Seeking Logic

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Seeking Logic
3
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 8:26am

Trying desperately to curb my frustration, "negativity" and "anger", especially toward my husband's family.

Long story short, since our marriage a few years ago, we have been trying to treat his parents much like we treat mine, and include them in our lives and some activities. They've barely done much traveling, or anything other than work, and are always "ambivalent", even turned us down several times including last summer when we had already bought and paid for tickets for a visit, only to cost us money and to "deprive" my grandmother, who looked forward to company (in her last days) of their visit and of the experience.

Trying to make good they visited this past week, claiming to have had an amazing time and experience and noted they'd like to visit again. A very special family member is having a special celebration (Lord Willing) in December and we'd like to include them.

DH "insists" it may be too much and too soon for them, especially in the cold (though it won't be cold, rainy, wet, snowy, etc in our home or anyone elses. They've not (yet) said NO, though they've not said YES either and dh insists we "play it by ear", though, since he "knows" them, suggests I discard the idea of them joining us completely.

This is a VERY special celebration, and in my humble opinion, they have an obligation (if invited) to attend, not just say NO because they don't like flying (45 minutes) in the winter.

I know my folks would be EXTREMELY disappointed, they have often taken the trip to see them and gone out of their way for them, and would be polite, but otherwise cut off ties, leaving my in-laws to shoot themselves in the foot, and creating tension in the family. I too would have to alienate myself from them for failure to extend themselves and while I woudln't cut them off completely, wouldn't go out of my way to visit, include them, call them (like I do now), etc. I would be really, really, really, really, let down and hurt, especially since we've explained how important this is for all of us, ME and my family. Them not coming would be blatant disrespect and a slap in the face.

Any opinions, suggestions, experiences, etc. I am seriously loosing respect for my husband and marriage based on his family and all the turmoil, aggrevation, and strife they have (up til now) caused (and may continue to cuase) and my husband, out of love, trying to defend them. I look at him and his trying to justify their complacency and all I want is out, and really all I want is normalcy and peace and promises (his parents said they'd like to come back) that are meant and kept.

All help greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
In reply to: citrisgal
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 8:58pm
there is not enough room on this board to tell all about the workings of my MIL, BIL, or my husband's family BUT I can tell you that for me God has spoken very clearly that when they behave very badly I am to forgive them and I am to continue to joyful engage with them so that they are given the oppurtunity to witness the love of Jesus Christ. They live an hour and forty minutes and the entire drive I am in prayer and blasting worship music the entire drive but I make it through every single time and it really has helped me let go of a lot of resentment. I remind myself over and over that forgiveness doesn't make the sin right, it just sets me free from it and anyways, my avoiding them only makes me on edge because then I am constantly aware of the strife...I don't think it phases them at all except to have one more thing to incorrectly hold against me. Let us know how it works out. I will pray for your situation.
Angi
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
In reply to: citrisgal
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 7:03am

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are very much appreciated and needed. I will continue to try to be loving, forgiving, and understanding (though I may need to take up a physical sport to let off some steam :) ).

I am simply saddened that they CONSISTANTLY appologize and note their wrongs by saying we are like this or like that and we wish it were different OR they say "we should have done this sooner", or "why didn't we do this before". They even occassionally do things like taking a limousine to the airport (we paid for one once) because they say it makes them feel special and important, yet, the VERY next opportunity they have to share in another memorable and rewarding experience they excuse to death and decline. Then they turn around and say, well, we feel like we are a burden because we are "boring" and have nothing to contribute (to conversation) like others.

I feel sorry for them and dh and I only pray that the Lord will touch their stubborn heart and mind and allow them to enjoy life and their children while they still have both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: citrisgal
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:51pm

My MIL is the same way, only she lives 1 mile from me. I have just come to know how she will always answer me with a no and just love her regardless. In the end, I still attempt to include but no longer get my feelings hurt. It's just the way she is. I no longer feel guilty that she misses all these wonderful events in my childrens' lives. I just rejoice on the rare occassion she does join us. This sounds like something that has been ongoing and therefore has become an extra large issue for you. Pray for a forgiving and accepting heart towards them because chances are they will not change their ways. I'll be praying too.

Your sister in Christ,
Robin

Robin