Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
Am I being selfish and unreasonable?
3
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 1:18am

My bf and I have been together for 9 years and have a 5 yr old son. My family is small and we enjoy each others company on the holidays but have little traditions other than getting together to open presents on Christmas Eve and having lunch on Christmas Day And spending time together. His family do a secret Santa bc they don't have much money and that is ok. We open secret Santa stuff on Christmas Eve with them but after the grand kids were corn they want to spend Christmas Day with us too. His family live an hour away where as mine is here in town. Usually we spend thanksgiving at one house or the other bc our families just don't mingle that much and we have always split Christmas so we can see both families. This year we had plans to go to his nanas house for thanksgiving. My bf had to work so it would have been just me and our son. I found out three days before that my family had not gotten it together for thanks giving. Everyone thought everyone else was putting it together. Well my dad just found out he is sick, my grandmas is 80 and burns everything and my little sister can't cook. My aunt and older sister were coming down bit wouldn't be here till the night before. i called his mom and let her know my family needed help and I wanted them to have a goothanksgiving and I would be staying here to help them out. She seemed ok with that. Well I found out she blew up on thanksgiving bc of it and even put on facebook how she was sorry the holidays meant so much to her and that she trying to keep holiday traditions sacred! Wtf! Even my bf was mad. I told him I felt like my family needed me and I wasn't going to let their thanksgiving bee ruined. Then there comes the plan for Christmas. I have been asking for days what theory were doing and I would plan with my family what was left like I always have. Again I have my aunt and sister coming from out of town and the wants to take up both days of Christmas. I asked my bf when we would spend it with my family and he said well u spent thanksgiving with them. What the hell. He said by me wanting to try and spend Christmas with them was me thinking about only me. We end every tether holiday out of the year with them. my mother loves out of town six hours away taking care of her mom. I never get to go and see them with me being in nursing school. One very summer his family wants to take a small vacation and I go with them. They make plans first and when I try and make a small weekend with my family he says well mama wanted us to do that and I can't get off all those days only one weekend. So we spend more time with his family. I know I only have three family members in town my dad little sister and grandma and they don't go do much anymore my sister works and don't have a lot of money grandam is old and my dad is kinda a hermit so when he does get out kit is a treat for me and my son. So by trying to spend my time split up he says I am only thinking of myself . Is this right? Am I being selfish? His mom is already pissed at me for thanksgiving I am ready for her to blow up at Christmas. And the love to wait till the last min to tell u anything! His dad is more understanding and my family has never fussed about the lack of time spemnfd with them...please help!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 1:49am

Why don't you invite everyone to your home?  Even if it's crowded!  Then no one will have to complain about it.  If it's too much cooking for you, ask others to bring part of the dinner.  When I was first married and started having children, even though both families lived only 1/2 hour or 45 minutes away, it was really hard going from one to the other with small kids.

I made dinner for both holidays and invited them all.......and we all had a great time.  Before I was married, my Mom's family got together for thanksgiving.......the hostess made the Turkey, and everyone else brought part of the dinner.......mashed potatoes, veggies, desert.........it was fun for everyone! 

They can't make a big deal over things like that unless you let them.  If you offer.....they can't complain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 8:39am
Thanks but I have tried it. My bf complains and says that they are all coming down here all the time and we have to go up there too. I told him what does it matter whose house we are at if we are all together and have a good time. He says that it's selfish to not want to go to their place. I'm not sure why his mom wants to have it at their nanas all the time. We can't go to his moms house bc it is a mess, bugs roam the place and their yard has about 9 cars in it that doesn't work and a hundred cats and dogs. Not to mention the nasty carpets and the fact that they never clean and I do mean never. They ripped up the carpet in the den (they have a triple wide trailer) down to the subfloor and never put anything else down. So their house is out but his nanas they always go to and it is starting to get bad. Almost 2 years ago her house burned down bc she was a hoarder and when something sparked it went up in flames. I've tried every angle I can think of. All I can do is pray these holidays go smoothly and the fuss doesn't continue. But I wish I could really make her mad for a reason and not something silly lol. I figured I would just keep to myself this year except for our son and just ignore her if I can. I don't know what else to do

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 2:22pm

When I was married my DH's family lived pretty close by but my family was an hour away--we always used to go to his family on Xmas eve and to my family on Xmas day.  I do think it is selfish of your BF to want to spend both eve & day w/ his family & not see your family at all on Xmas.  I think he is the one who is thinking only of himself.  I think you should tell him that you will go to his family on either day (he can pick) but you are going to spend some time w/ your family on Christmas and it's up to him if he wants to go or not.