BIL moving back to states..how 2 say no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
BIL moving back to states..how 2 say no?
11
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 3:38pm

BIL is coming back from overseas along with a new wife soon. They have little $, no jobs, no car, no place to stay, etc. He hasn't come right out and asked if he can move back in with us yet. Have a hunch he will. I do not want him staying with us again. For those who've read my previous posts, you'll know why. It is more of a hassle and no amount of money is worth dealing with him.

Within the last 4 or 5 days, we've gotten 2 emails announcing his return. The 2nd email we got, BIL addressed it to both hubby and I. He stated how they are looking at their options(limited) and how they are "open" to any suggestions or ideas we may have. He also put how it really burns him up to live on the other side of town being too far from us(only 30 min drive). I think he is hoping we will offer him and new wife a place to live upon their return. He knows how unhappy and anxious I was to get rid of him before, so this is his way of approaching us(me). He also mentioned how his son(lives with mom) is coming to live with him and new wife. He also has a daughter too and their having problems with step-dad, so she would probably wind up here too!

We haven't emailed him back yet. My first thought is to tell BIL how we have no room for them as we are having a baby and my mother will be coming out as well. I also feel like mentioning to BIL to go online and research online apartments and housing, so they are all set when they get here. I don't know why they purchased their airline tickets if they don't know where their living.

He also mentioned in his 2nd email, how they want to start having all their belongings shipped out but need an address. I am not up to doing this and finally stopped getting his mail delivered. My hubby is working out of town a lot lately and I went with him this trip to get away. How should I handle this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 3:55pm

"How should I handle this?"

BOLDLY!!! If you don't want him living there again, just let him know up front that will not work. Just don't allow yourself to get suckered into having him and his family to stay with you even temporarily. Stand firm!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 8:51pm

How does your husband feel about it? It's important that you have a united front. And since it's your husband's brother your husband is the one who should tell your BIL. Start with your husband and if need be, let him know that it's you or his brother. That's what I would do.

cantbecontrolled

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 2:58am

OMG...Honey, honey, honey!

 

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:15pm
You and Dh need to tell him that you don't have any room for them. You are expecting a baby, and that you need to be able to bond with him or her as a family. You and Dh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:03pm

Forget polite, or wimpy little hints about how it maybe, just kind of might not work out.

Tell him straight up that you cannot take him in, do not have space to store his stuff and you wish him well as he and his family set up their lives in the States.

If you have access to such info, send him contact info for storage units, housing assistance, etc. That may help drill it into his conciousness that these former suckers (don't mean offense, but you really did get sucked in before) are not falling into his little trap this time!

Good luck to you, and be strong!!!!

lve2read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 1:11pm
Oh heavens no, not even for one night do I want him staying here. That will only lead to more nights, more headaches and never getting rid of him, lol. He is on his own and will have to learn to figure out his life on his own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 2:28am
You are completely right. No more suckers around here. Been there, done that! He should've thought this whole thing out before purchasing his airline tickets where they will live when they land. Apparently, he thought we may have a "soft heart" now that he is married and take him again along with the new wife. NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 2:52am

Okay. I sent BIL the email a few nights ago. I told him that we do not(and will NOT) have any room to take them, offered ideas and suggestions too. We received an email last night from him stating how he is going to stay there until next summer, when it is more feasable for him to come back with her and have $. Cool, thought he understood me, he is off my(ours) back.

Tonight, we received an email from him and in part of it, he stated "If there is a way I can stretch here till next summer, that may be the way to go. But I don't want a situation where I am away from wife's name for more than a couple of weeks, tops." Is he again implying he'd like to stay with us until next summer or stay where he is at now?

I just emailed him back again and said it is not going to work out having you here, make other arrangements, impossible. I gave him more suggestions and places to check out for places to live/stay and even mentioned how it may benefit them staying where their at until they have some cash saved up to be able to move right into a place upon their return and eat, lol.

I find it comical that he is now addressing me as well in his recent emails. He stopped doing it once I got on his case about getting his mail here and playing bill collector, lol. Now, he is sucking up, lol. It won't work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 2:00am

Good for you NH! It's hard to do but you're sticking to your boundaries. It is funny that he's addressing you now too. He sounds like a master manipulator.

cantbecontrolled

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 8:10pm
Yes it is but I have to look out for us and the little one now. If we allow him and now his wife in again, shame on us. I find it funny he was/is emailing me now hoping to worm his way back in. Jerk! I certainly hope he does not fly here and show up on our doorstep especially after he's been told you can't be here. I wouldn't put it past him.

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