needing advice about intimacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
needing advice about intimacy
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 2:11pm

I posted my whole story on "The Secret of Married Sex" Board if you want more details, but I came here looking for a Christian perspective. I've been married for 5 years. My marriage is strong and wonderful, and I couldn't be more in love with my husband; however, we do not have sex at all. We are both young and healthy. We waited until marriage to be physically intimate, but then I found it to be painful and generally unpleasant. DH is completely understanding. He doesn't push the issue at all, but I'm sure that deep down he wishes that we were intimate. We have one child, but I can't say that we are one of those "once the baby came" stories. We've been this way since day one of our marriage. Of course, we had to do it to make a baby, but that's all.

Could you give me any advice or book suggestions?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 11:12pm

Hey Sunshine!

Welcome to the board!

Obviously you have been intimate with your husband, you have a child. But you are saying that you have not been intimate since she was born? Is that correct?

You mentioned it was painful, and not pleasant at all. Have you dicussed this with your doctor? There are some physical conditions that actually can be treated medically for this. I would suggest that you go in and consult with your OBGYN. You may have a condition that can be treated. Wouldn't that be a good thing?

Maybe some one else here will have more to offer on advice. I wish you the best!!

Please feel free to hang around the board!

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,  and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:39am

Thanks for writing back. We were intimate a handful of times before our child was conceived. When we were TTC, I found ways to endure it. I was so relieved when we conceived in only 3 months.

It's been almost two years since we found out we were pregnant, and we haven't made love since. I would be fine with that myself, but I don't want my husband to feel rejected. And I know that God made sex to be enjoyed between a husband and a wife. I want that for us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 12:05pm

Hi, and welcome to the board, mysunshine06.

Karen gave you some great advice about the possibility of a physical issue, and I second her advice on that.

However, the other thing to look at is your personal view of sex and your sexuality. Sometimes we women tend to look at sex in different ways depending on our upbringing and personal experiences. There are women who are uncomfortable with sex physically, mentally, etc., and there are women who are very comfortable in their sexual skin, so to speak.

Please feel free to kick off your shoes and get comfortable! :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:40pm

I am surprised that he doesn't push the issue. How many women are bugged incessantly for more intimacy, more sex from their husbands?

You said: I'm sure that deep down he wishes that we were intimate. Have you actually asked for his complete honesty? I think it's tremendously important that he tells you exactly how he feels so that you BOTH can deal with the problem together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 12:51pm

Thank you for your post. Yes, absolutely. We have discussed this at length. In fact, I haven't returned to iVillage (until I got an e-mail that my post had been answered)about this particular issue because as couple we decided that it is a non-issue. My husband confirmed with complete sincerity that he believes that it is best for us to abstain from actual intercourse except when we are trying to conceive. This was his suggestion not mine, and he was actually really surprised that I was agonizing over this so much. He says that all he needs is some physical "play" together and quiet time with each other. I am simply grateful that I have such a wonderful husband. He understands my needs, and I now have a greater understanding of his.

Thanks for your concern.