of all, WELCOME! Please feel welcome to stay and get to know everyone here. This is a great place with a wonderful group of praying women who believe that thru Christ, all things are possible.

I stand in agreement with Jenny & Kristi. Thru repentance all things are washed away. Forgive yourself and your fiance. Put God back as the center of your relationship and watch as God grows both of you. Thru hardship & trials come the greatest blessings.

Congratulations of the upcoming wedding. When is date?

Your sister in Christ,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:12am

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm Shelly, one of the CL's here at Christian Families. I also stand in agreement with Jenny and Kristi, and congratulate you on your upcoming wedding.

Please feel free to post anytime, and join us for warm and engaging fellowship!

Visit me at www.warmspirit.org/sbstrickland

Building my destiny one day and one step at a time.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:54am
Sweetie..the first thing you need to do is take a big deep breath and relax. Now, you need to know that you are nowhere close to the "only" Christian couple that has had sex before they got married. I'll have you know that my DH and I have been married for one year on the 24th of this month and we have a 15 month old baby. Do the math!! Here's the thing..for financial type reasons, my DH and I couldn't get married right away. We've been together since I was 18 (now a little more than 6 years). As far as I was concerned, we may not have been "legally" married, but in the eyes of God I think we were entertwined for eternity. You need to stop feeling guilty. Our God is not a God of guilt. He doesn't intened for anyone to feel guilty. Remember that God is the judge of some trial you are on where you can only get in his good graces by resolving your issues yourself. He is the friend with him arm around you, trying to help you. This may help.. Romans 8:1 says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." There is no condemnation!! That means, God is not holding a pen over a pad of paper just waiting for your next trangression so he can write down all the bad things you do. You are forgiven by the Grace of God. You ask, you recieve..it's that easy. As for your bed being tainted..stop thinking that way. You are pure...your future husband is pure and therefore even if you'd had sex several times...the scantity of your marriage will keep your bed pure. I know it's not what you planned, but things happen. You need to stop feeling guilty, stop blaming yourself, and get ready to be a married woman. Marriage is hard enough without entering into it under a shield of guilty and bad feelings. Nobody needs to know what happened. You don't need to tell your mom or your dad or your pastor. It's between you and your future DH. and just so you know, a man doesn't have to orgasm in order to get you pregnant. Any contact between him and you can do that..but the fact that you are one the pill will most likely be your saving grace..since it is 99.9% effective when taken correctly. Now...I hope you can feel a little better..and like I said..stop feeling guilty and enjoy the last bit of time before your wedding.....you deserve it!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:39pm

I agree with the others and have only this scripture to add...

"If we confess are sin, He is faithful and just, to forgive us our sin and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

Lisa, as you have confessed your sin, so have you been forgiven. In Jesus name, AMEN.

God bless,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:50am

First let me say that you DO sound sincerely repentant and trusting in God does heal. Let me also say that while I "DO NOT" condone sleeping around before marriage or even haphazardly having sex with someone you happen to be in a relationship with is a "good" thing, I can't cast judement on you or him, because God judges on the intent of the heart and not always on the action. Also, I think you need to examine the context. Your age, the duration of your relationship and your intent on getting married. Unless you are with someone, which it doesn't sound like you are, that is apt to walk, or bail, even after you've had sex then, perhaps you should reconsider your decision, action and intentions. But as one Pastor I know says, the bible is all about the hermeneutic of the text and not always the exact, literal interpretation. And, perhaps this issue is not one of those cases, I'm not sure. But, having said that, you have been together for 3 years, and are in fact, engaged. Remember, in ancient times. the marriage was not merely based on the piece of paper, but rather the consumation of the relationship, yes, the sex, which "sealed the deal"....so, for all intents and purposes you can, especially if you're planning a ceremony and celebrtion (merely an outward display of your inner conviction) consider yourself married, based on your sexual actions AND the intent of your heart.

Also remember, there are plenty of people, Born Again as well, who waited until marriage and against all efforts wound up divorced. And, while I strongly suggest adhering to the word of God, and praying over issues, I wouldn't necessarily condemn anyone who really acted on sincere and wholesome intentions.