So confused, would like some advice
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|Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:01pm|
It's my first time posting on this board but I have been lurking for a few days. For some reason I feel a bit guilty posting this, but I would like some advice and I think this is a good place to get it.
I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. We started dating in high school and now have spent the last few years growing together throughout college. I have no doubts in my mind we will build a future together. We have sex. I have not felt guilty about this until the past week.
I am a Catholic, I attend church weekly and love going. It makes me feel like a good person and like I can lead a better and healthier life after I go each week. I am also involved in working on a youth retreat right now where I will be a team leader working with high schoolers and discussing issues of the church. At our last team retreat meeting, we were discussing how to approach topics which teens face such as family issues, substance abuse, and relationships. Of course the topic of sex came up when we were discussing relationships.
Let me tell you, I never so much felt like the black sheep at the table. I felt extremely ashamed for being involved in premarital sex and also for being on birth control. I feel like a hypocrite for being involved in this retreat, when in just a few short months I will be preaching the word of the church to these teens when I don't even follow them. I discussed this with a friend who is also doing the retreat, and she assured me I shouldn't feel guilty. She said that we don't all live 100% by the Bible and that I shouldn't feel bad. We also discussed in retreat team that none of us are going to completely agree with what the church says, but we have to present its ideals to these teens to let them make their own decisions without incorporating our own beliefs.
But I do, and I am not sure why. I never felt guilty for having sex with my boyfriend, or for being on birth control, until this past week. And now the feelings are eating me up inside. I am questioning all of my past decisions, and feeling horrible, like I have sinned and will continue to sin. I don't understand why all of a sudden I am feeling this way. I really like where my relationship is at, and yes, sex is a large part of it. I like sharing something with the man that I love that I will not (Ever) share with anyone else.
So what do you all think? I know what I believe in, I know I believe in God. I try to live righteously, and now am so unsure of myself it is driving me nuts.
Thank you for reading this long post and taking the time to respond.