Abusive SIL ruining r/ship with ILs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2011
Abusive SIL ruining r/ship with ILs
7
Sun, 10-23-2011 - 11:47pm

Hello everyone!

This is my first time posting here. I've been creeping for a while and see that a lot of great advice has been given. I'm really hoping you wonderful people can help me out too!

I am having problems with my DH's sister that have unfortunately gotten out of hand, and these have led to a rocky relationship with his parents too.

Here's the background story.... SInce I started dating my now DH four years ago she has been nothing but disrespectful and vindictive. She will openly insult and criticize you if you did not give her her way. For example, she used to really love the game phase 10. Every single time we went to visit the ILs we had to play this game at least once (she still lives with her parents). Needless to say one evening both my DH and I stated that we would like to play a different game. She responded by throwing a tantrum, insulting me and DH saying that he never cares for her since I came along, how he always ignores her for me and how I'm a "stupid bitch anyways"..Over a card game...did I mention she's in her mid 20's and that this is normal for her? Also, she loves to gossip and spread lies. I don't think DH has a single relative that SIL hasn't told something malicious about me behind my back to. The worst part is that even though they know that SIL is a gossip and an attention whore and that they take what she says with a grain of salt, they never do anything to stop her, so she continues. This doesn't even touch the serious issues, just the regular every day stuff.The rest of the family is used to this behaviour and whenever she insults me openly in front of them they're quick to respond with "oh, that"s just how SIL is" no matter how outrightly offensive and cruel her behaviour is.

Avatar for chimichanga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 6:24am
My two cents is Dh should e-mail/talk to his parents that SIL is ruining your relationship with them - he should be very frank with his parents. You can take only so much of SIL's behavior.If the parents don't do anything about SIL, just talk on the phone with them and be in touch thru e-mail etc. Why go thru all this tension when Internet makes life easier for you? No more visiting his parents if SIL is floating around their house.
Chimi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 10:17am

I feel for you and your DH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 12:16pm

Hi Honeybee and welcome to this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 6:35pm

I don't think there is anything to be done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2011
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 11:26pm

summergirl123 I think you really hit the nail on the head. DH's parents grew tired of holding her accountable for her behaviour years ago and since then it has just escalated. I just wish my Ils could act more like you!

Thank you to everyone else for their advice as well. Dh and I did have a frank discussion with his parents already. That is where we were told that "that's just how she is etc.. They are so desperate to have a happy family that they are making themselves oblivious to the significance of the situation. I'm hoping that if we hold our ground they will see what they're missing out on our lives. It sure isn't easy though!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 7:13pm
It might be "just how she is" but they are choosing to allow it in their house. They are choosing her over their son.

A wise person on this board taught me years ago that you can't control others, you can only control your reactions to them. So, yeah it might "be the way she is" but you don't have to deal with it, and you can leave as soon as it starts. Or not go over at all given that she treats you so poorly.

True story. My dad said he would never stop smoking. Then my sister got preggo. He said he would never give it up. He DH told him that, fine, in his house he can choose to smoke. They will choose not to bring the baby over as they don't want the baby around the smoke. He quit before the baby was born.

If his parents want to see you, they will deal with SIL, force boundaries when you are around. If they don't, just stay away. At Christmas, if she starts up, bail. You don't need to be around her. His parents will see you are serious, and perhaps it will cement that some things are not acceptable. As long as you are a united front (as you seem to be).

And maybe she will grow up as well.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 3:06pm

HoneyBee,

Your SIL is my SIL to a T.