desperate for some help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
desperate for some help
15
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:43am
I am new here and was eally need some advice. I have been searching for a place to get some advice and understanding about my problem with my in-laws for awhile. this is going to be long so I apologize in advance.
Anyway, my dh and I got together about 5 years ago. We have been married for just under 2 years. When we were first got together, I got along famously with his family. He has a large family and I thought I was blessed with becoming a member of this family since my family is all over the country and not very close. Everything was going well and the wedding was set to go. I never had any problems with MIL so I was shocked with what happened on our wedding day. See, my MIL is a church official and wanted to perform our ceremony. I thought that was great. We had went over what was to be said previously and so forth. Anyway, when I got up to the alter, everything changed. She not only did not say any of the things that we discussed but said some pretty shocking and humiliating thingsto me. The whole homily was about her son and how great he is and how lucky I am. Some of her direct quotes were "Now that you've finally lured him away and landed him, maybe you'll loosen up the tight leash you have on him", "My son has travelled everywhere and I never thought he would end up with someone locally. I always thought he'd end up with someone exotic", you get the picture. I was shocked and mortified. I had no idea where this crap was coming from. My whole family and lots of his extended family that I never even met were the audience to this. Afterwards I tried to talk to my dh about what the hell happened and he cried because I was holding a grudge against his mother! For months afterwards she denied that was she did was terrible and that I should just get used to it because that is how her family is. I never was witness to anyone being treated like that nor would I have agreed to marry into a family like that. She apologized and said that maybe I should be glad that the next wedding would go well (her youngest son was getting married 2 months later and she was officiating that one too) I said that I only cared about how my wedding went and that her youngest son's wedding going well had nothing to do with how she treated me. You see, I am educated, strong, and have managed to end up with a great career. I take care of my home, I am no slouch. you would think that would have been happy that I am established and can help support her son. Anyway, things only get worse because she talked terrible about me to all of her children even though I still participated in family events and got along with everyone. She told them that has just done everything she could do to make things right and I am jsut basically evil. All of my dh's siblings know that this is not true and they have said as much and apologized for their mother's behavior. A terrible thing has happened. My MIL died suddenly. Everyone was devastated and rightfully so. I did everything I could by supporting them with dinners, financial help with costs, spending time with my FIL (we live an hour away, I spent every weekend there even when my dh was working to help out).
By the way, my dh and I really had a tough time after the wedding because he did not stand up for me to her. He was more sad about me being mad at her than what had happened to my feelings. I do not feel that I am his priority and I do not feel support from him when it comes to his family. I always come second, no matter what.
Anyway, I guess it is normal for people that are grieving such a sudden loss...but they (siblings) began to make rude comments to me, and act like the in-laws from hell. I suppose they were taking what their mom said to them about me and remembring her feelings about me and making them their own. My dh sees this as well but nothing is ever said and I am still expected to do as much as I have ever done for them and just grin and bear it. I do not know what to do. I am losing my love for them and it has really changed the way I feel about dh. We have a new daughter together and it has changed nothing. I survived cancer this past year and that has changed nothing with the way I am treated. I am so tired of this. I have to say that my FIL has been loving towards me and understands the hell that I went thrugh over the wedding. He has been grieving his wife and I underswtand that. When we had a new baby this year and I had to go through two surgeries for cancer, we got no support from them. No calls until weeks after the surgeried, no help with the baby, no visits, nothing. I, however, am expected to attend all functions whether they are last minute or not, 4 hours away, you name it. Infact, I was just informed that I would have 3 of my nephews this weekend. Not asked. It is just this crap all the time.I feel uncomfortable the whole time and really resent their selfishness. What do I do? I am finally at the point that I just want to tell my dh that he can deal with them all he wants, I am done. I did not get married to get divorced so I do not know of any other way to keep myself happy and okay. any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:07pm

{{{{hugs}}}} I am so sorry you are getting all of that crap dumped on you after making through such challenges.

I say keep in touch with FIL and any other family members who act like normal human beings and let the trash fend for themselves.

You could look at this as a bit of luck, because now you know who is genuine and who is fake, and can protect yourself accordingly.

Um, excuse me, these trashy yahoos *told* you that you would be keeping *their* children? Did your husband say *anything* about that?

Maybe you and your precious daughter need to take a trip this weekend and let Mr. Won't-stand-up-against-the-abusers take the heat for his lack of spine and mixed up priorites.

I suggest you tell your husband that if he doesn't want to be kicked to the curb he get his little butt into marital counseling with you. This sounds bigger than just talking it out and working together can fix.

Sounds like he's used to being used and abused by his siblings and mother, and most people need professional help to get past that.

In the meantime, where in your marital vows did you agree to put your neck under their feet? Was there a "doormat clause" in the contract? Tell hubby dearest that you will only interact with those who treat you like a human being and have the common decency to show a little human courtesy.

Obviously I don't know you or your situation, so if my indignation on your behalf doesn't fit, then let go of the bits that don't.

I do wish you the best. The best results of calm assertiveness, the best response from hubby as a husband and father and the best possible outcome with the extended family - even if it means you only talk to FIL.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:01pm

Since you say your starting to feel different about him, I would say your at crisis point.
Time for drastic measures.

First off, I would not be home this weekend to watch the nephews. I think it's time you and DD went and spent the weekend with your parents a high school friend. Whoever. If that's not possible a weekend in a hotel with roomservice.

I would then tell DH he has the whole weekend to choose you or the family. If he chooses you then you need to get into marriage counseling ASAP. And if he picks the family, then you deserve better and kick him to the curb.

Your health is too important to be under this kind of stress. You need to be there for your DD.

Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

Terri
Wife to Dave 22 years
Mom to Tara-19
Cassi-17
Angela-4
James-6 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:30pm
I so appreciate you getting back to me. I am thankful. Sometimes I feel so alone and I never get to talk to anyone about this stuff.
You are right, we need to get to counseling. I think he has lived with this "norm" of selfishness for so long that not only is he self-absorbed, he just expects the world to revolve around him and his family's needs.
I am going to keep my distance from all of them but him (obviously) until he agrees to set up counseling with me. Maybe that will help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:44pm

I agree with the DH issue. I think that's your largest problem actually. Regardless of what his family says and does, if you cannot commiserate with him, talk to him, or rely on him, then you have no marriage. I mean, In-Laws aside, being treated for cancer while entering motherhood, all at the same time with what sounds like little to no support is absolutely not a good foundation for marriage. If he cares for you at all he'll at the very least realise this and make efforts to fix it.

Let me say something, coming from a similar situation in my first marriage, that you do not want to spend the rest of your life hoping that he will see what a gift you are. I think you both need to take a break from his family and spend some time in counseling. If after awhile you determine that this just isn't going to change, don't spend the rest of your life thinking you can change it. I mean, I'm not advocating a split or anything, but I am asking you to consider your happiness. Even more than that, is this the way you want your daughter to see you being treated because your marriage will affect her future relationships.

My best advice is put out of your mind anything that has happened in the past with your in-laws because regardless of what they say, they are extras in your life. Focus on DH's behaviour. That is what is actually the most important issue at hand right now.

Good Luck, Hun. I really hope this works out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:44pm
I just spoke with my dh. Things got very ugly. I know now he does not have any love for me. everything is my fault. He told me that he would let his family know that I am upset about them disresprecting us and our marriage and that I would look like a big b$$$$. He does not care about my feelings at all. I was crying and he just walked away. I guess I got my answer.I feel really stupid. How can this happen. I feel as though he would rather throw his marriage away than make a simple request of his family that they ask us before they volunteer our time and money whenever they want.
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 11:17pm
Wow. I am sorry this is happening. All the more reason you should go away for the weekend and take your dd with you. I would be tempted to say I'd rather be a b%*#@ then a spineless, wuss of a man. Okay I know you can't really say that, but wouldn't it be nice? I would tell him he has this weekend to pack his crap and move out. But that is just me. Don't allow them around your daughter. They are the reason this is happening, plus the crap your mil pulled before she died, that and your h is a wuss. My Dh allowed his mother to treat me like crap. He tried to say that I was at fault. Yeah whatever. She is a stupid, psycho, b*%^#). Anyway, after 7 years I had enough. I told him that I was really considering giving up on us. He didn't like hearing that. I also told him that he wasn't a man. He asked what I meant by that. I said that he wasn't a man and certainly not the man I married, because the man I married would never let anyone treat me the way mil has including family. There were some other things I said which I can't recall right now, but I think that finally snapped him out of it. After that he cut his mother off completely. Things are so much better without her crap. This last Christmas, I think proved me right and that he did the right thing. He learned how really crazy his mother is. Anyway, I hope that you have someone you can stay with over the weekend. Keep us posted.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 7:47am

I don't have any inspirational words of advice, but wanted to tell you how sorry I am that your dh has reacted the way he has. My situation was definitely not been as bad or as drastic as yours, but I did the same thing others have suggested -- told my dh that there was a conflict between us and his parents and he needed to decide where his loyalties lied. I told him that if he couldn't make me and our children his priority and put his foot down to his parents, he needed to leave and go move in with them. It was a serious wakeup call for him and luckily, he made the right decision.

Please keep us posted. I'm crossing my fingers that perhaps you can get through to your dh.

Madalot

When I insist that I am 'right," I slam the door of my mind.  I remain locked in past

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 6:01pm
Yep, let them know you are having a "me time" weekend and since no one bothered to ask if you wanted the 3 kids they wouldn't have known that. Then mean it. Take some time for you. You had a kid and cancer this year if they fault you for wanting some time to yourself then tough cookies. You don't deserve animosity and if they are going to give it to you, stop giving them your time and your attention. If hubby doesn't like it tell him in no uncertain terms that you aren't a floor mat and aren't taking any more grief from people who demand time and attention from you in the next breath. PERIOD
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 10:31pm
Just wanted to let you know that I took today for myself to get my head together. I took some advice from a friend and bought the book "Toxic In-Laws". I read it front to back pretty quick because the book really made sense to me. I am going to try and follow some advice in there and see what happens. I also let my dh know that I have made up my mind and I will not get sucked in to the bahavioral patterns that they have been raised with. I let him know that I deserve their respect and common courtesy at all times. If he would not stand up for me, himself, or my kids than he better get used to being dumped on by himself because from now on-I will have no more of it and neither will my kids. I have made up my mind and will not turn into a spineless worm. I am strong and have accomplished a lot in my life and for a little bit, their treatment of me caused me to forget that. No More!!!!!!!!! I also let him know that he needs to think about who is going to be there when he gets old? I know they won't. He needs to get real and get with it. I made sure that he knew that I have a new outlook and I want a man that wants to build traditions, a home, and a good marriage. I also told him that I will not allow his family to teach our kids that their behavior is normal. I think that he started to wake up.....we'll see. He could say screw it tomorrow or his family may drag him back into their quicksand again, but he will be on his own because I am not going to allow them to define what my household will be like.
BTW, I cannot get away all weekend but I did schedule all day with a girlfriend of mine on Sunday. These are the first plans I have made to get away in 9 months and I have had these plans since before I was told that I would have the nephews. He will have all the kids by himself. He can thank his family for that.
Thanks!
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 7:32am

Demand he be home on Saturday or the kids will be turned away at the door (if HE is not the one picking them up, that is). Then, just disengage. Kids need something? Ask Uncle. Stay in your room or whatever you have to do. You were not asked to watch kids, so you should not have to.

DH doesn't like it? Oh well, perhaps he should become a man for once and say NO.

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