Advice on this situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2013
Advice on this situation
3
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 12:21pm

Hello,

I have always gotten along very well with my husbands parents. They are divorced. I got along very well with his mom so well in fact that a few years back before our home was done she let me to move into her house because my living situation wasn't the greatest and I think she looked at me as a daughter (being she had none). We were always on the phone, emailing or hanging out. My husband would joke because he was always the last to know things because his mom came to me. Anyway now with his dad and step mom they are very nice people just not as close. We get together on the holiday, or their like tell ___ hi or stop into my work, but now it's just holidays to.

Well I don't know what happened but I am very frustrated but more hurt I think. My father passed away many years ago and that was a devastating unexpected loss for me and I just lost my mom this past summer. So now all I have is my brother and sister and were not close at all. So I basically feel as if I have no family left. And my husband isn't the best help with that because when I cry and tell him I feel like I have nobody he says "well I know you don't have a family like mine".

My husbands mother was very nice to me when my mom passed and oh if there's anything you need I'm here for you etc. But after that she just basically dropped me. I don't get invited for lunches anymore on the weekends, she doesn't call to talk, no more emails, she used to invite me to go places with her, I'm not invited to family get togethers anymore (like b-day parties I find that their was a happening on face book). Used to be invited down to make Christmas cookies found out that happened already. It was just like she forgot who I was and the only time she knows me is if she needs something from me for herself or someone else. And than when I do the favor or let something of mine be used it is totally taken overboard and never asked can we use it longer or I never get get a much as a thank you. And when she does ever talk to me all she ever says is oh I'm just so busy.

I just feel really bad that she did this to me in general as close as we were but especially after I lost my own mom. Now the last time she got a hold of me was for a thanksgiving get together and once we were done eating and my husband went back out to work she was getting things together to basically get me out of there to leave right away (so unlike before she would want me to never leave).

And I know my husband sees it to, he never says much to me. He always used to say did you talk to my mom? He has stopped asking that. They have a family business so he is always there daily, on weekends and even holidays so she always knows where he will be (he is kind of controlled by the family but that is a whole another story). I guess the way I'm being treated I really have no interest in attending Christmas at either of his parents homes this year. I don't know maybe I'm being wrong? I just don't want to put myself through that the way I am feeling and also I am having a hard time dealing with the first Christmas without my mom.

I thought about talking to his mom about it but than I thought to myself it really wouldn't do me any good because just like my husband it ends up all my fault and no wrong on their end what so ever and I don't want to make anything worse but I just can't imagine what I did wrong!! So I don't know, I guess I just need to know if I am being wrong for not going or even feeling the way I do? I know my husband may be a bit bothered about it but it won't really matter to him all that much, he is also to busy most of the time to even notice. Thanks for your thoughts..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 2:15pm

It does seem really strange that once you were close and now your MIL is basically ignoring you--have you asked your DH to try to find out if something went on or if your MIL was offended by something you did that maybe you didn't know about?  I do think that if you just don't go to her house on Christmas it will certainly not improve the situation, howeer.  And do you invite her to do things with you, come to your house for dinner, etc?  If so, does she come or make an excuse?    You keep mentioning that she doesn't invite you places but maybe since you are an adult, she would like to be invited to do things sometimes too.

Avatar for chimichanga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 7:10am

Not much advice, Babydoll, except to second what MusicLover said. Maybe you un-intentionally did/say something to your MIL? Ask your DH if he has any ideas.

Reg: feeling that you have nobody, I am right there with you  and totally understand your feelings. My dad also unexpectedly passed away in India 2 years ago and that was a huge blow. Mom is alone in India in a retirement home and becoming forgetful and yet refuses to move in with me. Brother overseas and not close at all - I can't even visit my home country now because there is nobody and  I just cannot deal with this some days (I cry lots in the bathroom and try not to get depressed). Good luck to you and me on this front.

Chimi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2013
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 10:20am

Yes maybe I will have to ask her. Thank you for the advice. Chimi, I'm so sorry that you are in the same situation as myself with feeling alone. I feel terrible for you. It gets very lonely and I also find myself crying often. I'm sending you hugs!!!
Take Care.