Numb and need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Numb and need advice
7
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:53am

I found this board tonight after I had a sense to ask for advice.
Here is my situation.
I have been in a relationship for 3 years to the man I thought I would one day marry. We have a baby girl who is now 1 year old. We have had our ups and downs like any other couple. We broke up on April 1st and within a week I found out he was with a new girl. That lasted about 3 weeks.
After that ended with the other girl he decided that he wanted to "date" me. No commitment, just "see where it goes".
The past couple of weeks he has begun going to church and really getting in touch with God. I am thrilled about this. Tonight he called me to tell me how much he feels like we are tied together and we need to keep all of the outside influences out of our relationship. Then he decided to confess a few things.

First, he confessed that he has been doing drugs for years. After finding God he has not been doing them. Second, he confessed that within our 3 year relationship he has been intimate with 4-6 other women. He said he doesn't remember the exact number because of the drugs. He basicly wants me to accept that he "went out on a limb" and confessed these things to me b/c it is what God wants so we can rebuild our relationship with no secrets. He doesn't want me to be upset or force him to deal with how upset I am with this news. I am so unbelievably lost as to what to do or think. I just have this overwhelming numbness. How can I rebuild a relationship with no trust. How can I get past this, when I'm not sure if I even want to waste my time on him anymore. He is so unapologetic. Like is a fact that now I know about and need to accept or not.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I absolutely believe in the power of God to transform people but, how?

Thank You So Much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 7:01am

When he confessed these things to you, did you apologize to you? I think that you need to pray pray pray about this. I don't have an answer for you. I guess you have to decide several things. First, do you love yourself and him? Secondly, has he TRULY changed? I wish you the best of luck..

LAura

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 9:38am

Hi, and welcome to the board.

Clarity and space are the keys: clarity to assess the relationship at its present state, clarity to discern your feelings, space to allow yourselves to sort out and work through these tough issues individually and collectively, and clarity for direction both now and the future.

I hope this helps, and please feel free to post here anytime. :-)




Visit me at www.warmspirit.org/sbstrickland


Building my destiny one day and one step at a time.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:42am
I am not sure I can help you with any amazing advice but I will tell you that I will pray for all of you. I agree with Shelly I think you need some time and space. Time to do your own praying for answers and get a real idea of how you feel. He also needs to be understanding to this and if he really wants to get right with God and with you he is going to have to give this to you. Spend time in prayer and really listen to what God has to say. I pray things will work out well for all of you. Keep posting with us so we can get to know you better.






iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 2:25pm

First and foremost, why does he have the right to tell you how you should feel or act?! In essence his confessions were for himself only. He just wanted to be "straight" with you. You got an apology of sorts with a "but" attached. If he is really sorry, he will know you have the right to be upset and angry for a while. How long it takes you to get through it isn't his call. To tell you not to be upset or let him know your hurt while he deals with his own issues is a deal breaker. Understanding that he might really be sorry and that he could just be clueless to how this types of things are dealt with, you most definatly deserve time and space.

As the other girls have said, you need to pray. Time and distance will allow you to make good sound choices that aren't based on emotions. I'm glad he is off drugs. Understand, a couple good months does not make a rehabilitated person. Right now, he is in a honeymoon period. See what he does when difficult times come up, what he does in the months to come.

Lastly, cheating. That one is huge! You deserve all the time you need to heal. He can't tell you when you should be "past it". Don't let him tell you otherwise. Watch him for a while, I mean a long while, his actions will show his heart. God says we know a man by his actions. Is he unwilling to look at other women? Is he willing to honor you by his actions and give you time and space? These are things you can watch for.

I know you are hurt beyond words. This had to be hard to have dumped on you. You are at a cross roads of sorts. How you handle this can change your future. I mean wether or not you walk from him isn't the bigger picture. You can make a choice to stay in this hurt place and not heal. You can become an angry, hard hearted, mistrusting woman if you decide to do nothing. You need to get healed up from this. I would suggest talking with a pastor or seasoned Christian. They can help you down your other road...the one of forgiveness. This one is so much better. Forgiving him lets you get free from the hurt and anger. It is the road you want. I read a billboard at a Burger King the other day. It said, "Forgiveness was granted 2 prisioners were set free. One of those prisoners what you!" Odd to see at BK, but it was so powerful. See, I am at the same crossroad right now. Different situation, same intersection. I have to choose to forgive; the other would hurt even worse. Keep posting. Glad to see ya!

 

Kristi

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 3:37pm

How can I rebuild a relationship with no trust. How can I get past this, when I'm not sure if I even want to waste my time on him anymore. He is so unapologetic. Like is a fact that now I know about and need to accept or not.
_____________________

My heart goes out to you. Since I am not in your shoes, I can only speculate as to what I would do if I had to face the same set of circumstances. Having been cheated on in the past, I can certainly relate to how you feel.

I would pour out my heart to God and allow Him to heal and comfort as He does best. There are lots of wonderful Scripture that testify to God's immeasurable and vast love for us. Search the Scriptures and then meditate on them.

As for your guy, I'd do two things: forgive him and then move on.

The two things that you state above are crucial: No trust and the fact that not only is he unapologetic, but he also expects you to just "swallow it" and remain silent on your hurt and pain so he doesn't have to hear any of it. That's abusive.

The fact that he cheated on you with not only one woman (even one indiscretion with one woman is huge all by itself), but four to six, is the absolute height of selfishness, irresponsibility and disrespect! By being intimate with others, he placed your health and very life at risk! Not to mention that he was LIVING A LIE (misleading you to believe he was being faithful when he wasn't) during those three years.

To basically tell you that he doesn't want to hear about your feelings or LISTEN to how much he's hurt you, and he's unapologetic for it all, as another poster said, it would DEFINITELY be a dealbreaker. If he's treating you like this now, could you imagine how much worse it would be if you were married to him?

I believe God has done you a huge favor by showing you up front the type of man you're dealing with. I think it's wonderful that God moved on his heart to confess to you his MULTIPLE indiscretions before you made the mistake of marrying a man whom you believed was being faithful to you and would be faithful to you in marriage.

Stay or go, God won't make the choice for you. But if you really want to know the right thing to do, ask God for wisdom and He will give you all you need to do the right thing for you and your child.

All the best,
~H

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:39pm
I want to tell everyone how much your replies have meant to me. I have read and reread them. While he and I have spent a lot of time together over the past couple of weeks(mainly because we missed each other), I have realized something. I have prayed and prayed over this and I believe that God is telling me that we both need time apart, to seperately get our own lives in order and figure things out. I haven't been to church in about 2 years, but today, I went and bought the kids some nice church clothes and we will start going again on Sunday. He has been going to a different church(usually every Sunday). I feel like God is telling me to let him figure out what he is missing and what he has done, and for me to make myself scarce for awhile and let him. Does that make sense?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 6:54pm

Yes, that does make sense. I'm happy to hear you found a church this past week. Thats aswesome!


Sometimes I think we do need to just sit back and evaluate our situations. The priorty here is to get yourself back into God's word and find out what HIS plans are for your life.


I will continue to pray for you! Please stick around the board and use us for support! Thats what we're here for!


(((God Bless ya)))



"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,  and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11