BIL will not move out

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
BIL will not move out
13
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 2:33am

My husband is very close to his family. We see them every Saturday and Sunday. I am beginning to realize that he would probably choose his family over his own wife and children. I have talked to him many times about this. The last time, we talked over four hours and I thought that he finally understood me. After a few weeks, I feel nothing has changed. I wanted to buy something for his anniversary and he called his sister to see if it was a good idea to buy it. His sister told him not to buy it. She will buy it for him. I wanted to buy it because of the moment of time and place. He chose not to buy it.

This has been going on for a few decades. I am very sad and not in good health.

The additional frustration is that we own a rental unit, which he decided to let his brother live with his wife. We assumed that it was temporary until his brother started tearing things up and repairing the unit. My husband let him remodel the unit and even helped him with it. I realized that trouble was coming. I fought with my husband to tell his brother that we only plan to let him live there for a few years. His brother was upset and said that he thought it was a done deal that he could live there. I am furious because I wanted to use this property for our children. We cannot do anything until the brother moves out. My husband will not tell him to move and I am afraid that his brother will not move out for a long time. Whenever I go over to the house, I am boiling inside. His brother just had a new daughter. His brother and his wife is using their daughter to get on the good side of my husband and my children. I got sucked into it for awhile, but I see what they are doing. Sometimes, his brother would not talk to me and I got tired of his ungratefulness. He does not know how much frustration he has put on me and me to my husband. Now he and his wife barely talks to me and this is annoying me more. I think that it is starting to come to the point where I want no part of his family anymore. Anyone has any good idea of how to handle the brother situation so that he moves out? My husband doesn't want me to say anything. He said that he will talk to him in about a year, which I don't really believe him. His brother has been living there for 3 years. I feel caged in because my husband has high blood pressure and I do not want to do something that I regret, but this is really getting under my skin.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 10:49am
my husband is very slow too. I think that is just that he does not want to hurt anyone of his clans feelings. They use that against him and dont talk to him and such and it does hurt his feelings and I think that is super childish. I was not raised to do such hurtful things to people.
I have tried and tried to build a relationship with them and gave them space but I refuse to be talked about behind my back and lied about. You need to stand by him no matter what. That makes him feel important in your relationship and it will grow even more. Alot of times I was really unhappy with some of his decisions, but in the end I value our marriage much more.
Maybe you both can sit and watch Suzie Ormond together or Judge Judy or something that may have some sort of the same type of thing going on and another persons opinion on the subject may help him out. But be real careful not to side against your BIL in any way that will only make you look like a bad guy.
I really hope that everything works out for you. I will pray for you to have patience. You will surely need it.
Elaine
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:53pm
I see where you are going with this. I see the sense of what you are saying. You are right that I will need alot of patience. My patience is running out, but I guess that I need someone to remind me. I tried to let things go and wait until my husband takes care of things. His brother gets cold and ignores me every now and then. The last incident lasted for about a month. I got fed up with him and pretend that he does not exist when he is around. I talked to everyone but him. This got to him and he started talking to me because he cannot stand being ignored. He is over 40, but is very immature and cannot stand on his own. I get so mad that his family babies him and told my husband that he needs to back off and let his brother grow up. I will pray to God to give me strength and my husband strength and courage to carry it through with peace in the family. I also will pray that his brother will find courage to stand on his own and move on for himself and his older brother's family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:36am
Tough birds to wean, aren't they...yours and mine.
You are right to feel the way that you do, Dont get me wrong. I feel the same exact way.
I am so glad that you sound more at peace. I think about my inlaws and it makes me upset when I do, but I dont think of them often... thats how I get around it. You surround youself with good and positive things and people. When you feel that blackness coming into your life do something that you like. I find that taking a walk, gardening or reading a happy book is a great thing.
Elaine

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