Back again and I am posting this time asking you all how to be happy with my inlaws living with me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
Back again and I am posting this time asking you all how to be happy with my inlaws living with me
5
Mon, 11-18-2013 - 7:27am

I have posted my situation a few times regarding specific incidents maybe about the inlaws but I was hoping you all would help with the larger picture.

We are originally from India and Dh and his brother are the two kids for my ILs. As soon as the grandkids were being born, ILs started visiting us and now they have migrated here with citizenship. At first it was all nice and cute but now I think they should go back to their lives in India ( I think dual citizenship is allowed but that's not the point). They have a home there and a great social life but they keep staying with us 6- 8 months at a time. I really cherish my privacy without anyone asking me,"where are you going now? Didn't you just come back from the store? When did you buy this new pant?" etc etc.

The problem is ILSs are nice folks, MIL will cook and FIl will watch the kids. But MIL is also gossipy and sorta follows me around the house - they live their lives through us now. The general expectation is we will take them wherever we go etc. BIL/SIL/Dh are happy with them staying with us for 6 months at a stretch and I am the one who cannot deal with ILs 24/7.

So how can I mentally be at peace with them in the house? I do work p/t and I take kids around for their activities, so I am out of the house quite a bit. But this is still not enough for me. I keep telling myself they are in their 70s (but in good health) and it is my duty to care for them but this doesn't cut it. Can you all give me words of wisdom to reconcile myself to this situation?

Thank you so much,

Chimi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Not knowing the etiquette and culture of your background, I can only say what I would do. There's a reason why there's a saying, "There can only be one queen bee in the hive." What woman wants another woman in her home using her pots and pans and bathing in her bathtub? You are the lady of the house. Does your opinion not matter? What if you said to your husband, one month a year is a reasonable visit for your parents. More than that is stressful to me and I feel it's no longer my home and I don't want to be home when it's so crowded with others half of the year. We need to set boundaries." If he agrees, don't let him tell your parents that it was your decision. Tell him you two need to be a united front and tell him to word it that it is a family decision. Explain that you don't want them to have animosity against you. You enjoy their company, but on much shorter visits. If he doesn't agree with you and refuses to talk with them, I suggest counseling so he can hear a professional's take on the situation. If he refuses to go, you go by yourself to show him the seriousness of the matter. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Not knowing the etiquette and culture of your background, I can only say what I would do. There's a reason why there's a saying, "There can only be one queen bee in the hive." What woman wants another woman in her home using her pots and pans and bathing in her bathtub? You are the lady of the house. Does your opinion not matter? What if you said to your husband, one month a year is a reasonable visit for your parents. More than that is stressful to me and I feel it's no longer my home and I don't want to be home when it's so crowded with others half of the year. We need to set boundaries." If he agrees, don't let him tell your parents that it was your decision. Tell him you two need to be a united front and tell him to word it that it is a family decision. Explain that you don't want them to have animosity against you. You enjoy their company, but on much shorter visits. If he doesn't agree with you and refuses to talk with them, I suggest counseling so he can hear a professional's take on the situation. If he refuses to go, you go by yourself to show him the seriousness of the matter. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Avatar for chimichanga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
THank you Safire. Not sure if counseling is an option but I am hoping ILs go on a trip to India soon:-)). Thank you for your reply. Chimi
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
I know little about other cultures. But when it comes to women, there can only be on cook in the kitchen. I disagree with you that it is your duty to care for these people. That assumes that were were given life only to care for them in their old age. I don't think that at all. We are in our 70s and it's in no way our kid's duty to take care of us. Your mother-in-law might feel she can do more for you than she is, lightening your load. She knows what it's like to be your age from experience. Let her be gossipy as long as you don't give her grist for the mill. I think I would take advantage of her 6 months stay and take some classes while they are here. Let her enjoy taking the load off you. Unless there is some unsaid personality trait, maybe she is just trying hard to be the best mother-in-law she can be and is over doing it. I hope that is the case. Best of luck to you.
Avatar for chimichanga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
Oldvine, MIL has told me that her sons have to care for them in their old age and I just kept quiet or it'd have led to an argument against my "American" thinking. In our culture, it is indeed expected that seniors will move in with their kids at some point in their lives. My mom is disappointed that my brother is not taking her in while I totally understand my brother's views on this subject. Maybe I will get good karma if I just be quiet and let them stay with me for months on end??! Chimi