daughter in law blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
daughter in law blues
22
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 11:05am
Hello all, I have 2 married sons,and I love both their wives dearly. I babysit at least twice a week to give them free time even though I work a 40 hour work week. The prob is with one of my daughter in laws. She is unable to go a single day without calling me to complain about something. Her fave subject unfortunately is my son. I understand and many times agree (inside) with her, but it is so hard to listen every day. I know my son has his faults, the main one being he is a sports nut. He works third shift, at least 50 to 60 hours a week so she can be a stay at home mom. I know this causes her alot of stress, plus her own mom has a mental illness, henceforth I feel like I am kinda the mom she does not have. Her dad passed away before she was born, she has no siblings and basically my hubby and I and of course the rest of our family are her family. How do I let her know this daily hubby/son bashing is driving me into depression. I get so I cringe when the phone rings.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:27pm
good morning. Im sure it is hard for you as well, even though you agree with some of what she says, but to hear someone constantly down on your son. Is there a possibility that she has depression? My mom had depression and to her everything was negative. until she got out into the world again. Maybe your DDIL could get a part time job outside the home in order to be able to communicate on a daily basis with others. Otherwise she needs to tell your son how she feels, not you. Even though it sounds like you have been one of the rare wonderful mother in laws out there, there is only so much you can take as well. It sounds like you have done all that you can, let her know how you feel without alienating her. Talk to her just like you would your own son since you guess have such a close bond.
Keep your chin up I hope it goes well and keep us posted...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:28pm

I can't believe she would call you up, and bash your son to you. That's just unbelievably bad taste.


What did she say when you gently told her that while you thoroughly enjoy the close friendship and openness she has with you, could she please bad mouth her husband, you son, to one of her other girlfriends, because it is insensative and hurts you, being his mother?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:46pm
Hello again, Hi Thanks for the feedback I have tried many times gently to explain to her I have a difficult time dealing with all the negartivity. I know my son can be a real pain in the neck. I lived with him Hellooooo! He is a sports nut ie fishing and hunting. He loves to spend hours in the woods or next to a river. With so little free time because of his long night work hours and sleeping during the day, I understand completely her frustration level must be through the roof. Plus, one of the real sore spots is for many many years, he has gone on a week long hunting jauant with his buddies. Real nice for her and the kids, huh? I do not approve but I keep my mouth shut. I believe if I spoke to him about it, it would potentially cause problems bigger than they already have. This is something they need to work out themselves and they don't need mom in the middle of it. I will give him credit on one count. I have never heard him bash her in any way, and he has had plenty of opportunities to do so. She has done some things that make me grit my teeth and yank my hair. But again, I keep my silence as this is their marriage, not mine. Well, tommorrow is her birthday and I am going to try my hand at her cake. Take care all. Hope to hear from you soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 1:00pm

Have you tried suggesting that instead of complaining about it, she actually DO something about it, like see a marriage counsellor? You say that they need to work it out themselves, but from the looks of it there hasnt been much "working it out" happening and you admit that your DIL's frustration is through the roof. This sort of chronic unhappiness is a recipe for depression and other problems. I agree with the poster who recommended getting her diagnosed for depression. Being overtly negative about things is one of the classic symptoms.

I think that if you truly want to help you need to advise her to stop coming to you and getting help through professional channels. And you need to say this to your son and your DIL both, and try to convince them to get help before your DIL falls seriously sick. She must be TERRIBLY unhappy to be coming to you like this.. you owe it to her to help her. Just being a "sounding board" is not enough. She doesnt have a family, and you are hers. Would you be able to sit around and watch your daughter fall to shreds as this woman seems to be doing? I feel really sorry for her, just listening to this story. This person must be AWFULLY, miserably unhappy to be complaining about her spouse day-in and day-out. How sad!

Help her. Find them a good, helpful counsellor and get that son of yours to start pulling his own weight in the relationship. It's not fair to your DIL to have to put up with such an unhappy marriage.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 1:11pm
Hi, Oh, wow. I did not mean to imply that all she does is complain. She does it on a daily basis yes but she has many many happy moments. And their marriage is not completely unhappy. And my son does contribute alot to the relationship. His flaw is his outdoor activities in which he includes their oldest child alot. He spends alot of his free time with his family. If I implied otherwise, please accept my apology. I think counseling would help but I am not about to tell them to do so. I have suggested it. I think she may be suffering depression to some extent. Se has had a lot to deal with with her mom in the condition she is in, and the lack of her own family. She does have a small part time work ie she does house cleaning for several people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 2:44pm

Oh I'm sorry then.. somehow I thought that all she does is complain and concluded that she is desperately unhappy. If someone complained to me about something on a daily basis then that would indicate a deep problem to me. I am relieved that she does share happier thoughts too.

If she is indeed struggling with the loss of her mother, and is so negative, then I do think you should suggest depression screening. It can't hurt. And depression does really magnify each problem many times. Even if she is not depressed, but just likes to complain to you, then if she gets therapy then she can complain all she wants to the counsellor, you will be off the hook, and the counsellor can help her develop a better attitute.. I can't see a negative side to this..:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 4:39pm
I have been married not very long, almost two years, and have had so many complaints about my DH. Although I would never call up my MIL to compalin to her about him, I have infact called my own mother and cried, yelled and complained to her all of the things that my HD and I fight about. My own mother finally got tired of hearing it about her son-in-law and told me NOT to involve her anymore. Alot of the venting I gave her was while I was pregnant and after having my baby, and I was depressed at the time. I now realize that my mom shouldn't have to hear it because she has told me that she does not want to think bad about him and hearing these things upsets her. And she is right. I think that you should tell her that you are glad that the two of you are close enough to share feelings but at the same time this is your son she is bashing and you just do not feel that it is your place to get involved with it. It also would be better for her to be able to talk to her friends about this, not constantly you. I am a stay-at-home mom and found out that the more I just get out and do things the happier I feel. Maybe you could encourage you, her and the kids to go out and spend a day having lunch or taking the kids to the park. Encourging her to do more postitive things might take some of the stress off that she feels with her HD.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 4:44pm

I think that you ought to say gently, "You know, I love you dearly. I know my son has some faults and he really needs to improve upon them. But I really don't feel qualified to help you with these problems. You need to talk to him or you might want to consider a counselor. I can try to help you find one."

I think you sound like a great MIL. At least you admit your child is not perfect. Other MILs would be saying things like, "That ungrateful DIL! Whining about MY SON, and he works so hard so she can SIT AT HOME ON HER BUTT!" And at least you seem to care about your DIL. And I really admire that you try to stay out of their business.

Try that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 5:04pm

Hi Kaseyjcf194, welcome to the board!

Since saying something to her hasn't worked, maybe you need to start screening your calls and not answer the phone everytime she calls. Also, when you do talk to her, suggest that she go to marriage counseling with your son. Also, make sure you don't take sides. If all else fails, when you do talk to her just listen as much as you can. If she asks why you aren't talking, let her know gently that you have tried all you can to help her but listening about your son's faults is upsetting, even though you know he has them, that you are his mother and all of that. Also, tell her that you have ran out of suggestions for her.








Follow me to:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:41am

Kasey:

Send her the message you posted.

Pages