The Curse of Being a Doctor's wife!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
The Curse of Being a Doctor's wife!
22
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 3:07pm

I just became a member about a minute ago, so I would like to start to give you a scenario of my life with my husband and my in-laws. I have been having problems with my in laws for a while now, and it took me months to decide whether I should join this iVillage site. All I would do is read other people's stories because it made me feel normal. I feel I am not alone in this world. I have now decided to join this club because my problems with my in-laws are not getting any better, and I am to the point of my life where it brings me down everyday. My husband is tired of me complaining about it all the time, so I have decided not to discuss with him. I just decided to join this club, and maybe you all can help me with my problems.

My husband came from a very low income family with 4 sisters and 3 brothers. My husband is the 3rd son. They all shared a rented home with one bathroom and 1 bedroom, so if you can imagine the hardship. I fully understand because I also came from a poor background. I have been with my husband for 16 years, and married for 8 years. We were both going to college when we first met. I've always had faith in him that he will make it to medical school and graduate from medical school. On the other hand, my in laws, fil, mil, sil, bil never thought that he would actually fulfill this dream. I have to say because of my faith in my husband, I supported him financially and emotionally throughout his undergraduate and graduate years.

When my husband and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend before his medical school, I felt the family accepted me and were very nice to me, they even questioned when we will be married. However, the moment we all found out my husband got accepted to medical school, the family changed towards me. Everyone was against us getting married, especially mil. When my husband proposed to me, she made comments that I am taking his son away from him, or that she will move in with us and so on and so on. Sils and bils were also saying things such as I'm only marrying him for money, or I think I'm all that because I am going to be a doctor's wife. I told my husband that I am a burden to his family and I don't think his family accepts me to be in the family, so I don't think we should get married. But of course my husband and I still decided to get married his 2nd year of medical school. My husband told me not to listen to them.

My husband is months away to complete his residency to be a Surgeon. (By the way, out of all his siblings, he is the only one that has completed an education.) It has been very tough for us because we don't see each other all the time, so these are what has been bothering me: My in laws calls him everyday if we can go over to their house for dinner. They give my husband a hard time if we don't go over. My mil tells us all the time not to have children. My sils give me a hard time when they see me with new clothes or new things. We recently bought a car, and my bils gave my husband a hard time because he says why are you buying things like that when our parents don't even have a nice car.

When we go over to their house, I always feel left out, no one respects me, I always feel I am not part of the family. I am always feeling hurt and bothered after our visit to their house. I don't know what their problem is with me. Do they not see my sacrifice? The financial help and emotional support I have given their son or their brother throughout his school years.

Sometimes, I wish my husband did not choose this profession. I think his family would leave us alone a lot more and let us live our own life if he did not choose this type of profession. I would honestly rather be poor for the rest of my life if it means being happy with my husband. I should be happy because we will have a good life financially, but for some reason being a doctor's wife, I am hated, especially from the ones that I should be close with the most. I have been doing the best I can to get along with my Ils. I am not greedy with them. I help them financially as well. But I don't know why I still feel I am hated. Please advise, what have I done wrong? Or what am I not doing?
I thought I've done all I could to be a good wife? Why is his family acting the way they are with me. We never asked them for a penny throughout my husbands school!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 5:35pm

I think the only thing you're doing "wrong" in regards to your whole In-Law family is giving a damn about anything they say or do or think. So you need a mantra. I'll give it to you. In one ear and out the other. The rantings of jealous evil insecure people should go in one ear and out the other. Here are some examples.

"My in laws calls him everyday if we can go over to their house for dinner. They give my husband a hard time if we don't go over."

Set up a dinner night. Every Wednesday perhaps you have a family dinner at their house. Any other night, if you don't want to go, you say "Thank you for the lovely offer, but not tonight. See you (fill in date/time) okay, gotta go, love you bye!" and HANG UP. They give your DH a hard time? Like how? He doesn't say "Sorry mom, I don't want you to be hurt but my wife and I are doing XYZ." ? He should. Then "love you, bye!" and HANG UP!

"My mil tells us all the time not to have children."

Now here I'd just laugh out loud and say "well it's a good thing YOU don't get a vote in that matter" and ~phet~ in one ear and out the other. But I'm horribly opinionated and stubbern myself.

"My sils give me a hard time when they see me with new clothes or new things."

Since it's not like you're bragging waving these in their faces, you just plaster on a fake smile and say "...and??" in that patronizing why-do-you-care sort of way.

You can boil it all down to one thing: JEALOUSY. Your husband has risen above them and it makes them feel inadaquite and dissatisfied with themselves and their own life. So they make snide comments. They stick little jabs in here and there. They shove you down because if they succeed, then they feel better about themselves. Well tough crap. You and your DH worked damn hard to get to where you are. You don't owe them anything. It's sad that they can't--strike that, won't accept you and the life you two have created but you can't live your life to make THEM happy. So, in one ear and out the other.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:30am

They are jealous of you, plain and simple.

If your husband is tired of you complaining about them, then perhaps he should tell them once and for all: "This is my life. This is my wife, and I love her. I have WORKED for what I have, and I don't owe ANY of you a damn thing. Keep your snide remarks and your opinions to yourselves. If you cannot act decently, then you will not see us."

Stand up for yourself. Don't be ashamed of the rewards of the hard work and sacrifices you guys have made for your husband to become a doctor. You have done nothing wrong. And really, since when can't someone have nice things, just because their parents don't have them? You don't owe his parents a new car or anything else. Don't be afraid of these jerks. Be proud of what your accomplishments and those of your husband. You have the right to be happy.

If the "family" cannot act decently, personally, I would no longer see them. Why surround yourself with people who are jealous and hateful? Life is too short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:08pm

Thank you for your reply dansfoxywife! I appreciate it. I don't know why I don't listen to my husband, but whatever you had stated here, is basically what he he has told me before. I guess, I am just too sensitive and care too much of what they think or say about me. With other people (non family members) I could easily say "I don't care what they say," but I guess I never expected, especially from family members to be jealous. I grew up in a big family who always helped each other out, whoever is succesfull, they are never envied but congratulated. I have a sister in law (my brother's wife) who we highly respect, and I guess I expect that from my inlaws.

"My in laws calls him everyday if we can go over to their house for dinner. They give my husband a hard time if we don't go over."

When my ils call to invite us and my husband tells them we already have plans, or he has to study for board exams, review his patients, is on call, etc (busy life of a doctor) pretty much, they would make him feel guilty like they tell him, "you have forgotten about us, you don't love us anymore, many more guilt trips. Even if we had dinner at their house the night before, they would call the next day again to invite us. I am just bothered because I feel they do not consider my feelings, that my husband is so busy and our time is so valuable that he and too need to spend time together.

"My mil tells us all the time not to have children."

My feelings really get hurt when my mil says this because my husband and I are already trying for our first child since he is a couple months away of finishing residency, and it hurts me to think that she may not love this child if we had one.

"My sils give me a hard time when they see me with new clothes or new things."

You are right, I am not the type to brag or wave what I have or wear on their faces. I will try your advice, I just wish I was strong enough as you seem to be. I've always been a passive, quiet person.

Again, I don't know why I don't listen to my husband. But he basically told me the same thing in the past that you mentioned here. We paid our way through his school and still paying for it. We don't borrow money from them because we don't want to burden anyone. He told me that we don't owe them anything, and we shouldn't feel guilty if perhaps we may have more than they do. He told me as well, that we can't live our lives to make them happy, we have to make ourselves happy. He said, they made their decisions and he made his. He did tell me that I am and hopefully our child one of these days are his priorities. We will help our family members when we can, but he says it is not our responsibility.

Again, thank you, I will try that, "in one ear and out the other."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:14pm

Thank you so much as well for your respond mom2danjam! I really appreciate it. I definitely need to work on standing up for myself. As I mentioned to my reply on Dansfoxywife, I am just too passive and quiet person, I have never been the type to talk back. But I will learn to be strong.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:51pm

"When my ils call to invite us and my husband tells them we already have plans, or he has to study for board exams, review his patients, is on call, etc (busy life of a doctor) pretty much, they would make him feel guilty"

I get the sense from the more you write that YOU are the one feeling guilty, not him. They may try to make him feel guilty, but if he is saying what you say he's saying, it doesn't sound like it's working on him, but it does sound that it's working on you.

"I just wish I was strong enough as you seem to be. I've always been a passive, quiet person."

I'm strong in my own opinions and convictions. I am not passive, but I am not aggressive either. Honestly, none of my IL's ever mention anything, and I think even if they did I wouldn't notice. I am not so much strong as I am tenaciously bull headed, Lol!

"they tell him, "you have forgotten about us, you don't love us anymore, many more guilt trips."

Okay, the very next time they say this to him, he needs to say this: "Of course we haven't forgotten about you/still love you! But as a married man my place is here with my wife, not there with my parents.".

You know, they might never like you. And when you have children she might not love him/her. You can't change that. You can't bend to appease her. You can't. Listen to your husband. Give him a big smootch and appologise to him for not listening to him sooner.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:02pm

two words : caller id!!

Let the caller id let you know it is them and you can let it go to your voice mail/answering machine. Many a couple has had a decrease in stress letting the vm take over the "guilt trip" phone calls!

and that way your husband will know when it is the hospital/office so he doesn't miss an important call.

anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 7:52pm

Welcome Iamasurgeonswife!

It really isnt' any of your ILs business what type of car you and your DH decide to buy and whether or not the two of you want to/decide to have children or not. I hope you don't answer these questions when they ask, because they are overstepping the boundaries BIG TIME.

Maybe your DH should stop answering the phone when they call everyday to come over for dinner.

I don't know why your ILs are causing problems for you and your husband, but it sounds like the less you talk to them and the less you are around them, the better of the both of you will be.








iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 10:39pm

You've gotten excellent advice here and i agree with all of it! I'd like to suggest 2 books that have helped me with a similar issue. I too am very sensitive and I replay convos in my head all the time so I can relate to that!

The books are TOXIC INLAWS by Susan Forward and BOUNDARIES by Cloud/Townsend.
There's a workbook that you can get that goes with BOUNDARIES that also helped me a lot. I got both through Amazon.

One of the things I learned about setting boundaries is that initially acquiring guilt is good for us. It means we're standing up to people who are trying to control us and that it's something new for us.
Recently I came across this article on setting boundaries accidentally while searching for something else: http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/637.html

Learning to set boundaries takes a lot of work but I think it's well worth it. It can come in handy with many other areas of your life as well. Then you can thank your in-laws for helping you learn and grow ;)

cantbecontrolled

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:46am

How far away do you live from them? A bit of distance might reduce the daily dinner invitations. Like you, I'm a peace loving person and since its my Dh's family, i let him be my shield. Your Dh chose YOU to share his life, let him handle his people, YOU are his family. Keep communication lines open with your Dh so they dont poison your relationship. My Mil doesnt like me cos "I took her son away from her" but that is her issues not mine. Dont bother your pretty head about trying to please them, you never will.

My Mil also tried to dictate when we should have children by saying that I'm too weak (I'm naturally underweight) and we arent financially secure but we went ahead and had a baby. Now she's head over heels in love with our Ds and I get to decide when Ils get to see him. Dont worry, when you have a baby, they'll fall for him/her but still would not like you and brace yourself for a more intense power struggle plus guilt tripping. I'm blabbing a bit but the point I'm trying to make is dont make them sense your fears cos they'll walk all over you.
Good luck.
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 1:25pm
I agree with the other ladies. They are very jealous. They think that they need to dictate how you should live you life. They have no right to. Don't let them. Actually, your Dh needs to tell them to back off. Its not his fault that they chose not to better their lives. He is doing what makes him happy and they can't stand it. They want him to be miserable just like them. You know the saying, 'misery love company'. They won't be happy unless he is doing what they want. My mil is the same way. She will sacrafice her sons' happiness in order to get what she wants. She is a miserable, patheice, evil, nasty person. She wants everyone else to cow tie to what she wants, doesn't matter to her if they are unhappy. I also agree that Dh should just stop answering the phone every time they call. There is no law saying he has to talk to them everday. Let the answering machine pick it up, and go on about your lives. They just want to bring you down, and right now you are allowing them to succeed. You can't change them, but you can change how you deal with them. If that means you don't see them but once a month then so be it.

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