Issues with daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Issues with daughter
4
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:26pm

I thought and thought about posting this, but I am just lost as to what to do.

When we found out that we had to move here, my daughter who was 15 at the time, was understandably upset. She had lived her whole life in one place, went to school there, grew up with all the same kids, not to mention her whole family is there. We discussed our options, but really what she wanted was to go live with her father and his wife and finish school there and come visit me for the summer.

I was afraid to force her to come with me, although that is what I wanted to do, I talked to her and told her that I felt she was old enough to make the decision, that she was more than welcome to come with me as I love her so very much, or she could stay there.

Although staying with her father was against my better judgement, he is an alcoholic, and I suspect his wife is too since every time I have seen the woman she has a can of beer in her hand.

Of course I was broken hearted when she decided to stay there, but it only lasted a few months, apparently she was acting out, rebelling majorly. One day her father called me and told me he had enough, he couldn't handle her and he was bringing her down the next day.

And he did, dropping her off with her stuff as if she was nothing but trash.

Instead of trying to help her, he gave up on her which caused a lot of hurt and resentment on her part.

We had a few very rough weeks, she was so angry, cried all the time, yelled, screamed, even got to the point where she hit me.

I didn't hit her back, although after everything was calmed down I made it very clear that she will never, ever raise her hand to me again, that she will respect me and my husband and our rules.

I also made it clear that a lot of this mess she made herself, and this is her consequence, to live here instead of at home. Although I suspect there were a lot of issues with her step mother.

I am happy that she is with me, but at the same time I don't know how to help her.

She recently blatently broke the rules, my husband caught her with a boy in the house when he unexpectantly came home from work early. He talked to her for hours and he told her, if she wants to have someone over that is fine, as long as we meet this person first and one of us is home. Now this is a long standing rule in my home, I don't want kids in my house unless there is adult supervision, whether it be one or twenty, and certainly I don't want a boy here. Who knows what could have happened if my husband hadn't come home when he did?

There is so much more, she is deeply depressed, she really has a hard time making friends, she is severely homesick.

And yeah, I understand it's hard, but she just won't talk to me.

Then the other night she talked to her father, and now he has done a complete turn about, telling her he misses her and wants her back, and I am MAD, all he is doing is making it worse for her. And making a difficult situation even harder.

I don't think it's a good idea at all for her to go home, maybe that is just the mother part of me speaking, but I love her and want what's best for her, and sometimes the best thing isn't always what makes them the happiest.

I found out that while she was with him, she had pretty much no supervision, she was partying, drinking and such, and I am terribly frightened that she will fall into the same things if she goes back.

All I have been doing is praying for her. Asking God to help me with this, I just don't know how to help her.

Deni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 7:24pm

You are in a tough place. If you are sure that her dad's isn't a good environment, don't give on it. My dd is 14. Her dad's is no environment for her to be in for similar reasons. Kids who grow up instead of being raised, make bad calls. I would encourage you to stick it out. Set firm boundries and consequences. She will respect it later in life.

If she is truly depressed, perhaps consider talking to your pediatrician about it. She may need a mild antidepressant. Life changes like your move at this point in her life can be horrific. I know, I was about that age when I was uprooted from my home. It was terrible, however, looking back, I'm glad my folks did it. When I look at where my friends back there ended up and where I am, I am so thankful that my folks did move. Hang in there.

 

Kristi

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 9:24am

Good morning Deni,

I agree with Kristi. Hang in there and just love her. If you know the environment with her father is not a good one, don't give in. Just love her. When she makes some new friends, things will probably get easier. Maybe she'll go with you to church Sunday and who knows, the right friend just might be there. I'll be in prayer for you both.

Your sister in Christ,
Robin

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:16am

Hi, Deni~~

I agree with Kristi and Robin. Your DD will appreciate all you're doing for her in the long run, and I pray that in the short run you'll continue to pray. He knows your faithfulness to Him and to your DD, and He's working it out.




Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Visit me at www.warmspirit.org/sbstrickland


Building my destiny one day and one step at a time.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 6:58am

Thank you all for your responses and prayers.

I've been praying a lot for my daughter, and I know God already has everything well in hand which gives me comfort.

Blessings,
Deni