iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Wed, 05-08-2013 - 4:03pm

We are having an issue with my husbands brother and SIL. The recent was them leaving our daughters birthday party this past weekend before we even sung to her.We kind of thought they would going into it and said were going to try to not be upset but of course did. They are very strict with their daughters nap schedule and leave if nap is approaching. They didn't even say goodbye just left (thier daughter was playing and happy as can be so it wasn't like she was starting to melt so they rushed out) Didn't even ask hey we need to head out do you think you guys could sing to her soon. Our children along with other's at the party still nap and we would never expect anyone to make their child miss a nap but my husbands point to his brother was they could have asked if we would be singing or better yet have taken 2 cars so SIL could go home with their daughter or BIL could have gotten a ride home with MIL & FIL who live close by and wouldn't have mind. Daughter even asked at one point where they were.This isn't the 1st time they have done this they left son's 1st birthday early along with his baptism (and BIL was his godfather) We go to their daughter's parties stay for it and help them clean up (not that I would ever expect them to clean up just be there to celebrate with child and the family) I could never imajine acting this way with our neice nor would I want to.

We had a mutual family members 1st communion the next day and a relative offered our kids a juice box. Now we don't have juice in the house, they don't have juice boxes often our pediatrician doesn't reccomend juice exc but at a party they have one once and a while and the kids think its a big deal! When this relative then offetred one to neice our SIL and BIL comment how "oh no way we wouldn't give her one she only drinks water and milk she doesnt drink juice we asked our pediatrician and she said its bad for them exc" right in front of us where our children are drinking one! I just think its insulting! They are constantly making simular remarks about different thinks when we are at family get togethers.They also were bragging about how much their daughter talks when they know our youngest who is a few months older than their daughter isn't really talking alot yet and is having a speech eval done. I know we should just try to brush it off but it because frustrating when all these things happen time and time again. We want the kids to be close and grow up in a close family relationship but its getting hard when it makes family events not something we look forward to or get upset during. Do we try to seriously talk to them one last time, do we call them out, grin and bear it?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 1:04pm

I agree with the others.  Your sil/bil seems to be willing to go to bday parties and baptisms and other things to maintain a family relationship and the issue of when they need to leave is something you should be considerate about.  The fact is, they may be overly zealous new parents with some crazy ideas of how to raise kids but that is really their business.  The smart/experienced parent knows that a juice box and a late nap is not going to reak havoc on the upbringing of a child.  But, they came to the party, left without attention and had a reasonably good reason to do so.  Maybe getting the child down for nap works best for their schedule.  It doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks it is their decision and life to live.

Personally, I would never go to a party and ask the host (even if family) to go ahead and sing or even put pressure on them to sing happy birthday song - I think that would be rude.  I also think it is really unrealistic to expect that they would drive two cars to meet your expectations.

As for the comment in the church or about the juice boxes.  I do understand how that is offensive - them doing it  as really an insult to you as the mom who let her child have a juice box.  All I can say here is that people can be very tactless and insensitive and just stupid (putting their foot in the mouth all the time).  I doubt that it was meant to slam you but the truth is, no matter what they meant , you can't take offense to it if you know it is their choice to say no to juice and that doesn't make them better parents than you.  I think also, that the bigger issue is that you maybe have your own doubts about parenting etc.  but try to understand that people around you, neighbors, teachers, friends and family are going to be opinionated.  Don't let them intimidate you - trust me...I've been around and raised two boys and am in the process of the third.  No one has all the right answers even if they act like they do.  Just take a deep breath and wait until you see some of the stupid things that your sil/bil will do and some of the mistakes that will be made.  It is inevitable.  

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 11:37am

Sorry, but the issues here are yours.  If they leave a party because it's nap time for their child, why should they ask you to hurry up the singing?  Isn't it more considerate to leave quietly rather than demand that the party go according to their schedule, or to create a scene by departing noisily?

You sound a little under-confident in your own parenting.  They have their style, you have yours.  You seem rather interested in criticizing theirs, and highly sensitive when they criticize yours.  If they can't mind their own business, YOU can take the high road anyway.

I can tell you that the days of "competitive parenting" of little ones go by rather quickly.  Soon enough your kids are doing their thing and your ILs' kids are doing theirs.  And the kids will decide whether they like being close or not.  Given how much you seem to dislike these people, I can't see why you'd want to be that close with them.  Just because they're family doesn't mean they have to be friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 12:35am

They have a problem, but then so do you!   These people do the same thing every time, you know they will, and yet you allow them to upset you.  You cannot tell other people how to raise their children, anymore than they can tell you how to raise yours.  YOU want these children to grow up close......but I doubt very much if that's their priority.  You need to chill, you need to raise your children the way you want them raised, and don't worry about how other people raise their children.  It's really none of your business.  You can't make people fit YOUR mold any more than they can make you fit theirs.  Invite them to whatever functions you want to, accept the fact that they will do as they please and leave when they want........and enjoy your function.    Your children will grow up close, or they won' can't control that either!  They may not even like each other.  There are so many more important things in life......than worrying what in-laws do or don't do.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Wed, 05-08-2013 - 9:58pm

Talking to them hasn't worked before, why would it work now? And what will calling them out accomplish -- they don't think they are doing anything wrong, so it will just lead to a fight. You don't have to grin and bear it -- you can just ignore them when they get obnoxious. And you don't have to spend a lot of time with them. I have a completely obnoxious SIL and BIL and our kids are very close, but we don't really talk to one another, we have a very shell relationship, and that is fine. You don't all have to be close.