Child Safety Issues with In-Laws

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Child Safety Issues with In-Laws
21
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:58am

Hi Everyone,

I am new on here and have been dealing with problems with my in-laws since my son was born, almost two years ago. I am now expecting another child next month and, while I am excited beyond belief, I am also dreading my in-laws visit to the point of feeling sick when I think about it. Let me add that we got along (I thought) famously before my son was born and then I became (in revolving order) the "overprotective mother" and the "bad mother", mostly overprotective, but with the underlying feeling of being the bad mother.

I'd like to say that I am an older mom, almost 40, and I am a college graduate, so I don't understand why I am constantly made to feel like I am some kind of idiot when it comes to my child's safety.

My issues, as I mentioned, are mostly safety related, but we also have the hurtful comments thrown in (like - "hi big momma", because I'm pregnant and "we're just here to visit our grandson") for good measure. I won't go into the whole story, but I'll give a few examples and I would love for some good suggestions of what to say when these safety problems occur. I am ready to check into a hotel next time they come. Seriously.

One example is that we have a lake behind our house and, while it's shallow near the edge, it is a sharp drop off. We had a very nice fence put in, locks, and child proofed our door handles in order to make it safer for our son. On their last visit, both my FIL and MIL ganged up on me when my husband was at work (it's always when he isn't around), telling me that I am wrong to keep the doors locked all the time and that if our son (about 18 months old at the time) fell in the lake he wouldn't drown because it was so shallow. To top it off my MIL asked what would happen if there was a fire and I couldn't find my keys, as if I don't have the sense to brake a window and get out if that were the case.

Another issue from the same visit is that, because of being by the water, we have a lot of mosquitos in our yard. The in-laws tend to stay outside all day long with our son. I brought the bug repellant out, asked them to use it on him, put it on him myself a few times, but they basically ignored me. It's the type of repellant that is natural and must by reapplied every 4 hrs. or so to work. As a result, my son had 15 bites, just on his legs (I counted) and many others on his face, body, and arms. I finally told my MIL that he HAS to have on the repellant before he goes out and she STARTED CRYING and went up to their room for 1/2 hr. I promise you, I did not say this in a mean way, just stern. I am not a mean person.

A pretty serious problem is a car seat issue. My MIL bought one at a garage sale before my son was born and I told her that you are never supposed to use one that was bought in that manner and why. We have a very nice Britax car seat, but, even as late as this past Christmas she was asking to use her trusty old car seat - the same one I told her shouldn't be used on any child, let alone mine. My husband and I went out for a couple hours and they watched our son. Bad idea. In the mean time, they brought him somewhere that is down the street from them and when we returned we noticed that neither car seat looked like it had moved from it's place. We are unsure if they even used a car seat, which freaks me out completely. Before I had my son, I told them that he must always be in a car seat, following all car seat rules - every time he went somewhere with them. The reason I did this is because of a story my MIL conveyed to us about my FIL taking their 5 yr. old nephew to the store in the front seat, in his car seat, and leaving the car running with him in the car while my FIL went in the store! I don't think I have to tell you how that gave me nightmares.

I could bore you forever with these type of stories, but I will leave you with saying that I did have the dreaded "talk" with my MIL awhile back, but it didn't seem to work and it was about different issues which have not cleared up either. My husband does not want to deal with the whole situation and tells me that his parents are "simple" people and don't mean anything by what they say and that they are from an era of different, less cautious way of parenting. I understand that those insights could be true, but our son's safety is non-negotiable and I'm the mom, why do I have to always explain myself to them and prove that what I want done is not just because of my happiness, it is because it is proven to be safer than what was done in the past!

Thanks for letting me vent. There is so much more to the story, but if I could get a couple good suggestions on what to say to them when these things come up it would take a huge weight off of my back. I just need to stop the insanity!!!!!!! HELP!

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Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:47pm

Personally, I think that they shouldn't be allowed access to your son until they learn to abide by the rules. They have no problems putting your son's life a risk. Who cares if when they had kids safety rules were a lot more relaxed then now. The point is, he is your son and if you don't want him out by the lake then that is your right as his mother. By the way he can drowned in shallow water. It doesn't take much. Your MIL getting upset over you telling her to put repellent on your son is nuts. The poor little boy suffered because they didn't want to put repellent on him. Do they not think about West Nile Virus?

Not that he will get it, but why risk it? As far as the car seat issue, don't leave him alone with them anymore. Tell them until they get a good and safe car seat they can't take him anywhere. About Dh, he needs to deal with this. They are his parents and they are putting your son's safety at risk. They totally disregard your wishes and that it wrong. Dh needs to step up and tell his parents that these are the rules and they will abide by them or they don't get to see your ds. Plain and simple. Dh needs to step up and be a man. You and your children are to come first, not Mommy and Daddy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:48pm

This should be very easy to deal with -- just don't ever leave your children alone in their care. If they are oblivious to safety precautions and cannot be trusted to follow your instructions, NEVER allow them to have a minute alone with them.

You do not have to explain yourself or allow these people access to your children, but in doing so, you give up the luxury of having them watch your child even for a minute. A small sacrifice when it comes to the safety of the children and your own peace of mind. I know! I have been in your shoes. I did not make any attempts to get MIL to understand or announce that ILs would not watch my children, I just never left them alone in their care. When MIL complained that I was "overprotective", I smiled graciously and thanked her for the compliment. They quickly learned that where my chld's safety was concerned, it was MY WAY or NO WAY! I compromised on many IL issues over the years, this one was non-negotiable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:23pm
You are right! Rockmom needs to let Grandma know that children have drowned in bathtubs and mop pails.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:25pm

Well of COURSE your husband doesn't want to deal with it! God forbid he be a man and stand up for his own child and wife.

I wonder how he would feel if a tragic accident took your child's life or at the very least, the health and well-being of your child? Would he be so casual about it then?

My niece was nearly killed and rendered brain-damaged due to a babysitter who decided holding an 11 mo old on her lap in the front seat of a VW Bug was a smart thing to do. Now, I have an almost 18 yr old niece who has the mentality of an 8 yr old, who will always need supervision and who was robbed of a "normal" life because of someone's stupidity. Any person who would take out my child without a car seat would be banned from having unsupervised visits, and possibly have NO visitation with my child ever again.

The mosquito thing might seem harmless, but mosquitos do harbor disease. And for them to think that a small child could not drown in a shallow area of a lake is not old-fashioned, it is flat-out denying the truth.

They want control and are bound to get it.

Put your foot down. Do not be alone with them anymore. I would have a "come to Jesus" meeting with them and DH. Tell them that while you know they mean well, you ARE the mother and your rules are to be followed. If MIL whines and cries, well that is her problem. You have no reason to feel guilty.

Even my 80 yr old grandma doesn't pull crap like that with my kids and neither does my mom.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:37pm

Yep. I think they say it only takes like two tablespoons of water to drowned. Might be more. Here are a couple of articles about drowning risks.

http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml06/06164.html

http://www.aap.org/advocacy/archives/julydrown.htm

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Avatar for kholt_vi
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Registered: 10-03-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 2:49pm
Let me start with the fact that ANYBODY blood relative or not who can not respect your rules as the childs mother, does not need to be in charge of that childs care period. The drowning thing has already been fully covered as has the mos. thing but I will say in defense of some of us who were broke when we started having children that you can get car seats at yard sales IF the previous owner knows for a fact that the car seat has never been in an accident. Anytime the car seat has been through an accident you have to replace it but some of us are lucky enough to have not had an accident while the child was in the safety seat. When in doubt dont get it but if you are sure its ok then its fine. The best bet is if you call the state patrols office they will usually give you a car seat and instructions on how to install it properly. Bottom line still remains if you say no then that means NO. And if you are overprotective so be it. I am to and because of that my children have gotten to watch me and grandmother argue about why they arent allowed to ride on the lawn mower while mowing and so forth but my kids arent in the news from tragic accidents either. We had an accident once that was unforseeable and caused stress but luckily no long term damage and I said then "see sh*& can happen even when your safe so worse could happen when you dont pay attention"
Good luck to you and in my experience even if hubby stands up for you like he should MIL still might continue so just get some ambisol to numb up your tongue. It will hurt after you bite it that many times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:35pm

Well,on the car seat issue it is the LAW they
have to be in a car seat. Tell them that it
is the law and they can get a ticket for it.
Trust me I know,once I was just running up
to the gas station down the street and my
dd thru a fit about being in the car seat
the one time I gave in and let her sit up
in front not in a car seat and I got
pulled over and got a ticket.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:24pm

I'm so sorry about your niece. I am floored when I see people that are careless with children's safety. My heart broke when I read that.

Also, thanks, ladies, to those who have responded so far. This helps me to further realize that I am not the insane/idiot woman my in laws make me out to be and my safety fears are not unfounded.

I agree that my husband needs to step up and support me, but we have been through that discussion many times and I give up. My decision now is to stand on my own regarding them and if he doesn't like what I say to them, too bad. We both have come to an agreement though, that there is some kind of resentment between the in-laws and myself. See, we moved 17 hrs. (no, that's not far enough - believe me!) away for my husband's job and, somehow, I've always felt that they have an underlying resentment towards me for it or it is towards my husband, but they can't resent him, so they choose to treat me unkind instead. The funny thing is that I didn't not want to move and gave up a brand new promotion (less than 1 month) and a house I owned previous to our marriage, not to mention lots of close friends. I hated having to move, it was awful.

It all seems so crazy to be this consumed by these issues because I am HAVING A BABY NEXT MONTH!!! It should be a joyous occasion, and it is, but I am also worried about what will be going on with my son while I am recouperating from my c-section. I think I need to confront them about these problems again before they come next month, but, since my conversation with my MIL didn't work before, I am thinking maybe a letter would be better? I don't know though. I really don't want to talk to her, so I might be dreaming up the letter to get around that! ; ) Although sometimes people take letters (not an e-mail, a real letter) more seriously because they can re-read them, etc.

The thing is that she acted totally surprised that there was a problem last time and I know she couldn't have been because she made a few nasty comments about me in front of my mom and she had to have known that my mom would tell me! She also acted pretty nasty right to my face and I was obviously upset about it. To top it off, she blamed some of her behavior on possible menopause (which it turned out not to be). Regardless, I say people need to be responsible for their behavior.

Here is the incident that set me off when I had the dreaded talk with my MIL the last time. They were visiting for my son's 1st b-day and my mom and I had to go out and get a bunch of things for the party. We left them (my husband, FIL, MIL, son) at around 1:00 PM or so and didn't get back until almost 7 PM. I found out at that time that they had NOT CHANGED OR FED my son in all that time! My husband was fixing the car and assumed they were taking care of him and didn't ask about what was going on. I almost blew a head gasket. If that was anyone else besides my MIL, I would have lost it. I could state other incidents like this, but I just wanted to give more insight into things that have gone on.

I also am writing an agenda for my mom, who is coming when the baby is born to help for the first two weeks, of my son's daily routine and am going to give it to the in-laws ahead of time as well. I feel like if that routine is not followed, I need to read the riot act, but maybe I need to now? I am thinking that I have bit my toungue too much and should have just set this all straight in the beginning, but it's too late for that and I need to figure out what to do now.

Sign me,

Worried Pregnant Mom

PS Another reason you shouldn't buy a used car seat is because you need to know if it was recalled for any reason. I'm sure you could look that up, BUT if you had a Britax Marathon carseat, literally, sitting next to a used, dirty looking, possibly dangerous carseat - I'm sure most people would chose the Britax. Why wouldn't they? Argh!!!!!!

PPS I told them that kids have drown in the toilet and they acted like I was nuts. Several children, including one from my son's Kindermusik class, passed away this summer from drowning.

PPPS I also lock the doors, not only because my child can get out of them and into the street/lake, but because kids do get abuducted and many times the predator just is able to walk in the door and take the child.

*sigh* What to do????????

Venting again, so sorry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 9:09pm

How about at the bottom of the agenda, in LARGE font and all capital letters that either they choose to follow Mamabear's rules or they choose to go home. Period, full stop. End of discussion.

And if hubby dear whines about it, he can go home with them until he's ready to put on his big boy undies and be FATHER to HIS children.

It doesn't matter if they agree with you or not. You are the mother, they meet your standards or they choose not to be trusted with your children. That is the bottom line.

Husband can either step up beside you or stand back and keep his mouth shut when you tell *HIS* parents how it's gonna be.

Hmmmppphhh! (Don't I sound tough!)

hth, and I wish you happy gestating for the rest of your pregnancy and I hope that the delivery meets all of your desires.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:47pm

I'm a school bus driver, and work with a Head start/Eceap programs~~I've been known to take aside the managers of the programs to tell them that there is a parent/grandparent not using the car seat/ seat belt correctly (even if the child doesn't ride my bus~~these kids safety is my responsibility) I am a mandatory report and to me this is child abuse.

I've got a grandson & granddaughter and if I don't do what my dd & sil's say~~I don't get to see the grandkid's. Yes I have nice car seat sitting in my backseat of my car (last year when I went car shopping I made sure it would hold 2 car seats or I wasn't interested it the car) And I'm the one who showed my 2 dd's how to put the car seats in the their cars.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.

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