BIL still insists on staying here..help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
BIL still insists on staying here..help!
22
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 2:05am

Last night, BIL and wife called here 5 times and played dumb because I answered the phone. They told each other nobody is there each time, so I hung up cuz no response to me. I finally had enough and took the phone off the receiver, lol. Didn't want to talk to me. Tonight when I arrived home,I noticed out of area call again. I knew it was him. Guess what? I checked our email and he sent one saying how great it was talking on the phone with him tonight. He also said that it looks like they may have found a way to get home now. If husband told them they can be here, all heck is breaking out. I also find it interesting they call here after him being there 4 months prior with no phone calls, not to us, brother or anybody else. Nor has he asked any other family member to stay there because he knows it is NO. They told me not to let him move back in. Why don't he respect me? He even got his now wife against me before he moved out and went to japan to be with her. What a great way to be introduced when she does get her. Not good.

No emails from him for over a week. My husband even emailed him back a week ago when he had a few minutes(briefly, didnt say you can be here). Hubby feels his wife wrote those emails for him, lol, and told him;) A few days ago(addressed us both), we got an email regarding how to find out some info(legal). The 2nd email addressed to both, was telling us how he opened his brokerage account finally and used our address because he needed a usa one, hope you don't mind, just throw it in a box! Jerk! What happened to asking, being polite? He knows I sent all his mail back! That peeves me off.

In the email a few nights ago to us both, he says he'd like to get here soon(city 30 mins away but was too far) before NBA season starts and would be an outrage if he misses it. The last part of this email, he slips in asking when my parents are moving in. What does he NOT get? My mother is now here and it don't matter if she is or a baby on the way. Buzz off! I've been very upfront and told him 3 times you cannot be here! This guy and his wife obviously doesn't respect me and my feelings or MY marriage, to keep pursuing this and to call brother and push it. WTH? Very disrespectful and he is playing his wife into this too. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:26pm
I have told him this 3 times via email, him and his wife cannot come here, live here, or stay here. He is trying to worm his way still after being told no. I think the only reason for his phone call is to see if mom did arrive yet and if not, show up unannounced. This guy does not understand NO!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 5:14pm

Hmmm. I wonder what he would do if you re-sent all three e-mails, from hubby's email address, in one new one (maybe with "WHAT PART OF NO DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND"? at the top or bottom if it) and *blocked* his e-mail so that his messages get bounced back to him *AND* stopped answering the 'phone? Do you have an answering machine? Will your husband be strong enough not to call back when his brother-dearest tries to push his buttons and pull his strings (if I may mix metaphors)?

Then if he does show up (the continued contact will not change that, not really. Either he is going to be ballsy enough to risk embarrassment in front of his new wife or he'll grow a new pair and do the right thing by her, whether or not you keep letting him whine and/or telling him no) be sure to have a chain on the door so that you can limit the amount it is open. Tell husband that if he thinks he'll cave in, he needs to go into your bedroom until it's over or he needs to leave with the free-loaders. Then tell BIL that you are sorry he lacks the social awareness to recognize rejection, and ask if he would rather you call a taxi for him or will he be walking to town. Any response other than "taxi please" or "I'll walk" can be met with, "Ah. You are choosing to walk. Good-bye." followed by the closing of the door.

If he throws a fit, DO NOT respond. Not even to tell him to leave. You've already done that. The next step would be to call the police.

Husband is worried about the faaaaaammmmmmllllyyy aspect? Hey, his brother doesn't care about family honor, familial love, and certainly not respect for one's family members. Has BIL shown *any* of that to your husband? (Question is for hubby, you've already answered it) Your husband needs to decide if he's your husband, life partner and co-parent to your children or doormat to his loser brother. If it's doormat, then he can go lay on a doorstep somewhere else so you don't have to deal with his brother!

So, shall I tell you how I *really* feel about your saga? ;o)

Hang in there, do what you think is best for your family (and that is you, that baby and your husband *if* he stands beside you)and remember that worrying won't change things.

I do wish you the very best.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 4:30pm

The day after BIL called here, I sent him an email back saying that is great they may have found a way to get back now(based on his email they sent hubby saying they found a way to return now after speaking to him). He never responded to it and I know he recieved it because two days after I sent the email to him, he forwarded an email to my husband about an article reagrding foreclosures. I know he got it and feel he is ignoring the issue at hand.

I've thought of contacting the phone company and seeing if they offer a service to not allow any type of blocked call to come through and if it will work internationally too. If there's a way I can do this, I will add it on to my services. That would eliminate anymore telephone calls here to hubby and tell him they still dont know where they will be upon their arrival.

My brother told me he would ignore their emails since I have already told him they cant be here. He said too bad I can't get a restraining order against him, lol. My brother thinks this guy is manipulative too. He said if I chose to, go ahead and send him one last email re-ireterating your position again, stop giving your address out(which he thinks is bogus). Since my brother is a real estate agent, he also forwarded me some rentals available in the area bil claims they want to move to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 5:51pm

BIL emails hubby via my email address, that is how they communicate since he left. Hubby rarely uses the internet/email. We do have an answering machine. They live in Japan. Three months ago when I told him to change his addy, he would not provide me with the now wife's and/or anybody else's address except to ship a box but dont give it out. We don't know their phone number either. When they called, it said out of area. Why the secretiveness?

I'm contacting the phone company to see if they offer a service to not allow any type of blocked call to come through and if it will work for international calls as well. If there's a way I can do this, I will add it on to my services. That would eliminate anymore telephone calls from them period. I won't even tell hubby I did this, LOL.

I'm afraid this guy will show up and see if he'd actually be turned away by us. he has her so convinced I am the bad guy in all this. He wasn't honest with her before he left for there of why we wanted him out. This is why she is going along with whatever he says to her. If they show up, he will hear a piece of mind, end of story. Heck, I won't even answer the door and tell hubbyI will handle this.

Back when he first started emailing us, announcing his return, he said it was on or around October 15th. THen it is to staying there a while, to don't know, and maybe we have a place now. I am not really wondering if they DO or him have a flight scheduled home in a few weeks.

Last night, hubby said it didn't come up with bil wanting to stay here during the call, so why bother addressing it? It has been 4 days since I emailed him back asking what they came up for living arrangements? He has not responded to it. I know they got it because he forwarded an email re: foreclosures on the rise. Feel he is avoiding me. Up to no good?

I don't think my hubby is afarid of what the family will think. He put up with this guy so long taking care of him, he has systematically stopped doing it. I know it is diffiuclt because my brother and myself went through this with family members ourselves. But hubby has to just get it over with already. I highly doubt BIL respects him either, wish he would see this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 8:20pm

One reason his calls say "out of area" could be because he uses a calling card. That's what I get when my mom calls and I know she uses one. Or it could be blocked.

Maybe he's protecting his address and phone number so you can't send him registered mail informing him that he is not staying with you. :o) And so you can't play his little game of calling to annoy.

Even if you *are* being painted as "the bad guy" in this situation, any self-respecting person would not force themselves in where they are so obviously not wanted. Even if he is flat out telling her that his sweet loving brother *wants* them with you, but the mean ol' wife says "no", she's as bad as he is to keep pushing. So in my opinion you should not waste much sympathy or concern on her.

Remind hubby that "silence implies consent", so if he doesn't address the issue because bil is keeping his head down, then bil could take that as hubby having no problem with his plan. Sounds like he's doing that with the e-mails, anyway.

If you can, set up your defenses, then relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. How exciting for you. Do you have names picked out? If you don't want to share them yet, that's fine.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 9:17pm

Since their in japan, called from her phone line, it won't read a japanese number, right? LOL...

Two days before he left to go there, he gave me excuses about giving us an address. Then when he wanted a box shipped to him(made him send the $ first), he coughed up an address where to ship it, but wasn't his wife's, some couple she knows. Thought that was weird.

You are so right. His wife has no respect for herself either to push this. If it were "me", I'd be telling hubby to drop it already. She obviously has no respect for herself either.

I will remind hubby that "silence is okay" and see what his response is to that one. Husband says bil has not asked to move back in on the phone or via email. I told hubby he knows he isn't wanted back from the 1st round, so he will not say it directly. This is his way of fishing, and now pushing.

Maybe I should send bil an email reminding him no means no, and include the links of those rentals my brother provided me to forward onto him. Then drop it.

We are having a boy..We are naming him William, after husband's middle name and his grandfather. Just need to come up with a middle name we can live with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 10:16pm

Cool, naming the baby for his daddy and grandpa. Careful with the names, so the initials don't spell something wonky! ;o)

We tease my dd that if she'd been a boy, we'd have named him Franklin Oliver (last name is hyphenated R-D) so the initials would have been FORD. She rolls her eyes at us and sighs. Teenagers!

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 12:09pm

Just because you are family, doesn't excuse things or give a loved one the right to think so. I hate this whole scenario and I certainly have lost all respect for BIL. I gave up on him when he lived here, he is so pathetic.

He needs to figure his own problems/issues out on their own with his new wife. This guy does not seem to get that the umbilical cord has been cut.

I am so ready to call this guy's bluff, what don't you get? I don't understand what he is missing after being told 3 times you can't stay/live here. He also decided to run overseas and marry somebody he hadn't met yet prior and little $ to return. He should've thought of that before leaving town. He sent my hubby an email after calling him. In it, he says he wants to be there so much for baby-time(different reason now) and it looks like it could work out that way for both of us. What did he come up with? I emailed him back asking him and he hasn't responded. It's been 4 days, know he got it.

What can the post office actually do? They said he has to file a coa. I told them he moved, won't give an address to forward mail to, etc. So I satrted returning it all as it came. Finally eliminated it. In a prior email he sent to hubby, he said he is glad he gets little stateside mail. What about us? We don't want your mail! How can I convince the post office to stop delivering it already? The carrier put a sticker in my box stating to individually forward his mail. Now, he says he gave it out again! Hope you don't mind.

My brother told me he would ignore their emails since I have already told him they cant be here. He said too bad I can't get a restraining order against him, lol. My brother thinks this guy is manipulative too. He said if I choose to, go ahead and send him one last email re-iriterating your position again, stop giving your address out(which he thinks is bogus). Since my brother is a real estate agent, he also forwarded me some rentals available in the area bil claims they want to move to. I can include trhese rentals in the email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 1:10pm
Yes, we can't torture our children on names. They'd hate us for life, haha.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 4:40pm

Hello,

I have been thinking about your situation. Why not just change your email address and phone number. Yeah, it might be a pain in the A$$ in the beginning but it is certainly worth it. There is also a way where you can only have only certain people call you if they enter a code...maybe someone here can explain it better. You keep your same number but when someone calls, they are asked to punch in a code to get through.

I read your situation and I get pissed. I feel like calling your BIL and giving him a piece of my mind myself! ;P

~L