Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Need some advice
5
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:18pm

Hello,

I have written on this site before, a few weeks ago,( Titled" Husband and inlaw problems"). I shared how my husband had retired from 20 years in the Navy last July, and how we had moved to live next door to my inlaws, and how that was causing even more problems in our marriage.
I have made alot of mistakes in my marriage, including a past overspending problem, and dishonesty about it to my husband. I am now trying to put my past mistakes behind me.
As for my husband, he has been very critical of me throughout our 17 year marriage. He has, at times, had an anger problem, and has yelled at me, and thrown things. He has told me that I "need to be the wife that he wants me to be."

Living here next to my inlaws continues to be difficult. The other day, my mother in law was gone for the day, so I figured it would be safe to go out and get my mail from the mailbox. So, I just got my mail, and left my mother in laws and husband's mail for my mother in law to get later. But, my husband caught me getting the mail, and scolded me. He told me that I was not allowed to get the mail,not even my own. Only himself or his mother were allowed to get mail, he told me. He also said he has to see my mail each day, as well.
The next day, my mother in law got the mail, and brought it to us. She accused me of ordering a new magazine ( her and my husband do not want me to order anything through the mail, and my mother in law checks the dates on my magazines that come in the mail, to see if I have ordered any new ones.) I told my mother in law that I had not ordered a new one, it was just a gift subsciption from my Aunt for Christmas. ( My husband and his mother treat me this way, because of my past overspending problems.) I am also allowed no money of my own, or access to our bank accounts.
My husband has been out of work for six weeks. He stays up all night, and sleeps all day, and does not look for work. I dont nag him, I know he is depressed and feeling lost after 20 years in the Navy. But, I am worried, as we cannot pay our bills.

I know that I have made alot of mistakes in the past. But, I am starting to feel that I can't go on for much longer here, being allowed so little personal freedom.
I have been thinking that, if things do not get better for me here by this summer, that I may go stay with my family out of state, at least temporarily. I may possibly also tell my husband that I will not come back, until I am allowed more personal freedom, and we get some counseling together, and we move ( at least a few miles) from the inlaws.

I am not really sure WHAT the best thing would be to do, though. I am heartbroken at the idea of possibly leaving my 14 year old daughter, even for awhile. I also still would like to see my marriage restored.

Please let me know what you think.

Thank you for listening,
Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 5:08pm

Jen,


I have to say I'm comfused. First of all, you may have made some major league bad decisons in the past about money, but that doesn't mean that your Husband should treat you like a child. It sounds to me that HE doesn't even know how to act like an adult. If he's staying up all night and not even applying for a job anywhere. I understand depression, I sometimes struggle with that, and I know my DH does too. But not even making an effort?? sigh.

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,  and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 1:03pm
Hi, Jen. I agree with Karen in that you're going through psychological abuse, and that's no good for your family. I pray you'll seek counseling, whether from your pastor or a Christian counseling firm, to help you sort out your thoughts, face your fears and devise a game plan that's good for you.




Visit me at www.warmspirit.org/sbstrickland


Building my destiny one day and one step at a time.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 2:01pm

Thank you Karen and Shelley,

You both have been helpful. I had not thought of trying pastoral counseling. I did try regular counseling for awhile, and that helped, but my husband would no longer pay for it, even before he lost his job.

I have considered getting at least a part time job. But, if I do go to work before my husband gets a job again, I am afraid that he would just decide to stay home, and not work himself.( He was talking about doing that to me, before he retired from the Navy last year.) Also I would have a problem, because we live out in the country, and I do not drive.

I do think you are right, Karen, that I am going to have to be the one to change things in my marriage. I am feeling overwhelmed, though...I start thinking I need to get out, and then I get upset about possibly having to leave my daughter behind, as she really likes it here. I am afraid my husband and his family would band together against me, if I tried to take her with me. I am hoping that I could get her out for a visit with my family this summer.
I just really feel confused right now, I do not really know WHAT I should do! I just know I need to do something.
Thank you all for listening.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:30pm
I'll be praying for you Jen. It may be a hard road, but with God's help, you can make it!



"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,  and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2007
Wed, 12-05-2007 - 1:04pm

Dear Sister,


Please take a look at this encouraging book that is a journey of faith, hope and love that needs you to write the ending.


Tristan


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