Blew it with DH over MIL
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| Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:07am |
Hi all,
My MIL just stayed at our house for a 4 night visit (she lives out of town), and i totally blew it last night. What can i do to make it up to DH?
DH and i have been been together for 10 years, and during that entire time my MIL has been incredibly insulting to me. She always makes deragotory remarks and criticisms about my personal appearance, point blank. I can't stand being around her, but i have vowed personally to be tolerant for the sake of my DH. By the end of this weekend, though, i totally lost my patience and ruined the night.
DH and i were showing my MIL photos from our recent vacation. My MIL kept telling me "you look fat" in the photos. (For context, my weight is normal, and i stuggled with anorexia as a teen).
After awhile i went into the other room with a book. After DH finished showing her the photos, he came up to me and made excuses for her: "she used to tell my 6th grade teacher that she was fat, she tells everyone else that". I told him that i'm neither his 6th grade teacher nor everyone else. He ended up with "well, so long as you know that it's not true": don't take it personally.
I really want to be tolerant, because my DH is so good to my own parents, and they come and stay for an entire week. So i don't feel i have any right to complain when my own parents are so imposing. But my folks are polite and never insulting. So i tried to let it roll off my back, and was civil and amicable to her for the rest of the evening.
But in bed at night i cried and could not go to sleep. My DH came to bed after midnight, and i kept him up for two hours letting him know how hurt and angry i felt (not at his mother, but at myself for letting it bother me and for letting myself go (i've been working two jobs, cleaning house, not exercising, and have in fact put on weight). But the truth is that i am actually angry at his mother.
So i ruined his sleep for the night, and also ended his mom's visit on a sour note. Do any of you gals have advice for how i can make it up to him?
fuchsia

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Yes, I have advise for you. Slap that silly fool upside the head and tell him that you will not take that evil woman's *ABUSE* any more!!!!@!!!! What kind of man allows *anyone* to treat *HIS WIFE*, his life's partner, the woman he *chose* to live with like that? Usually it's a momma's boy, that's what kind.
Hopefully someone will give you *useful* advise, I'm too angry at that jerk you married to be calm right now. Especially if you are blaming yourself for having an issue with allowing that kind of abusive BS!!!!!
lve2read
Lv2read,
This is just what i needed to hear, that i am not in the wrong, and that the problem is with MIL and DH. That i don't need to feel guilty for taking him to task about it, and that my reaction is justified.
Yep, it is verbal abuse, and although it is noble of me to be on speaking and visiting terms with her, and to tolerate it somewhat, i do need to let DH know how i feel. At least i am then justified when i draw lines (he whines about why his mom can't stay a full week, and accuses me of a double standard because my parents stay a full week, so at least i have objective reasons).
Thank you!
fuchsia
Well, you know what? If his mother acted like an adult, instead of like a childish biotch, then perhaps she would be more welcome.
I do not, nor will I ever buy the "thats just the way she is" defense. It is stupid, and people only are "the way they are" because others have allowed the behavior and not stood up to the offender, IMO.
You owe DH nothing. He, however, owes you an apology, and his mother does too. He also needs to put Mom in her place. The next time he whines about her length of visit vs. hers, tell him that if your parents acted like turds, they would not be staying long, either. In fact, I would refuse her in my home until she could behave decently.
I agree with the other 2 posters. Your DH needs to make it up to you, not the other way around. How would he like it if your parents insulted him constantly. Wouldn't he expect you to put a stop to it? Why do you deserve any less from him? Would he allow her to talk to his daughter that way? Then why would he allow her to do it to his wife?
Now the next time she comes to visit I would tell DH that you expect him to stand up for you. And you will not take it anymore, and if it doesn't stop there will be no more visits. I would also start practicing some honesty in the moment with MIL. If she says your fat, look at her and say, "Gee, I would have thought your mother would have taught you better manners." or "Why would you say something so rude?"
"i kept him up for two hours letting him know how hurt and angry i felt (not at his mother, but at myself for letting it bother me and for letting myself go"
Also, I think you should seek some counseling. It's not a healthy sign that you are so willing to take the blame for someone elses poor behavior.
Terri
Wife to Dave 21 years
Mom to Tara-18
Cassi-16
Angela-4
James-4 months
Hi,
You ladies give me the right perspective. I do need a serious about-face in my attitude and, deeper than that, my own sense of guilt and blame.
In terms of standing up for me, though, my DH is completely hopeless. Time after time for 10 years he will not contradict his darling mother 'in the moment', even to contradict her to say "fuchsia is not fat", or "I like fuchsia the way she is, mom". I have had to resign myself to not expecting that. But it's pretty weak when you need someone else to stand up for you, no?
I used to just sit there and swallow her insults (disgusting, yes), for the sake of keeping the peace. My new tactic is to remove myself from the room, from her presence (a a tactic that I heard about from that PBS speaker Wayne Dyer). I was proud of myself for doing that this weekend. However, it didn't stop me from being upset. My strongest feeling is disappointment in myself, that her insults and opinions still hurt me after 10 years. Why do i allow such stupidity and rudeness to hurt me?
But after hearing you gals, i no longer feel guilty for bringing this to my DH: he *has* to hear from me each and every time she does this. At least this gives me ammunition for continuing to distance myself from her.
fuchsia
One idea I've heard is to (in a time of no-conflict) let your husband know that you don't like the way you feel as a human being or as his wife when his mother talks to you that way. If he is uncomfortable speaking up for the two of you (his mother is "attacking" him too, by insulting the woman he *chose* to live with and love) then you will speak up for yourself. And unless he does tell his mother to straighten up or buzz off, then he had better keep any objections to your self-defense (that *is* what it is) to himself.
You don't need to stoop to her level, and it's truly better if you don't. One assertively defensive way to respond is to calmly use the "honesty in the moment" mentioned above. More examples include, "What a hurtful thing to say! Are you *trying* to hurt my feelings?" (best asked in your huband's presence). Even just "What a hurtful thing to say!" as you gather your things and move away from her. Or "Why on earth would you say something like *that* to your son's wife?"
Oh, do suggest to your husband that since the guest is his mother, he needs to be there to entertain her. Then you can make your obligatory appearance once or twice a day and arrange "something that simply cannot be re-scheduled! So sorry!" as often as you can or need to to maintain your sense of well-being. You know, massages, lunch with someone who *cares* about you, quiet walks in the woods or on the beach, window shopping, etc. Never explain your plans, just that you cannot do ___ you have plans that simply cannot be re-scheduled. (okay, don't lie to or hide truth from your husband, but I'd make him actually ask what the plans are first. And you might slowly get him used to hearing simply that you have plans without much detail)
If your husband seems to think this is a good thing, "Honey, your mother just said _____. What do *you* think she meant by that?"
Or, pull out all the stops with, "MIL, why do you hate me so much?" or "MIL, if you hate me that much why do you come here to visit?"
And if you've been trying to bend yourself into pretzels to please your husband for this long, counseling would be a very good idea. Both marital and personal.
{{{hugs}}} This is all from someone who really does need to follow her own advice, so please do not feel attacked or put down. And I do wish you and your husband all the best in your relationship with each other.
lve2read
lve2read
Fuchsia,
Sweetie I am sending you hugs as well! I so understand what you are going through with the MIL. I agree with the gals on here 110% Your husband should be standing up for you, you are his wife. Dont feel bad for him, he let you down. I am probably the last one that should give any advise on dealing with inlaws....but heck, I thought mine were Nasty. I agree with the gal on here that said to confront her, in a very firm but respectful way. I wish that would work in my case. good luck!
Amie
Mommy to Ryan and Jordyn
I don't see where you need to make anything up to your DH.
Hi all,
I now feel so much better now about my actions. And i am still proud that i maintained my dignity in the incident and not stooping to her level. To me, her rudeness does not even merit an intelligent response or reasonable argument. I also no longer feel bad for the sleepless night, which should have pretty strongly registered with him that the incident was hurtful. He needs to know every single time.
A quote i recently heard said it best: "our friends are God's way of apologizing for our relatives"!
fuchsia
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