Demanding RESPECT!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Demanding RESPECT!!
23
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:51pm
I just had to go out of town last weekend for a wedding. So I had to call my mother in law and sister in law to come watch my daughter for me for one day. I also have two roommates that stay at our house. But anyways, I found out that everytime that I go away, my in laws go in my room. I don't know what they are doing in there, but I really don't like them being in there. I purposely shut my bedroom door so that no one would go into our bedroom. When I confronted my husband about the situation, he said that it was no big deal bc it was just his mother. I explained to him that if it were just his stuff, I wouldn't care, but it is also my room and my privacy. Then he told me that if it bothered me that bad that I should confront my in laws about it. From the beginning, it has been an unspoken tension btwn me and my in laws bc my husband and I didn't do what they thought was the right thing and get married before we had our daughter. They just make me feel really disrespected in my own home. But the BIGGER problem is that my husband doesn't see anything wrong with it. What do I do? How do I get these people to respect me in my own home??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 2:27pm
Put a lock on your door with a key. When ever you need them to come into your home and your not there, shut the door and lock it. They will get the hint when they try to go in. Or of course you could simple ask them what they need in your room. Some people do not believe in privacy, respect or boundaries so you need to educate them on it. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:35pm

Well, I have a couple of thoughts.

First, I think it is your husband's place to tell his mother and sister not to go in your bedroom. They are *his* mother and *his* sister, and that makes them *his* responsibility, IMHO.

My second thought is, assuming he is not going to do that, you have three choices: You can install a lock on your door and take the key with you. You can have them watch your child elsewhere so that they are not alone in your home. Or you can put up with them invading your privacy.

My third thought is that if your in-laws are still holding some kind of a grudge against you because you became pregnant out of wedlock, please recognize that it is *their* problem, not yours. What's done is done. Assuming they love your child, it should no longer be an issue.

My last thought is that you can't, in fact, "demand" respect. You command respect with your behavior and your own integrity. Frankly, if I knew that my in-laws were invading my privacy when they're alone in my home, I would make sure they don't have another opportunity to do that.

~Ghostwriter, M.A.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:42pm

I think that you need/must say something to your inlaws. Sometimes, you have to take matters into your own hands. I kicked my MIL out of my house bc she snooped through my bedroom. I know how you feel. I wish you the best.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 5:42am

Well, first of all, you don't demand respect. You either earn it and deserve it, or you dont get it: if you have to *demand* it, you aren't going to get it. In your case you need to set some clear boundaries without being rude. When your inlaws come over to watch your daughter (which I hope you *thanked* them for! you aren't going to get anywhere if you behave as though things are your due) be very clear (in a polite way!) about the rules (eg no TV or unhealthy snacks or whatever) and be clear that you'd like them not to go into your room. Leave your room shut. If you find out they've gone in there anyway, remind them of that rule, and get a lock on the door. You don't have to make a big issue out of it, just ask them politely not to do it, then take appropriate steps if they ignore you. You'll get a lot more respect by being polite but firm than you will by 'demanding' it and having a row about it. Make sure DH knows you've imposed these rules and that he is polite but firm about them too.

Kirsty

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 8:24am

As the wife of their son and the mother of their grandchildren, she deserves at least basic respect. And the husband should be putting his foot down.

I had a problem for years with my inlaws making snide remarks, telling me what to do, etc. What I did, when we moved back near them, was make it known in an indirect way, that they will show me respect, basic human respect, or they don't see the kids. The ONLY reason I went that far, was because I have been witness to some of my SILs talking smack about other family members in FRONT of that person's children. That is wrong. I made it known that they are free to dislike me and don't have to love me, but I am the key to the kids. My husband didn't say a word about it. He knows I mean business. This way, he gets to "save face" and I get what I want too. I believe that visiting with our children is a privilege. I fully believe in family ties and even though I do not like my inlaws ways, I still try to foster a relationship between them and our kids. However, I do not believe it is healthy for children to be subjected to people talking nasty about their mother. If you cannot be nice, you don't get to play. Simple, basic rules for living, IMO.

A person should be able to visit briefly or go to a gathering without lectures about raising kids, or snide remarks. For cripes sake, it is only a short time. But my inlaws had a bad habit of it. That is when I got tough. So far, there have been only a couple of incidents where I had to say something. For the most part, they leave me alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 10:06am
Okay so I should have titled it wanting respect. I am always polite to my in laws and I always thank them. For the beginning, I have tried my best to give them no reason to dislike me or any reason to complain about me. Even the day that I got home from the hospital with my daughter, they went through my daughter's room and the kitchen and rearranged everything that I had spent weeks putting together. I just feel like they will never have respect for me. The least I want is for them to respect me as the mother of their grandchild. There have been 2 times that I have said that I didn't want my daughter playing with something bc it could be dangerous and my mil went right a head and gave it to her anyways. And I am also very strick on what I let my daughter eat, but my mil just completely ignores it. The hardest part is the fact that my husband is terrified of his mother and won't stand up to her. I know that it goes back to his childhood. He even moved 5 hours away in another state to be away from her. But now that we have our daughter, its like he is trying to make up for something. I just don't understand.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:43am

First of all, they don't need to see your child if they are going to treat you like crap. Second of all, WHY on god's green earth would a big grown man be afraid of his mother? Is she likely to hit him or something? He needs to get over it, and realize that she cannot harm him and that his responsibility and his priority is to his wife and child.

If you still feel that you have to see them, step up and let MIL know that she is being inappropriate. When she hands something to your child that you don't want the child to have, take it back, get in MIL's face and tell her, "MIL, I said NO. I am the mother of this child, not you." Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. Tell MIL that since she cannot respect your rules, she is NOT to feed DD.

Stand up to her. Let her know who is boss. It ain't her. If your husband doesn't like it, well too bad for him. Perhaps if he were a man, not a wimpy mama's baby about things, then he would stand up for what is right, not what his Mommy wants or the rest of his family of origin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:15pm
My mother-in-law has been a pain in the butt since the day I married her daughter almost 5 years ago. She disrespects me in my own home and thinks that she can raise my new daughter better than we can. She complains about the smallest things and if she sees things that I do that she sees as disrespectful, she runs to my wife to complain. She looks for any small infraction that might happen and complains about it but never to me. A sign of repsect is confronting me on anything she sees wrong, isn't it?
I have always tried my best to show respect to her and if I feel I have done anything wrong, I apologize to her immediately. She has the worst attitude I have ever known as far as respecting me as her son-in-law goes. I have busted my butt to accomodate her when she is in my home and she repays me with attitude. I have discussed this with me wife, but she says that it is just her and I have to deal with it.
If anyone has any ideas on how to deal with her, let me know. I am almost out of patience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:15pm
I don't really have any type of solution for you bc I am in the same situation myself. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one going through this. If anyone gives me good advice, I'll pass it along to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:16pm

You might ask your wife if her telling you to deal with her mother means that she will back you up when you do so - period - or does it mean she will stab you in the back when you "attack her mother".

If she'll put her big girl panties on and back up the man she is choosing to spend her life with and to raise children with instead of the woman who is now *extended* family, then all you have to do is respectfully tell your MIL to back the heck off and let you be a family with her as *grandmother*.

You can respond to parenting "advice" with "Thank you, I'll think about that." or "Thank you, we've decided to handle it this way."

But your wife has to do her part. If her mommy comes crying about how terrible her husband is, she needs to either ask her mother just what she is expecting to accomplish by carrying these tales, and/or tell her to please stay out of the marital relationship, the two of you will work it out.

If she's going to whine that you standing up for your family is going to hurt her mommy's widdle feelings, then I suggest counseling. If a professional marital counselor tells her to grow up and be the wife and mother she is claiming to be, then she might "hear" it.

Obviously you know your wife better than I do, so if my suggestions sound like they'd start world war 3 instead of starting the healing, then do what you think best.

I wish you and your family the very best as you deal with this thorny situation.

ilve2read

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