Critical Mil

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Critical Mil
15
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 1:51pm
Hi I'm new on this board and desperately need to vent. My Mil was always nice and fussy over me and everyone, always going out of her way to make everyone eat till they're too full to walk. Always made good natured remarks to how skinny i was, that her son must be crushing me. All these got unbearable when our son was born. Then she critisises everything I do from how I dress him to how i feed him. We live far away and only see her once a week but I leave her house with enough scars to last till the other week. The baby is almost 10 months old and Dh n I decided to raise him vegetarian. Now she complains hes too skinny (even though the doc says all is excellent with him n he's never been ill), that my breast milk is not good enough, basicly she bitches about everything in this passive agressive " its for your own good". I've tried ti live thru it but I'm sick of her constant nagging. It'll be much better if she came right out and called me an unfit mum. Oh, everytime we arrive, she performs a head to toe check up and even asks why he has heat rash! Thank heavens Dh is supportive but he is harsh n I dont want him cutting her off. What do i do before I lose it....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 2:35pm

Step one is to have the talk with her. Have you already done it? The one where you calmly and briefly let her know that her comments are hurtful? Adult to adult. As gently and maturely as you can possibly be. It's very valuable life experience, a great skill that every adult should cultivate, and it's really good for your self-esteem. Politely stand up for yourself and see if it works.

If you have been there done that, maybe more posters can come up with step two for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 3:33pm

Next time she complains about the vegetarian lifestyle, offer to bring her with you to the pediatricians office so your doc can explain how it won't hurt your son.

Forgo the visits until she stops. Don't stop her seeing your son, have your hubby bring him over. The less contact you have the better.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 1:12pm
I've talked, explained and justified my decisions to bits. She has a fixed idea in her head n refuses to let go. I want her to have a relationship with my son esp as my parents are on the other side of the globe but it seems i'll have to sacrifice my sanity for that. I know she does this cos she has no life of her own but it doesnt make her baseless critics any less painful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 4:37pm

A couple of ideas, tell her straight up that her hurtful comments make it very hard for you to bring her grandson to visit. If she refuses to be civil she may find her visits reduced. Sometimes there have to be "real" consequences to encourage change.

2) have dh be the sacrifical goat who takes her grandson to visit.

Are you sure that these critical comments won't have a detrimental effect on your son's self esteem? Not yet maybe, but as he matures. Especially when she starts directing them at *him*. You, with your mature self-image and confidence in your knowledge, education and abilities feel scarred for a week. What will that do to his tender self-image and developing knowledge, growing education and developing abilities?

If she only criticizes you and your DH, but can treat the boy with respect and decency, then decide if you can deal with it. But if she starts in on him, (or puts you down while talking to him) please protect him from her verbal assaults.

Just because she shares his genes doesn't mean she's a needed influence in his life. If she cannot treat his mother (and him) with respect then he may be better off without her.

Good luck working this out.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 7:41pm

"I've talked, explained and justified my decisions to bits."

Sorry, I didn't get this... Did you tell her that it hurts you? I agree that you should tell her that the pain is causing you t re-think spending any more time with her. Then let your hubby take his son to her, if you still feel she is good for the child.

If she ever badmouths you or undermines you to the child, that would be harmful to the child IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 8:51am
Thanks a lot for your help so far, I'm much calmer now. When I said I explained n justified myself to bits I meant for instance, its the month of june and her apartment is on the fifth floor of a 14 story building, up there, to her it is cold (even though it isnt). When we arrive at hers, my son is in a long sleeved open necked shirt n trousers with his socks off. She waits for us in front of the elevator n takes him from me saying, "Oh its so windy n cold n your mum (meaning me) brought u to me bare footed". That is just the intro, it doesnt matter that its 30 degrees celcius outside n our car isnt air conditioned. I'm put in the explanatory position that its hot n in case it gets cold, I have his blanket. She doesnt criticise her son, when he tells her to lay off me, she weeps n says everyone takes out their frustrations on her. That sons listen to their wives and dont care about their mothers anymore, that i'll see for myself my my son grows up. Did i mention that Dh is 43 n I'm 25? Our marriage is very stable, its been for the past 4yrs. she just wont stop trying to come btw us. She cooks for us to take home in jars even though I'm an excellent cook. It goes on and on and on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:22pm

After reading *this* post, I wonder if a little "fighting-fire-with-fire" would be helpful.

For example, when granny starts in about the cold, say to no one in particular, "Silly Grandma. Thinking *my* baby's momma is negligent." So there is *no* justification or explanation. You do not owe her any explanation or justification for how you raise your child!

Or leave her comments un-reacted to? Something like, "What an interesting idea!" or "Hmm, I'll have to think about that." (for two seconds maybe!) to any suggestions she makes.

Thank her for the food, if she's a good cook use it on a night when you just don't feel like cooking or when you get busy. If she's not, toss it.

Can you get to the place where she's only mildly annoying? Mentally roll your eyes and tell yourself "There she goes again."

Treat it like a game? Guess how long it will take her to say something, or guess how many comments in the first 5 minutes and see how close to accurate your guess is?

When I was a young wife/mother the neighbor lady used to boss me around. Because she isn't *my* mother, I could view her with amusement and either take or leave her "orders" based on how they benefit me. If your MIL isn't malicious in her criticisms maybe a "perspective adjustment" can help.

What is her ethnicity? Is her behavior typical of the stereotypical mother of that ethnic group? That might give you ideas about useful responses.

If she starts in *telling* your son that there are things wrong with him, ie too skinny, then forget the above and protect your son.

So there are some of *my* ideas. If any are useful to you, then great! If not, then just set them aside.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 1:45pm
U have been very helpful, if it werent for u gals, I might have done something I regret. Thanks a lot for being there for me. I think I'll fight fire with fire and see how it goes.
Luv u loads.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 3:45pm

{{{hugs}}} *fingers crossed for best outcome*

Let us know how it goes?

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
In reply to: goddess_aqua
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:00am
Let her know how you feel. There is nothing wrong with you being human and letting her know your true feelings. I have learned through my experiences with my MIL to give it to her raw and un-cut but in a way that is respected. Dr. Phil said it best Good fences make Good neighbors so give her your boundaries NOW before it is too late.

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