Am I wrong???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Am I wrong???
9
Mon, 03-04-2013 - 5:00pm

Okay so it has been 10 months since we have been around my inlaws.  For those that don't know it has been five years since I married my DH and his family has gone mad because I didn't pick his sister to be my bridesmaid.  Yeah I know silly right?  Well his family have been extremely disrespectful to keep and my DH and our son.  They come and speak only to my DH and our DS and act like I am not even there.  Just one example of their shenanigans.  Anywho after all of the years dealing with it I said enough is enough.  My DH doesn't say anything and they just continue to do things.  Well now MIL thinks it is cute to send cards for Christmas and Valentines for them and not me. Oh and gifts too.  My husband doesn't think it is anything wrong with it because we (me and our son) haven't been around.  Now my issue is this.  His family has been trying to exclude me from the day we told them about the wedding.  Just last month he asked me not to come around his family and send him and our son for a while until things get better. Really?!?!?  Of course I declined heavily and told him to tell them to stay away.  He said that he didn't mean anything by it but he just wants to make things better.......better for who?  His mom comes to our sons games and is still rude to me.  She barely speaks and never says goodbye to me, but hugs and kisses everyone else...My question is do you all think I am wrong for 1. Stopping his family from seeing us.  2. Wanting them to treat me like I am his wife and not some piece if trash on the street.  3. Demanding it or we won't be around.  There is a whole lot more to this story but I am t ying to sum it all up to where we are now.

If you need more history just let me know.....sometimes you need to hear more of the story to make an honest suggestion.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-04-2013 - 7:48pm

So sorry to hear your story.  I get a lot of that on Making a Second Marriage Work, because what you are describing often happens to the second DW.  

My short answer is to your #2.  They can at least treat you like his DW, regardless of whether or not they like you.  This has to start with your DH, and that is the tricky part.  Your DH needs to insist they are at least respectful to you.  There is nothing wrong with occasionally seeing your parents without your spouse.  All parents like to spend a little time with their kids, or grandkids, alone.  So be careful not to make that seem like a bad things.  

So, without knowing your whole story, those are my thoughts.  Blood is important, but your marriage still needs to have a degree of priority over parents, etc.  Your DH needs help seeing that.

Serenity - CL Making a Second Marriage Work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 11:39am

Thank you Serenity1986 for you thoughts and comment.  The reason that we have decided not to go around them anymore is because most of his family since our wedding planning stages (5 yrs ago) do not speak to me for any reason they can think of when we come around.  They basically act like I am not there and they do it right in front if his and our DS face.  Then the final straw was when I gave my DH a surprise bday party last year and did everything in my power to invite ALL of his family and close friends.  I told his mother and aunt when they were over for our Super Bowl party (thats another story) what I was going to do.  This was a whole month before the party date.  I made invitations, had food catered and special food for one of his family members family of vegetarians, we had a DJ in which I made sure had a very diverse selection of music since we were having people of different age groups attend.  I sent the invites out 2 weeks early as we have had several issues about "my" invitations in the past (Things like wanting me to send more than one invite to a persons home with multiple families living in it, instead of one general invite for the whole group...smdh).

When the party came and we all said "surprise", they started in on me with my DH.  His aunt started asking him about me not sending an invitation to her son (we have no address for him), eventhough we sent and invite to her home with "and Family" on the invite and we also sent one to her daughter too.  The aunt babysits the daughter of her son so he comes to her home twice a day to get his daughter.  Because we don't have an address for him, I just knew it would be no problem sending it to her home like we have ALWAYS done with no problems attached.  But this time, I was excluding her son.  And because my invitation said "invitation only" on it becaue we were having it in our home and that can only hold so many people AND it was a catered event, his aunt felt that meant her son could not come.....BUT she thought it was alright to bring one of their family friends instead......SWIM?  Not only that, MIL went in also!  You would have thought she didn't get an invite as much as she had to say.  She sent him a txt that talked about me and everything I meant behind my invitation for his party, she even said that I was rude to those that did come while they were in our home.  Mind you he was right there the whole time and didn't see anything, but according to them, several things happend during that party in which I was rude the them and only them......

They talked about me in our home to all of our friends that were at the house before the party.  We were told immediately during the party what happened.  Then, half of his family decided not to come since they could not bring their teen-aged children and this was a "grown-up" event.  Our son was not going to be there either for that very same reason - grown-up party.  Instead of coming to the party I hosted for my husband, his family decided to host a dinner for him the very next day.  They did not RSVP to my event, but insisted wanted me to RSVP to theirs for the very next day and was upset when I didn't come.

They make a HUGE deal every year about our sons bday party and we don't know why.  Last year they were not going to be invited becaue they are too disrespectful to me in our home and that is where the party was.  When they asked about the party, we went ahead and told them they could come (they had no idea we were discussing them not coming). None of them showed up. I think they were under the impression they were not giong to be invited and wanted to make more drama and since they were, they didn't know how to react so they didn't come at all.

And that is just one story out of the whole 5 years.  Me and his sister have had an physical altercation and his mother made that happen as they were at my mothers home and refused to leave...just a bunch of mess that over time I know is no good for our son.  I feel that their actions are being done in front of our son and that will only teach him that treating people that way is alright and it is not.  My DH is really acting blind to THEIR actions and told me that not going around and not letting our DS go is going over board.  I disagree...they have done countless things to disrespect me including calling DH's ex on the holiday and the whole family telling her how much they miss her and asking to send pix of her son in which they walked around and showed everyone...all while I am sitting right there.  They don't offer me anything to eat, drink, or take my coat, but will do all of the above for my son and husband...again right in front of his face.  So I do agree that family is important, but at what cost?  Do I just ignore what they do for the sake of "family" in which they act like I am not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 1:06pm

Family may be important, but these people aren't family.  They are dysfunctional nut cases.  Your husband is at least enabling, at worst, as dysfunctional as they are.  I'd stop having events for them. 

Kids aren't thrilled with birthday parties that end up causing fights and tension, so have a kid party for him with his friends and don't invite a pile of crazy relatives. 

Don't arrange events to celebrate birthdays for crazy relatives.  Save your time, money, effort and sanity and just don't do it.  If your husband wants to do something with a cousin on the cousin's birthday, let the two of them go out to dinner, go bowling, go to the golf course or whatever and give yourself the gift of a spa day where you can remove yourself from the nonsense and the stress.

I don't mean this as rude, but they say the definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  You aren't going to change these people, especially if they're getting away with being the way they are and you play doormat for them.  Instead, just refuse to play. 

Your husband is a BIG problem here in that he plays deaf and blind around them and pretends not to see their rudeness.  My husband did that for a while with his Mom, but finally figured out it wasn't his mother he woke up with every morning and he suddenly started seeing and hearing things he'd ignored in the past.  I stopped playing MIL's games.  When she got nasty when we were at her house, I picked up my car keys and went shopping leaving hubby alone to deal with her.  He discovered it wasn't as much fun visiting her as he had thought it was.  When he stopped listening to her nastiness, she tried bullying him, but he is pretty much bully-proof.  One time she REALLY pushed my buttons, and I finally let it all out, telling her how I felt and how I was way past putting up with her.  She played the "poor grandma" card, when I finished, and was in total shock when my husband walked over to ME (instead of her) and asked "are you ok?"  His coming to console ME instead of her was a real wake-up call for her, and she changed after that.  Not perfect, but better.

Stop trying to please them...you probably won't ever please them because they don't want to be pleased...they want to complain and cause problems.   If your husband continues to play deaf and blind, perhaps a few visits with a marriage counselor would help.  You've done everything you could to make things nicey-nice with them...it isn't working.  Good luck!

Avatar for 3togetready
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-1999
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 1:15pm

I would move far away from these people. If that is not possible I would not allow my child to be around them Since they treat your badly right in front of your son he is going to grow up thinking that it is ok to treat you and other people that way. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 1:28pm

Missie,

Sorry I've been MIA for a while - LOL but I know your story very, very well and you and I have experienced so many things - just that I've been doing it a bit longer than you have :).  

So - you also know what my response will be - same as some of the good ones below.  ARE YOU WRONG - Hell NO!  Pardon my language but your DH is throwing you under the bus and he is not defending you like he should!  This whole idea or notion that a marriage can be successful if a partner allows people (especially family) treat their spouse like your inlaws are treating you is ludicrous.  It cannot be successful and your DH is taking the easy way out - and catering to his mommy, daddy and who else is behind this nonsense. 

You know that you can't change these people - right?  But, that doesn't mean their behavior is acceptable and should be allowed.  This idea that they can be at games for your children, send cards to them and exclude you - all the other crap that I'm sure they have done and that your DH thinks it is best just to let them?  That's so horrible and not just for you.  What message is he sending his children?  That it is okay to let someone (for whatever reason) treat someone you care about this badly and not stand up to them and for what is right?

I cut my inlaws out of my life finally last July.  One letter explaining the main three reasons why and that was that.  I did not contact them any further and have gone on to live my life without them being present.  I didn't give the ultimatium to my DH or my grown boys but I did speak for my youngest who is only 10.  I have that right as his parent.  

DH hasn't had much contact and while these people have had the ability to stay in touch with my older kids and DH - they've done almost nothing to do so.  Yet, they have still done stupid things like the Valentine's Day card that I sent back in February with an email to the inlaws that said to stop sending these cards.  I went into much more detail but I made it clear that they were not to be sent.

It's funny, they had the opportunity to send stuff directly to our college children for Christmas - yet did not.  They had the opportunity to make a call to DH or the older boys for Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. and did not.  Yet, they had to send a late bday card to myself which was Returned and then the Valentine's Day card to our son which again was returned.

My point - they are still up to their game playing!  They don't like it at all when I stop them.  But again, that's what needed to be done for me and that's what needs to be done for you.  

Your DH needs to realize that what he is doing is two fold.  First, he's saying that it is okay for them to treat you like this.  And second, he is stopping any possibility (no matter how small it is) of them ever fixing this problem and being a real part of your families lives.

He is in denial if he says otherwise.  My DH didn't think so and after the cut off the inlaws had their big anniversary party.  He went and then later about a month, fil and sil had their bdays and DH called them both - again to be the bigger person.  He kept telling me he felt he needed to etc.  I finally was able to convince him that what happens when he does this is that they take any little scrap of anything and turn it all into "see summergirl is the evil one and DH doesn't agree with her at all).  We can continue doing exactly what we want since our son agrees with us.  

Ironically, while I think a light bulb finally went on in his head - it was reinforced by a voice message just recently that his dad left on DH's phone.  this message came after the Valentine card was returned and my last email was sent. 

His dad flat out said very angrily and demading that he thought everything was fine with him/them since he had come to the Ann. Party and since the calls on their bdays.  He said "something must have gone terribly wrong on the trip we took (my dh, kids and I) at Christmas - because basically in his eyes - his son didn't see things the way I did.  But I know that DH didn't indicate this it was just these people figuring out a way to justify their own horrible behavior.

And, since I knew that it was wrong to allow my son to be around these people who couldn't treat him, myself or his father with respect - and that I had cut them off from him.  I explained to DH that he is also ruining any chance (no matter how small and no matter how long it could take) for our youngest to ever have grandparents who care - because until they change he's without  them and until they know they have to change or lose their son and grandchild, then they never will have a reason to.

Anyhow - sorry this is sooooooo long.  But, I do believe that they put you in this position and now it is time for your DH to stand up and be a man.  There is no way I'd let my son go be around these people and if he (DH)doesn't see that - I'd wonder what kind of DH he's going to be 20 years from now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 3:36pm

Thank you everyone....

I knew I wasn't wrong, but sometimes when you are in the situation it can get real cloudy.  My DH and I believe it or not do actually have a good relationship (outside of them).  However, this situation weighs heavily on us as you may already know.  I do feel like he is throwing me under the bus every chance he gets when they complain and he tried to make them "feel better".  We talked about her coming to the game just this past Saturday.  She spoke in a very rude tone and then said goodbye to everyone but me.  SO I told my DH that she is NOT welcomed to anymore games period.  And this is how the convo goes....you ready?:

ME: Since your mother comes to the games with such an attitude with me and shows it publically, maybe it is best that she doesn't come again.

Him: She came to see our DH, and she did speak so what is the problem?

Me: Problem is...she made sure to speak to everyone but me (right in your face) and when I went to speak to her, she did speak....but with a huge and obvious attitude.  Then when she left she told my aunt goodbye, hugged our son and told him bye and then the two of you walked to the door where she preceeded to give you a hug and say bye.  Thus leaving only one person hehind...guess who that is?  So since it is so painfully obvious that she still has this problem (this is like the 5th basketball game added to about 10 baseball games) and I have asked you to let her know how she needs to treat me when she is around me (the same way he expects me to treat her - with respect) and you haven't, If she attends another game I will tell her that she is not welcome and walk away with our son.  She then can continue to talk to you since that is fair to you.

Him: She already can't see her gs and now you are going to teach him not to speak?

Me: With my mouth as wide opened as yours probably is lol said so it is alright for her to teach him that lesson?  If you think it is alright for her not to speak to me and right in front of him, what is it that she is teaching him?

He had the most silly look on his face.  I do agree with the comment about how he will (my dh) act in 20 years and it scares me.  We have done marriage counseling and he was given some things that he can do in regards to his mother and he just doesn't seem to be able to do that.  Yes she plays the feel-sorry-for-grandma card, but it doesn't move me.  My mother is alive and just can't understand why and how his mother is even able to treat someone in this manner and yet still think she has a "right" to her grandson.

I was even told that it was a shame that she can't see her grandchild, when this is life and grandmothers are important!  I think that it is a shame that people try to make life so miserable for others and then in return expect that same person to "give" to them.  

It has been a long time and yes Summergirl123 I am standing my grounds.  It has been almost a year since we have been around and I will have to say this has been the least amount of stress for me in 5 years.

Thanks all and I will keep you posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 3:56pm

Good for you!  I'm so glad you continue to do what you know has to be done.  These mil's are so obvious in their behaviors and yet our DH's are just so blind.  But I believe that it is selected blindness just as it is selected denail from our mil's of any wrong doing.  My favorite excuse from my mil when I know I have her cornered is- her poor frail memory has faulted as she protests in a feeble teary eyed voice- LOL.

I did want to say one other thing.  I do know firsthand how difficult it is to stand up to these people and in doing so a price is absolutely going to be paid by everyone.  I do not have denial about that.  But, what I also know for a fact is that the situation was far worse and the price I had to pay was far higher when I struggled without saying anything - without standing up to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 5:00pm

You are so right Summergirl123.  The price is high, but not anywhere close to the price paid already!  I am so glad for this board and again Thank you for your comments and always being there to give advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 7:10pm

Just read this thread.  Like others said, your hubby is the main problem. Whatever else happens, your husband needs to grow some balls and firmly tell his mom that her and the others disrespecting you is going to stop.  Period.  Lather, rinse,repeat when necessary.  He needs to drive this bus and mean it. As long as he stands by and lets them treat you poorly, you, mom and the others are going to continue in this cycle.  

If you and your husband aren't on the same page, the other two questions don't matter.  You forcing rules on him that he doesn't agree with won't sovle the problem.  If he is so lost in his family disfunction that he doesn't see the problem, the problem will continue.