Newlywed Question For Married Christians

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Newlywed Question For Married Christians
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 12:38pm

Hi! I'm new to the board (just discovered it today) and thought it might be a good place to ask for a little advice from those of you who've been there.

I've been married for almost 3 months now and overall it has been wonderful. We are, however, having a difficult time transitioning from "waiting" until marriage to actually being married. A quick background - he and I dated for awhile in college when neither of us were concerned about faith. So it was difficult when we got back together and our faith was much stronger and we wanted to do the right thing. We were not successful in the beginning and found that in order to keep things from going too far we would have to pretty much stop things at kissing. I thought once we were married all of those physical feelings of desire would return, but they just haven't. We have talked about it and he's admitted that the transition is hard, and I feel bad that my level of desire isn't greater. While our libidos may never be the same, I am hoping that our intimate relationship will improve.

If you have any suggestions or pieces of advice from your own experience, they would be greatly appreciated! TIA

Married to the most wonderful man since Aug '06 (both of us are 32)
TTC#1 since Oct '08
HSG Oct '09 - Clear
SA Oct '09 - Initial Diagnosis is Azoospermia
Nov '09 - Urologist Appt: App

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:05pm
First and foremost, you are so not alone on this one. As women, many of us feel the same way. It is tough. There are many books written about rekindling passion. I think the lure of sin is so intense that it magnifys feelings. So, what seemed soooo hot and passionate before marriage becomes not so hot when we are. However, God does want that passion for us. I would read up on married sex. There are tons of Christian books to help you have a healthy passionate relationship with your husband.



You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:45pm

Hi Tia!!

Girlfriend, you are not alone. I am married a little over 2 months now and my story is similar to yours in terms of us wanting to do things right when we were dating as well as the intense passion and attraction we had towards one another during that time. The day we got married, neither one of us was really pressed to do what we had been waiting to do with each other for all this time. But, there was nervousness involved. It was kind of surreal as well. I knew it was something to be excited about (even though I didn't feel excited) and something God wanted for us so I actually made the first move.

This is what it comes down to............The devil is going to try to make you think that there was somehow more passion and more excitement before you got married. Because He doesn't want you to know that what you have now is better then what you had then. My advice to you is this, you know that God is pleased with you guys wanting to do things right during courtship and now that you are married, it really glorifies God when you are intimate. You know that your marriage bed is blessed because of the posture of your hearts during courtship.

Be willing to teach one another. Many times we have these fantasies in our minds and deeply rooted expectations that can find their way into our sex lives as married couples. Fantasies don't exist and the world doesn't present an accurate picture of intimacy either. Sex between my husband and I was not red hot passion at first. It was awkward and we were learning one another. For me, I kept confessing silently to myself that what we have now is better than what we had before even though I didn't always feel like it was. Now, I am on fire for my husband even more so than when we were dating, but that took work and making the right confessions to myself. You and your husband are going to be just great, just start confessing to yourself that what you have now is better than what you had before. Don't let the devil make you think that mabye you were not as attracted to your husband as you though you were. That's just not true. Those feelings of attraction you had during your courtship you will experience again in a much stronger and intense way that you could ever imagine. When you decided that you to glorify God in your courtship by abstaining from sexual activity, you gave all those feelings and those passions over to God. When you give something to God, he always gives you back much more. He will give you back more passion and more attraction. I know it, because He is doing it for me.

Ande and Noah
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 1:11pm

I am a married woman (16 years with 4 kids). We waited until we were married- sometimes very hard. At times my desire has been up and down. In a long term relationship this happens- hormones, stress, tiredness all play a role.

But I found that if you put some effort into it, sex can still be exciting and hot. In fact, I think it is better now. I am a more confident person. I am with the man who is committed to me. I can trust him with who I am, imperfections and all. The hardest thing I had was talking about sex and letting my husband know what I needed and listening to what he needed.

Because you are together all the time, you may need to be more intentional and focused on your intimate moments. Plan them- anticipation sometimes builds the excitement. Even if you don't feel sexy or in the mood, be open, put on perfume and something pretty. ( what did you do when you were getting ready for a date?)Try flirting with your husband. Sex just doesn't happen in the bedroom. It starts by whispers in his ear at breakfast, a lingering kiss, a knowing look or wink. It takes work, but being married means you have time to savour- no rushing.

Think in your head like you are still dating. My kids groan because their dad calls me "his girlfriend".

God wants you to take joy in your physcial realtionship. YOu are a gift to each other.


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