So confused, would like some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
So confused, would like some advice
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:01pm

Hello everyone,

It's my first time posting on this board but I have been lurking for a few days. For some reason I feel a bit guilty posting this, but I would like some advice and I think this is a good place to get it.

I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. We started dating in high school and now have spent the last few years growing together throughout college. I have no doubts in my mind we will build a future together. We have sex. I have not felt guilty about this until the past week.

I am a Catholic, I attend church weekly and love going. It makes me feel like a good person and like I can lead a better and healthier life after I go each week. I am also involved in working on a youth retreat right now where I will be a team leader working with high schoolers and discussing issues of the church. At our last team retreat meeting, we were discussing how to approach topics which teens face such as family issues, substance abuse, and relationships. Of course the topic of sex came up when we were discussing relationships.

Let me tell you, I never so much felt like the black sheep at the table. I felt extremely ashamed for being involved in premarital sex and also for being on birth control. I feel like a hypocrite for being involved in this retreat, when in just a few short months I will be preaching the word of the church to these teens when I don't even follow them. I discussed this with a friend who is also doing the retreat, and she assured me I shouldn't feel guilty. She said that we don't all live 100% by the Bible and that I shouldn't feel bad. We also discussed in retreat team that none of us are going to completely agree with what the church says, but we have to present its ideals to these teens to let them make their own decisions without incorporating our own beliefs.

But I do, and I am not sure why. I never felt guilty for having sex with my boyfriend, or for being on birth control, until this past week. And now the feelings are eating me up inside. I am questioning all of my past decisions, and feeling horrible, like I have sinned and will continue to sin. I don't understand why all of a sudden I am feeling this way. I really like where my relationship is at, and yes, sex is a large part of it. I like sharing something with the man that I love that I will not (Ever) share with anyone else.

So what do you all think? I know what I believe in, I know I believe in God. I try to live righteously, and now am so unsure of myself it is driving me nuts.

Thank you for reading this long post and taking the time to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 12:39am

Welcome out of lurkdom~ :)

I'm glad you popped out! lol.

Well...... you may not like what I am about to say, but I feel that I have to say it; :) know that I speak in love.

The convictions you are feeling are probably not something that God wants you to take lightly. He is the one convicting you. For whatever reason, your sin has to come to light at this time, perhaps because you are going to teach His sheep and at this time, you will become a teacher, and leader to these teens. Scripturely speaking, you are held up to be more accountable for your actions once you become a leader. The bible tells us that leaders are held

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,  and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 7:33am
I ditto what Karen said. Leaders are held to a higher standard. I would take these decisions seriously.



You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 3:10pm

Welcome to the board!

I also echo Karen and Kristi's sentiments, and I've been through a similar conviction in my life. That feeling never sits well in our hearts and spirits. In the end, we just have to follow God's lead. He knows what's ultimately best for us, even when we don't understand or have a desired outcome in mind. He blesses us with His divine peace and clear direction for our lives.

Visit me at

Building my destiny one day and one step at a time.....

Avatar for tigerbunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 5:53pm

Dear aimros - I hope you are reading these responses knowing that they are written in love... You are loved, just as you are.

I come from a simular circumstance, so I can relate. I fell deeply in love with someone just after high school. Being raised a christian, I felt pre-marital sex was wrong, but my feelings for my boyfriend soon replaced my relationship with God. We started having sex and talked about getting married. I really thought we would be together forever, but it didn't work out. Now I understand the reasons God wants us to stay pure. I am know married to another, wonderfull, man, but my feelings of loss over my old bf (which were greatly hightened due to our sexual relationship) have kept me in a state of depression for neerly 10 years. My dh and I also had sex before we were married and that has put a toll on our marriage in a way I never expected. Because we dove into sex early in our relationship, we missed a lot of lessons on other types of communication.

I have recently returned to a relationship with God and Jesus, my Savior. Now I am free of my guilt and my depression is being lifted. I still have a long way to go in repairing the damage to my marriage, but am making progress in a very short time with God's help.

I pray you will come to Jesus in a new way.
With love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 6:55pm

Well said ((Tiger))

And I hope I did express in my post that I spoke out of love for a Christian sister, not out a judgemental heart. I am among the least of the pure hearts, believe me. I know that it is only by God's grace that I am who I am, and that is piece of work in action... daily!!!


"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,

"I know my plans for you"declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you,  and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11