hard time supporting friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
hard time supporting friend
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 8:59am

Hello all,
I have a close friend who is engaged to a man who is selfish, self-centered, arrogant, and could be a narcissistic. They fought a lot for the first 3 or 4 years of their relationship because she recognized that he is self-centered, not very giving, and chose his friends and sport activities over her. I listened and never said anything except only that she deserves someone who will always be there for her, that dating should pretty much be an easy during the early stages, etc. Her response is that he'll change and that she loves him.

Two years ago, he started to come around more and my friend has nothing but great things to say about him. So I told myself that I'll give him another chance. So when I saw him and when we all hung out together, I didn't see a change at all. I watched him pretty closely and saw a guy who's just spending more time with her but still has the same personality... very conceited, only talks about himself, has cold/unwelcoming body gestures, etc. And I see my friend covering up for him or talking for him. He never tries to get to know me, never asking what I do or anything basic. It's not just me either, other people notice these traits about him and how she reacts to him. When they come out with my friends, my friends are offended by him.

I feel that she wants me to believe that he's changed. I think she wants herself to believe that he's changed.
She overly builds him up and when you met him, it's underwhelming. He still doesn't show much respect for her.

About 2 months ago, he finally proposes after 7 years. She said yes of course. I know this is her choice. I'm having a hard time supporting her though. I never say anything and am always decent and pleasant around him, BUT it's SO HARD to watch your friend with a man who doesn't treat her wonderfully or anyone around him. I have to plaster on this fake smile...

My question is, how do I deal with this? I have to see this guy for long time and watch her be a doormat.
I'm trying to be happy for her but I can't. Do people end friendships because of their uncomfortableness with the person's S.O? I'm afraid that I might slip and say something. I'm having a hard time telling her, "oh, he's a great guy, I'm so happy for you, what a match!", etc. Should I say those things anyway?

Thanks for your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 9:00am
Tough spot.



You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 3:25pm

Welcome to the board~

I agree with Kristi, its something that should be addressed in love, and in truth. She's your friend, you shouldn't lie to her. But you need to let her know you love her, not her choices.

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,  and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 1:02pm
I agree with the ladies too. I was in a similar situation many years ago and I was truthful about what I saw and knew. My friend didn't stop talking to me but sort of ignored me as much as possible for 2 years till he saw what I had told him first hand. It was hard for him. I never said I told you so, never mentioned it in fact. I just sort of reached out when I saw he wanted to talk and stayed away when he didn't. God worked it out and we are friends again. I am thankful that I told the truth to begin with even though the road was rocky. It let him know that I had truly been looking out for his best interest from the beginning. Pray about it and let God give you the words to speak to your friend.

Your sister in Christ,