daughter in law blues
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daughter in law blues
| Wed, 03-21-2007 - 11:05am |
Hello all, I have 2 married sons,and I love both their wives dearly. I babysit at least twice a week to give them free time even though I work a 40 hour work week. The prob is with one of my daughter in laws. She is unable to go a single day without calling me to complain about something. Her fave subject unfortunately is my son. I understand and many times agree (inside) with her, but it is so hard to listen every day. I know my son has his faults, the main one being he is a sports nut. He works third shift, at least 50 to 60 hours a week so she can be a stay at home mom. I know this causes her alot of stress, plus her own mom has a mental illness, henceforth I feel like I am kinda the mom she does not have. Her dad passed away before she was born, she has no siblings and basically my hubby and I and of course the rest of our family are her family. How do I let her know this daily hubby/son bashing is driving me into depression. I get so I cringe when the phone rings.

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Keep your chin up I hope it goes well and keep us posted...
I can't believe she would call you up, and bash your son to you. That's just unbelievably bad taste.
What did she say when you gently told her that while you thoroughly enjoy the close friendship and openness she has with you, could she please bad mouth her husband, you son, to one of her other girlfriends, because it is insensative and hurts you, being his mother?
Have you tried suggesting that instead of complaining about it, she actually DO something about it, like see a marriage counsellor? You say that they need to work it out themselves, but from the looks of it there hasnt been much "working it out" happening and you admit that your DIL's frustration is through the roof. This sort of chronic unhappiness is a recipe for depression and other problems. I agree with the poster who recommended getting her diagnosed for depression. Being overtly negative about things is one of the classic symptoms.
I think that if you truly want to help you need to advise her to stop coming to you and getting help through professional channels. And you need to say this to your son and your DIL both, and try to convince them to get help before your DIL falls seriously sick. She must be TERRIBLY unhappy to be coming to you like this.. you owe it to her to help her. Just being a "sounding board" is not enough. She doesnt have a family, and you are hers. Would you be able to sit around and watch your daughter fall to shreds as this woman seems to be doing? I feel really sorry for her, just listening to this story. This person must be AWFULLY, miserably unhappy to be complaining about her spouse day-in and day-out. How sad!
Help her. Find them a good, helpful counsellor and get that son of yours to start pulling his own weight in the relationship. It's not fair to your DIL to have to put up with such an unhappy marriage.
Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
Oh I'm sorry then.. somehow I thought that all she does is complain and concluded that she is desperately unhappy. If someone complained to me about something on a daily basis then that would indicate a deep problem to me. I am relieved that she does share happier thoughts too.
If she is indeed struggling with the loss of her mother, and is so negative, then I do think you should suggest depression screening. It can't hurt. And depression does really magnify each problem many times. Even if she is not depressed, but just likes to complain to you, then if she gets therapy then she can complain all she wants to the counsellor, you will be off the hook, and the counsellor can help her develop a better attitute.. I can't see a negative side to this..:)
I think that you ought to say gently, "You know, I love you dearly. I know my son has some faults and he really needs to improve upon them. But I really don't feel qualified to help you with these problems. You need to talk to him or you might want to consider a counselor. I can try to help you find one."
I think you sound like a great MIL. At least you admit your child is not perfect. Other MILs would be saying things like, "That ungrateful DIL! Whining about MY SON, and he works so hard so she can SIT AT HOME ON HER BUTT!" And at least you seem to care about your DIL. And I really admire that you try to stay out of their business.
Try that.
Hi Kaseyjcf194, welcome to the board!
Since saying something to her hasn't worked, maybe you need to start screening your calls and not answer the phone everytime she calls. Also, when you do talk to her, suggest that she go to marriage counseling with your son. Also, make sure you don't take sides. If all else fails, when you do talk to her just listen as much as you can. If she asks why you aren't talking, let her know gently that you have tried all you can to help her but listening about your son's faults is upsetting, even though you know he has them, that you are his mother and all of that. Also, tell her that you have ran out of suggestions for her.
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Kasey:
Send her the message you posted.
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