Business conflict with inlaw

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Business conflict with inlaw
13
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:21pm
Here is my story: I am an optometrist who got married into this family in March. My relationship with the inlaws is fair, not great, but fair (read:polite but not friendly). anyway, my DH and I are going into this optometry office next month because the old doctor there is retiring so we are taking over the lease. It's a good opportunity for us because we don't have lots of money to start up a business with frames and all. so what are we doing is just giving eye exams. Right next to us is an optical store so they sell glasses there. When my DH told his family about our soon to be office, they said no. they said no because it's 5 miles from his sister's office. They said " you are not opening your office there because L will lose patients. No. Go to another area!" Let me tell you this, L has three offices, lives in a million dollar house and has a beach house to rent out. Her office (at the discussed location) has been in the area for 7 years so she is very established. How on earth are we going to be a threat to her? L told my DH that she has been the only vietnamese optometrist in this area, so all vietnamese patients are hers, all the hispanics patients are hers. Today, the father told me that they will lend us money to open at another location. basically they are trying to sell me out of our proposed office. i was furious!. How dare they tell me what to do with my own money and my own professional career! and if we happen to make it in the location, it's my DH's money too. and he is their kid too. L is so rich already. why is she so gready like that? They told my DH that if we keep going on with our plan and start the business there, noone in the family will talk to us anymore. My DH is with me but i know he's torn. Dont' you think that they should be happy for us that my DH can have a better income with the store? We are both upset!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:53pm

It is a pretty petty thing for them to be doing. However, you could just blast the whole bunch by opening an independant location and then undercut her prices. You'll pull in her business.

Don't get mad, get even. Besides if they are willing to quit talking to the both of you over a location, then when you start to establish yourself, it is going to raise problems too so you will probably end up with them not talking to you in the long run. Do what you want and leave them to their own devices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:45am

I have to agree with alleycat. I would tell them to take a long walk off a short pier.

They are making it quite obvious where you and DH fall on the family food chain. So you might as well let them quit speaking to you now. If they get their way on this one, eventually they are going to find another reason to cut you guys off, so why prolong the agony.

And 5 miles isn't even in the same area. Give me a break. I could see it if it was across the street, but 5 miles. Sheesh. Just how far away would you have to open your office? Another state?

I know it'll hurt DH. But are these people really worth the effort? They obviously don't think you or DH are worth their effort.

Terri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 10:46am

I agree with the others, but with one caveat. Instead of telling them to "get stuffed" or some similar response, I would suggest a response that makes it clear that his parents do *not* get to make your business decisions but that you (both) are open to them being in your lives. I mean set the boundaries of what you (both) will accept, but leave that door open for them to be extended family.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:43am
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. My parents/family are pretty upset about the whole thing too. My dad is upset because according to him, my DH's family did not spend a penny on my education. They have no right to tell me what to do with my professional life. This morning, my MIL called my DH and said "there is another medical clinic in C city , you guys go check it out." C city is not near the mentioned location. she also mentioned that they will go check out other places for us to do business too. I told my DH that they do it for L, not for us. It's been so hard on my DH. He came home and made dinner for me because of the whole thing with his family. I cried during dinner. We have made our decision to continue with our business and hope that with hard work, we'll make it. We dont' plan to overdo L or anything like that. I am working 7 days/week. My DH works 7 days a week too. We believe that things will get better. About talking to any of my DH family member? i don't know. they never like me to start with. things will get uglier. I'm so tired just thinking about this family.
Anyway, thanks for listening. has any of you encountered such conflict? why don't MIL/FIL leave their kids alone after marriage? If we're not happy, fine, they can interfere. but we're happy and THEY are ruining it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:17am

{{{{talkgal}}}} I don't know just why some parents cannot make the shift from active parenting to being parents of adult offspring.

Do your ILs have a history of favoring his sister? Maybe they are coming from a place of seeing the Most Favored Child's "throne" being threatened?

Is your husband willing to pull back and let his parents have some time without him? They may decide they love him more than they love bossing him around and try to be in his life without trying to direct it. Of course they may decide that if he won't toe their line then he's out of their game.

I'm sorry they are putting you guys through this. Remember to make "together" time, which will be a challenge while building your own business. Even a half hour lunch or walk together, away from the demands of the business can do wonders. DO NOT TALK ABOUT WORK ALL THE TIME!!!!@! :o)

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 6:36pm
I agree with your dad-your inlaws didn't pay for your education. And to let these horrid people give you a business loan ? Can you imagine the hooks and strings that would be attached? There are many folk that would LOVE for their inlaws to never talk to them again lol. I know this is hard for your dh but it seems like your ils as the previous poster have pointed out have made clear what they think of him.
5 miles is not like its next door to your sil practice. You said sil has several offices and the income and perks that go with that. I do not see how a fledgling starting out dr is competition for that. Especially since she has been there for 7 years. Also you and she may take different insurance plans. Who knows. My .o2 is stay with your original business plan. It is not your ils place to tell you what to do with your business plan or degree.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck in your new venture!!
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 6:39pm

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I guess parents want to make sure that their kids don’t have the same hardships and obstacles that they had starting out.

To that, I say patooey!

I understand your situation completely. My FIL is a burr in our sides as well. When we got married, it was a small and intimate ceremony. We decided that since my parents were not interested in being a part of our happiness, then we would wait until his parents came for a visit and we would do it then. All went well and it was a nice day despite the fact that I would have liked for my parents to be there.

After the ceremony, we went back to our apartment and changed because it was HOT and we were going to go out to dinner to celebrate. His parents had previously promised to take us to a nice place, (Red Lobster) because we usually went to average places once or twice when they would come down for an extended weekend.

We were impressed and pleased that his parents wanted to do that for us, and we accepted. Knowing that it would take a portion of their visiting budget, they were staying at our place so they wouldn’t have to put out for a motel, and they said that we would have to accept the dinner as our wedding gift. We were fine with that and looked forward to it.

After we changed our clothes, and started to the next town over, his dad suddenly decided that it was too much money. When MIL and my new hubby started to protest the decision change, his response to them was (like it was yesterday) “I just don’t see the point of spending all that money on something that you’re just gonna crap out anyway”.

I just sat there in silence and wished we were back at home. He ended up getting his way and we ended up landing at the same bbq place that he insists we eat at every time they visit.

While we sat there and tried to make the best of a situation that clearly embarrassed my MIL, his dad decided that it would be appropriate to sit there and loudly harass us as to when we were going to start trying to get pregnant. (This was literally 2 hours after we got married)

My husband’s brother did the marriage thing, except most of it was in reverse. He found a gal, told them that their Christmas present was the fact that he had found someone and was moving out to go live with her. He got her pregnant, decided to go into the military, they told him he had to marry her. MIL went to the courthouse and paid for the marriage license and a little ring for him to give her.

After they married, he went to basic, got kicked out for trying to hit his commanding officer, couldn’t get a job, moved in with my in laws, refused to pay or contribute anything, did drugs, and moved out when they asked them to start helping with the food bills.

My hubby and I have paid our own way and had jobs and have not borrowed or begged from them ever. His brother and wife have since moved back in and out about 3 more times. His dad has since told him that he hopes we never get in a bind, because after what his brother has done to them, blah, blah that they would never trust anyone, and they will never let anyone else move in. The funny thing is that even though we are told this on a regular basis, FIL still gives BIL money and lets them stay at the house. When my hubby asked them about this, he was told that they expect more from him than BIL, because they know that hubby is smarter and can fend for himself.

Come to find out, last time IL’s visited, we found out from MIL that the reason that FIL threw a fit about the dinner was because before they had left to come see us get married, FIL floated BIL a loan, and didn’t tell MIL and barely had enough gas money for them to get home. I tolerate my FIL because he is my hubby’s father, but I would rather not see him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:25am
I thank you all so much. Reading your responses makes me feel like I can do this. Thank you for understanding my DH's situation. WE ARE going forward with the plan. We are preparing for the office (painting, changing carpet, decoration...) because the last doctor didn't care much after 50 years of practicing so he just let everything got dirty and stains are everywhere...But that is not a big deal. we can fix that. My mother has called me everyday now to make sure that we're okay. She told me to hire someone to fix the place up real nice and start our little budding office there. Yes, L's office takes lots of insurances that I can't take because she has dispensing frames/lenses (some insurances require enrolled doctor to have both exam office and optical store). But I can also take some insurances that don't require doctor to have optical store. like if you see doctors in costco. they can only take certain insurance because they are independent from the optical. Mine is the same. Given that, they still oppose to us working near hers. Plus, we plan to work with patient base that the previous doctor had when he used to be there; not anything to do with L's. You know, sometimes, just to talk about this, i feel so sad because it feels like we're arguing in a swapmeet trying to grab patients from each other. It shouldn't be like that. We are professionals. I would just leave the decision to pick doctor to patients. They go wherever they want to go.
I feel relieve to have support and good luck wishes from you all. Thank you very much. Our office is planned for grand opening on July. We are aiming for Saturday July 1 :)
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:50am
I interviewed a very nice lady for the receptionist position yesterday. Through the interview, i found out that she has been going to L's office for eye exam for the past few years. I don't know what I should do because i don't want L to say "you steal my patient to be your receptionist". I also don't want, if she keeps going to L and if they find out that she works for me, I don't want them to know how many patients we see a day or what type of insurances we take the most or other related business info from my office. She was the first one i interviewed for the job; i still have a few more applications to interview later. She is sweet. but i can't decide.
please help.
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 2:21pm

Well, as long as your not standing across from L's office handing out coupons and your card I don't see the problem. L may very well lose patients to you, as you may very well lose some to her. This is America and people are free to chose who they see. Life is just that way.

Now as for the applicant. She is the first one, that doesn't give her first dibs on the job. Interview all and pick the person who you feel will be the best fit for your office. Now if it turns out that she will be the best fit, make it clear to her that if she chooses to continue to be a patient of L, which she is free to do, that you expect her to keep all of your business to herself and she is not to divulge any info to L. Failure to do so will result in immediate termination. No exceptions.

Now L and the family may well get their undies in a bunch over the whole thing. But since they already are upset, what's one more upset? So who cares what they say.

Terri
Wife to Dave-22 years
Mom to Tara-18
Cassi-16
Angela-4
James-almost 5 months
and 2 Angels in Heaven

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