Could A Mother In Law help me see where mine is coming from?
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|Tue, 09-11-2012 - 12:04pm|
I was so happy today when I found this place. I need a place to think outside my own head about my in laws and Husband. I have my family, our preacher, and a few friends; however I would love some feedback from people who are not invested in me or my husband. To be honest I would love to hear from some Mothers, I can’t get my MIL to talk to me, I have tried to see things from her point of view, but it’s still coming from my head. So fill free to tell me like it is, I love constructive criticism.
I have known my MIL for over 12 years, in that 12 years we have never been involved in each other’s life. We had meet and see each other around, however they never invited me over or out for dinner until their son my wonderful husband started talking about me in the forever way, ( 2 months before we were engaged) We went to dinner once and she “loved me”, then when he proposed to me, and when we went over for a family dinner, she made a big deal about the ring on my finger and who was I engaged to, saying her son never told her, and that it couldn’t be real. It really hurt my feelings I tried to play it off as a joke, but her face was so serious and this was done in front of his whole family, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
My sweet husband respects his Mom and Dad so much, that he thinks he can’t speak up for me or that would be back talking his parents and being disrespectful. I understand that but what about me? He is to be my person and I his, God calls us to cling to each other, our faith, and God. However he has leaned more on them than me, thinking about their feelings and not mine.
As we were planning our wedding I was looking for family information, Parents marriage dates, how they met, old family photos, and she got so mad saying I was digging up dirt on her and her family. I finally had enough and didn’t want our relationship to be one of distance, or hurt feelings so I went to her and her husband to talk to them one on one. Letting them know that if I had hurt them in any way I was sorry, but I was just wanting to get to know them more, and do some photo books with info so everybody who went to the wedding ( family) could see where each side of the family came from and how we are going to go forward together. After that I thought we had a mutual understanding of each other and things would be good, that if there was a problem we could come together as Strong Christian Ladies and work this out. I was wrong.
Shortly after we were married ( mind you October 2012 will be 6months of marriage for us) She started in with telling her son; don’t let her know how much money you make, don’t tell her your coming over, when we started to have communication issues he ran to her ( that’s ok, but he didn’t come talk to me) she tore me down, told him to leave me, never once did she try to be supportive, uplifting, just leave its hard… leave her you can move home. I cooked this woman a mother’s day feast when all her children had forgotten her, we have invited them over, tried to do things with them, with either no response or she can’t. I understand but then it was thrown at me that I never come over and I am never around. Well no I am not invited and I am not just going to show up.
Marriage is hard, we had never lived together before the marriage, we had a lot of adjusting to do. I was so hurt when I found out that he had told her some very personal things about me and our marriage that I hadn’t even told my family, and the personal things about me he told her, that took me months to tell my family after it happened. These things are not his to tell, and he told her, and she told her other children. I luckily am good friends with my husband’s siblings and one of them came to tell me.
She lies about the silliest things, and for a Christian woman I have not heard of anything constructive to come from her. God calls us to talk to our brothers when we feel we have been wronged. This last time I went over to their house, I came prepared with a letter just in case I was not able to talk or was not meet with an open mind and heart. I am glad I did. Started off with an apology of my behavior, and tried to talk to her about how my feelings were hurt. I was meet with yelling, accusations, and being condemned. I had to just leave after 4 times of asking to have a conversation and for us not to fight, I just had to leave.
Since then she has not spoken to me, when we saw each other last she acted as if nothing was wrong. I am all for moving past this, I have forgiven her ( that doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle with it, I honestly have to give it over to God a couple times a day if not more) and I can move past as long as this doesn’t happen anymore. I am all for if you have a problem come talk to me, I will listen, I will try to see where you are coming from, then I would like to explain where I am coming from. We agree to disagree, or we understand the miss communication. But this back stabbing, and hurtful words is just childish. My husband’s father will not acknowledge me, his mom is over friendly, and is now blaming her son for all of this. My husband and I know we played our role in all of this, we have asked for forgiveness from them and God. However they ( his parents) have not taken responsibility for their part in this miscommunication and breakdown of relationship, they just moved from its my fault to now it’s their sons. They love him but it’s his fault. This hurts my amazing husband for he values his parent’s thoughts of him so much, but it hurts him. This morning he asked me “How can this be all my fault, the blame is on me, but they love me and miss me, I just don’t understand.” I told him that they will love him forever and she just wants him to remember that, but if he is confused he should text her back and ask.
I am just at a loss I don’t want to cut ties with them, I want a relationship with them, but at what cost? I could use some guidance from some Mothers who maybe have problems with their DIL’s. Thank you for any and all help.