always at mommy and daddys

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
always at mommy and daddys
15
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 3:57pm
I actually like my in laws.....however, whenever my DH has days off, he is ALWAYS at their house! Either just there to visit ALL DAY or they put him to work at their place. He never EVER does anything at our house! In fact he laid hardwood for his mom, but wont finish off the last bit of our flooring! It drives me insane! He is always doing stuff for them, which is fine, great that he helps them out, but then everything at our house gets neglected. I work all week and then when I get home on the weekends Im working extra hard to get everything done around the house, stuff that he should have been doing, from cleaning up behind himself (he gets weird days off, some of his days off are while Im working)so Im doing laundry, yard stuff, house repairs, gneral cleaning that he could have done for me while he had days off.....but no, guess where he is....

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 4:30pm

What does he say when you confront him about it?

Honestly, I would change the locks and leave a suitcase on the porch or take it to his Mommy's house and leave it. Since he wants to live there, obviously, and doesn't care to make a home with his wife, he should have his wishes granted, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:01pm
start doing just your laundry if he's not getting the picture yet. leave his stuff where it is. it may drive you crazy, but he may get fed up with it too. it's not fair to you if you're both working to have to pick up after both of you with no help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:36pm

Well, it sounds like you need to start by having a little chat w/him. Have you done that? If so, what has he said?

You see, the problem is, you LIKE your in-laws now and he should want to keep it that way. Perhaps if he saw the situation as destructive and realized that he could very well be jeopardizing *your* relationship with his parents then he'd put his actions to a screeching hault. I suggest you tell him how your worried that you may begin to resent his parents if he doesn't start doing things around his own house first. Say it nicely, and come from the standpoint that you really love (or like, whichever you prefer) his parents and you are concerned that those feelings might change if his behavior doesn't.

Let us know what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:17pm

Hi Goddess_canada3, welcome!

Have you talked to your husband about this? Have you told him that you wind up doing the things that he could have done on his days off if he was at the house instead of at his Mommy's house? What does he say? If he gives you excuse after excuse or doesn't want to make an effort, then I agree that you need to start just doing your own thing. Do your own laundry and let him do his own. When he has no clothes to wear, then he'll have to start doing something. When he makes a mess with plates, etc. leave them wherever they are at and let him do the clean up. If he can help at his parents' house, he can sure help at his own house! Let him do the yardwork and general maintenance on the house. Do your own thing with cooking, laundry, etc. if that is the way he wants it. When he asks you why certain things aren't done, you can remind him that you spoke to him about it and that he isn't pulling nearly his fair share around the house, so now he can do his own laundry, etc. Let him know that you are his wife and not his maid.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:47pm

I tend to agree with the others about not doing "for him", and I would add a suggestion to hire out the home repairs and maintenance jobs if it wouldn't create a financial hardship. Any whining on his part could be met with a (calm, NOT sarcastic or accusing tone) reply that you were tired of waiting for him.

And of course this is *if* you've already tried *verbal* communication with him.

{{{hugs}}}

I hope he "gets it", and I do wish you the best.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 11:46am

Thanks everyone!

K, so we have talked about it. He always claims that he doesnt get to visit with his parents that much, or doesnt help them out that much...ya ok!
And then we really get into it when I tell him Im tired of picking up behind him (oh I have left his laundry, and his plates, and it drives me insane) he just leaves it and leaves it he will never pick it up, when he does, it sits on the counter...but thats another issue haha. Anyway, when I tell him I'm tired of it, he always gets defensive and claims to pick up behind himself and ME! hahaha that one always makes me laugh, I wonder what the crap he thinks he is picking up behind me?? A cup I am still using? what I dont get it. Anyway, I know part of the problem is that his mom who he is very very very close to, she was and still is a stay at home mom, who has a spotless home (the woman doesnt go to bed some nights and when she does its like 3:00 am) that is her choice, he did chores and stuff growing up....but more times than not she did a lot of things for him, so I think subconsiously in his head he figures if he just leaves it it will take care of itself.
Hello I work outside of the house and then I work at home too! I think he just expects me to be like his mom, and I have told him it will never happen. He has finally got that picture...I think. Well at least I dont hear "Mom does it different than you" that always caused WW3! haha but I guess the root of this thing is really he is very close with his mom and that is great, but he holds her up on this pedistal, so if his parents call he is there in a heart beat, and where am I?? Coming home afterwork to a mess.

Does this all make sense??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:49pm
Sucky! I would very calmly explain that you are at the end of your rope as far as this issue is concerned. Either he spends more time at home and less at his parents, or you are going to consider marriage counselling as a prelude tomaybe seperating. I know that sounds super harsh, but maybe he really doesn't understand that if you are feeling alone and nto appreciated in a relationship, that is NOT ok. Too often people just give up and leave, and it soudns as if the rest of your relationship is awesome. I would lay it out in very simple terms, with very little extra arguing about small things like laundry. Just explain that you feel like you're alone in this relationship, that is not ok, and he needs to make some changes. If he is willing to try, are you at all able to hire a cleaning perosn even for an hour a week? Just to help keep things moving smoothly, might be an idea....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:22pm

Picture the scene. In walks your DH...

Goddess_canada3: Who are you?
DH: I'm your husband. (is she going nuts, he thinks to himself).
Goddess_canada3: My husband...? Ah! My husband!
DH: Yeah. Who else? (she's definitely going nuts, he thinks)
Goddess_canada3: I'm glad you reminded me. Just as well we don't have kids. They wouldn't know who you are either.
DH: What do you mean by that?

Then you tell him!

Nah, that's a bit sarky isn't it?



“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.” aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 3:19pm

Yes it's deliciously snarky, but he seems to have "subtle" going *whoosh* right over his head. :o)

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:02pm

<>

Perhaps we should wrap it up in a house brick?



“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.” aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007

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